10 Things That Will Not End Well
The Web has made things easier for everyone. Unfortunately, some of those things are incredibly dangerous, and they seem to be aimed at exactly the sorts of people you'd least want to find out about them.
So while the Web may have facilitated the information age, we can also thank it for these 10 things that will almost certainly end badly:
Gun-Hiding Underwear
The Thing:
Unlike traditional holsters, gun-concealing compression underwear "can be worn with just about everything you own, gym shorts, sweat pants, jeans, dress pants, suit and tie. Works great with or without a belt." Because, seriously, fuck belts. When you're a man on the go, changing pants dozens of times a day, you need to keep your gun as close to your ass skin as physically possible.
The description at GlockStore.com promises that "it's like not wearing a holster at all! So comfortable, so secure, and yet so concealed."
OK, not that concealed.
Why It Will End Badly:
This product is either for people who aren't supposed to have guns to hide that fact that they're carrying one, or people who frequently find themselves pantless in the middle of mortal danger.
In support of the former is the product review from JP in Houston, who finds his gunderwear helpful because "I often wear sweat pants while in public." Unless he's a secret agent infiltrating Houston's shady underworld of unemployed comic book collectors, JP's problem with effectively concealing a gun in his best "going out sweat pants" is one we'd just as soon leave unsolved.
Then again, it looks like the creepy soft-porn video demonstration on the site has the naked-gunfight scenario in mind, as we find ourselves rooting for the lady to pull out her panty gun and shoot the camera man:
The first half of the video demonstrates how well the product hides guns on people who don't tuck their shirt into their underwear, while the remainder shows us what a blonde underwear model looks like saying "Why do I need to take my jeans all the way off?" through her teeth. And really, aren't fans of uncomfortable, forced nudity the sort of people we want to be able to hide guns on their body?
Close Range Bear Survival Kit from Smith & Wesson
The Thing:
After some rather extensive research, the folks at Smith & Wesson discovered that most bears prefer to do their attacking at close range. How close? Well, the kit contains a short barrel revolver because " longer barrel would make it more difficult to use in such a confined place and at point blank range, accuracy isn't that much of an issue."
But don't let the size fool you. The gun is so powerful that they claim merely firing it on the range will make your hand sore. Just make sure to find a range where they let you walk up within a few feet of the target, and pretend that it's attacking you.
Why It Will End Badly:
The product description readily admits that by the time you get your gun out of your rubber ducky colored lunchbox, the bear's going to be so close that gangland execution is your only option. Just make sure to aim carefully as the bear makes a crunchy pretzel sound with whichever of your extremities it has in its mouth.
The kit also includes a whistle, some mylar blankets and a saw. We have to assume that you amputate your gnawed off limbs with the saw because you just fought a grizzly bear at close range with a pistol and a whistle, and you use the blanket to stay warm as you wait for help while slowly bleeding to death. Most helpful of all, while you wait, you can read the book that comes with the kit: Bear Attacks of the Century and think to yourself "Man, my bear totally did that to me too."
Ninja Home Study Course
The Thing:
By now, you're probably pretty familiar with the following scene, described in vivid detail on the front page of Blackbelt.com:
That's right folks, for three easy payments, you can learn to be a fucking ninja. No longer will you be menaced by your inability to hear anything when glancing around. And if you think robberies only happen to people in stories that are loosely plagiarized from the first level of Double Dragon, Master Richard Van Donk would have you know that "out of every 334 people someone will get robbed that is scary." It's good to finally see a Ninja site that cares about the scary people of the world.
Why It Will End Badly:
Professor Van Donk lives in a world in which hiring a ninja is not only a viable option, but a "good idea" in the few seconds before a violent crime occurs. But even in that world, we have to think that if you already own a dojo, you probably won't be paying this guy to teach you Ninjitsu.
At first we thought Master Van Donk was a con man, preying on the minds and wallets of legally retarded people. But there are too many little clues that suggest a much, much sadder version of the truth that lives in the basement of a 70-year-old woman who regrets giving birth to it. There's the fact that he rounds the price of his videos off to the nearest thousandth, and that he seems genuinely surprised by a statistic he just made up off the top of his head.
Of course those clues, as well as the only good advice offered on the page to "not be fooled by made up Ninja courses," are in fine print, safely tucked away from the dim eyes of the people we're really worried about.
The Thing:
If you are like one of the hundreds of thousands without a job right now, you might want to pick yourself up this copy of stunt drivers for beginners. Keep in mind, it wasn't written for "seasoned" stunt drivers. It was written for you! YOU! Buy this book now and you can be doing 360 degree turns at 100 kmh! Seamlessly!
Why It Will End Badly:
Because his sales pitch appeals directly to the sort of person who might a difficult time retaining all "seven crucial steps of spinning a seamless 360 at 100 kmh." For instance, before launching into the product description, Mark Aisbett states, "As I said before, you're either a hero or an idiot." He has in fact set up this dichotomy already, which is strange since it's been our experience that those aren't mutually exclusive categories. In fact, people who self-identify as heroes tend to be pretty stupid by definition.
People like recreational stunt drivers, for example.
They're also exactly the sort of people who might give stunt driving a whirl as soon as they've thumbed through a couple of pages of this book and their mom lets them take the car out. So the next time you find yourself facing down a teenager tumbling toward you inside a chunk of flaming mini-van, don't forget to quietly thank Mr. Aisbett before commending them for their heroism.
Knife Fighting: A Practical Course
The Thing:
Michael D. Janich has written a book for those of us who are tired of all those theoretical knife fighting guides. He is such a prolific knife fighter that when it was time to take the fourth picture for his cover, he'd run out of shirtless gay men and napping homeless people to stab.
Why It Won't End Well:
There are a few indicators inside the book that your new sensei would be on the bleeding side of an actual knife fight if he chose opponents who knew why they were being attacked.
Take for instance the athletic pose that Janich strikes when demonstrating proper use of "your natural body weapon."
The least convincing karate stance since the crane.
There's also the photograph that accompanies his advice on what to do when "facing an armed opponent":
Either his opponent is armed with one of the most pathetically small weapons in the history of combat, or Janich believes that you only need arms to qualify as an "armed man." At least he's anointed himself an expert in a short range weapon. Just don't get within stabbing distance of Janich and the 38 people who gave his book a five-star rating on Amazon, and you should be fine. Right?
Fuuuuck.
Beginner's Guide to Catching Monster Sharks
The Thing:
Learning new things is cool. Fishing is kind of cool. Sharks are really cool. So why not combine it all together and learn how to bring "monster" sharks onto your boat? The book has 250 photos, and by the time you're done looking at those you should be ready. And it's not like the sharks are actually monsters, right?
Why It Will End Badly:
Well, actually, according to Captain Mike, the author, at least one type of shark is a monster.
In fact, the chapter on Makos makes them sound like the Velociraptors from Jurassic park: smart, fast and incredibly pissed off at you. Of course, the characters from Jurassic Park never tried to pull a pissed off raptor into a tiny enclosure by a hook in its mouth. Here, that's the entire point. You'd think you'd want to ease into that chapter, but then you're not a fucking monster shark fisherman:
Explosives Detection Field Test Kit - DropEx Plus
The Thing:
Now, when you stumble across a ticking package, you no longer have to scream "BOMB!" and run away as fast as you possibly can. In fact, you won't even need to wait a few hours and Google your local news station to find out what kind of explosive device disintegrated everything in its blast radius earlier that day. Now that the Explosive Detection Field Test Kit is available online, you can conduct experiments on highly explosive material yourself.
"It's a bomb! Thanks, Explosive Detection Field Test Kit."
Not an expert? No problem. The kit comes with easy to follow instructions like, "Drop-Ex-2 for Group B Drop-Ex-2 is used to search for GROUP B type explosives which include Dynamite, Nitroglycerine, RDX, PETN, SEMTEX, Nitrocellulose and smokeless powder. If after Drop-Ex-1 there is no color change, use Drop-Ex-2." And let's not forget about the detail you really care about: free shipping.
Why It Will End Badly:
We literally can't imagine a single scenario where the use of a D.I.Y. bomb kit could possibly be even remotely advisable. There are trained professionals, who are far better equipped to DIThemselves. It should also be noted that those trained professionals use remote controlled robots whenever possible in order to stay as far the fuck away from the job they've spent their entire life training to do. Compare the highly trained professionals, disarming bombs from a safe distance with you; the guy with his face directly over the bomb who needs big blinking arrows to show him where the bottles are.
Heroin User's Handbook
The Thing:
Racial prejudice is bad and all, but probably more damaging is prejudice against heroin. People act like heroin use is a scourge on society, but according to the Heroin User's Handbook, it's really heroin prejudice.
You've probably heard that using heroin could give you AIDS, make your teeth rot out and even kill you. According to Francis Moraes, Ph.D., that shit is on society. If they'd just start teaching the HUH in schools, kids would know about all the ways they can safely put heroin in their body, helpful hints for "scoring on the street" and "purifying heroin."
And it's not like Dr. Moraes doesn't cover the risks involved. His first chapter opens with the sage advice "Don't try heroin."
Why It Will End Badly:
Mr. Moraes's book is an insane mixture of acknowledging the dangers of heroine, while trying desperately to explain why he finds the stuff so damn great.
The first chapter may open with a warning, but it ends with a helpful reminder that "heroin can be used safely." The whole concept of "addiction" would seem to argue against that but hey, maybe it's possible to get addicted to safety.
There's also the bizarre passage where he acknowledges that it's possible to die of a heroin overdose, but then says it's "not at all clear as to why it happens." Hey, maybe they were all poisoned by the CIA. Maybe the government doesn't want heroin users to succeed in their mission to save the world with their good vibrations and jazz music. It's sure as fuck not because heroin is bad for you at all!
Ironically, probably the greatest testament to the dangers of heroin is the fact that Moraes, a long time user, has used his Ph.D. to amass the following body of work:
How to Build Your Own Catapult
The Thing:
Now you too can build medieval siege devices, for any number of practical modern uses, primarily giving emergency crews a hilarious story they can tell for years.
Why It Will End Badly:
If you feel the need to make the very first chapter of your book into what is basically one long disclaimer, you might want to think twice about making it available to the general public.
"The catapults and related projects described in this book have been designed with your safety foremost in mind. However, as you try them out, there is still a possibility that something unexpected may occur ... few of the projects result in powerful siege engines with projectiles that can move pretty fast."
What the author really should say here is: "...there is a possibility that the expected may occur. That is to say, as you advance down your street pulling your Macedonian catapult behind you, you will likely be shot or captured by the police before you can load it with your first boulder or infected cow. So, why don't you just stick to reading a book about catapults instead of buying a book that teaches you how to build them."
Really, the best case scenario is that this thing malfunctions and only injures you. That's quite an accomplishment for a do-it-yourself guide.
Sure, there are guides out there for things like D.I.Y. hot air balloons, which have a high potential for hilarity but in the hands of a competent builder, could still turn out perfectly harmless and even cool. But here, if everything goes perfectly, it still ends with a huge fucking projectile whistling through the air. You can load this thing with food and fire it toward an orphanage and you're still probably going to wind up shot by a police sniper.
The Thing:
We've all been there: You and your loved ones are walking at an oblique angle towards a brick wall when a man in a ski mask and roller skating wrist guards points a gun in your face. He's cocking it to the side like they do in rap videos, so you know he means business. What do you do?
Well, if you prefer gun-disarmings to be relatively nonsense free, you've already purchased and learned the lessons from Under The Gun, an instructional DVD so good that its title works just as well for a Steven Seagal movie.
Why It Will End Badly:
The DVD description repeatedly and emphatically points out that in a confrontation with an armed man, "compliance can get you killed!" Yes, it's far more dangerous to give the mugger the five bucks in your wallet, rather than do the sensible thing and try to lunge at him and wrestle the gun out of his hands.
The product description uses more exclamation points than most of the emails in your spam filter to let you know that "You can defeat the gunman!" while promising to give you "the attitude necessary to defeat a gunman who is about to blow you away!"
"Don't worry!! Your attitude will save you!!!"
Of course, copping a 'tude and refusing to hand over the cash is only half the battle. You'll also need to learn "the twelve possible assault positions of a gun." Twelve? Wait, is this fucking Gunkata?
We'll let you know when our copy arrives.
For more things that won't end well, check out 7 Items You Won't Believe Are Actually Legal and 7 Hacks That Turn Everyday Objects into Deadly Weapons.
And for things that will end well (read: Boobs) check out our Top Picks.
