7 Safety Products (for the Incredibly Paranoid)

7 "The Back Up" Bed Shotgun System

What's the American dream? We're going to have to go with, "Laying in bed whilst fighting off hordes of criminals and/or zombies."

But damn is that hard to coordinate. You want to be all comfy and your shotgun is way over there in the closet. That straight up sucks. You could get out of bed, but what is this, North Korea? You could just let the criminals and zombies eat you, but that's the Canadian way.

What you need is a solution to bring bed and shotgun together in a comfy, lethal combo. Say hello to the Back Up.

It's a shotgun mounting rack that fits between your mattress and box spring so that, in a pinch, your shotgun is mere seconds away and you don't have to stop watching Maury or stop eating pistachios to get it. At this point you're probably already polishing your gun and all atwitter with excitement that you need not expend any extra effort in shooting those hooligans who keep coming into your bedroom.

But wait, is that trepidation? Worried that you sleep on the wrong side of the bed? Fear not! As the website states, thanks to the Back Up's patented design, it can fit on either side of the bed. In fact, they recommend putting one on both sides, so that you can take out the fuckers coming in the door while your wife peppers rounds into the zombies at the window.

6 "The Evacuchut" Office Building Escape Parachute

Everyone who works in a tall office building these days has to, in the back of their mind, imagine what they'd do in the event of a massive fire on the floors below them. We've all seen horrible images of this scenario playing out, and of course here we're talking about the70s movie The Towering Inferno, starring Faye Dunaway, Steve McQueen and OJ Simpson.

Fortunately, for those of us who fear that kind of nightmare situation, and who like to rely on cartoon logic to solve our problems, there is the Evacuchute. Peace of mind is just $2,500 away.

Designed for the office worker who would rather crash out of a window from the 93rd floor than wait for a potential rescue, the Evacuchute is your workplace emergency parachute evacuation system of choice.

And just because any school that teaches BASE jumping won't even think of training you unless you've done about 100 skydives and are fully licensed, odds are you'll do fine when you're in a panic and, with no training, bash out the window of your office and fly to safety when the smoke alarm goes off because someone overcooked some microwave popcorn.

5 The Bulletproof Backpack

We all want to keep our children safe, and that's perfectly understandable. You don't let your toddler ride on the hood of the car or use your jackhammer without supervision. When they have the kickboxing matches in your back yard, you don't let them glue the glass to their fists (well, you don't let their opponents do it).

But it's possible to take even something like child safety too far. For instance, we have the people who design school supplies that are bullet and knife proof, such as this $200 backpack.

We guess a bulletproof backpack would pay off the day someone shoots you in the back during the few minutes out of the day when you actually have the backpack on, in the same way that having retractable ice skates embedded in the soles of your shoes will pay off the one time you're attacked by Mr. Freeze.

Yes, we're aware that some children do get shot from time to time. But if you're that paranoid about your child's potential to be shot at school it may behoove you to transfer to a better school district rather than outfitting them with a backpack and spending your days praying that, if and when someone runs amok with a firearm, they have the good taste to shoot your child in the one, backpack-sized area that happens to be protected.

Also, we're pretty sure the kids that need this the worst are the children of the owners of the bed-mounted gun rack up there.

4 The Rapex Rapist Dick Destroyer

We'd like to take a moment here at Cracked.com to make light of rape.

OK, maybe that's not such a hot idea. What we will mock however is Rapex, the anti-rape device meant to be worn by women. In their vagina. That's right, it's a device that's less about preventing rape and more about getting revenge on the rapist while he's raping you.

So Rapex is basically a female condom that has wire barbs in it. If a woman is attacked by a man, the barbs dig into his penis and will have to be surgically removed. It kind of turns a woman's crotch into Sarlacc pit from Return of the Jedi. That in turn means any woman wearing this has the most badass vagina ever.

Again we want to make it clear, we are totally for rape prevention. We're going to stand by that controversial position. But we want rape prevention that works while the rapist is still 20 yards away. Like if they could invent one of these that somehow shoots out and lands on the rapist's dick while he's still on the other side of the parking lot, we'd be all for that. Especially if somebody uploads that event to YouTube.

3 Safe Rooms That Make the One in Panic Room Look Like a Big Pile of Shit

If you saw the film Panic Room then you probably wanted your money back. But it likely also introduced you to the concept of the super paranoid who keep high security rooms squirreled away in their homes for that one day when the shit hits the fan and the bad guys coming storming in and you can't get to your bed shotguns.

And maybe it's not just random thugs coming in to steal your shit. What if they're a team of international terrorists bringing chemical warfare or nuclear fallout with them? Well you and Jodie Foster are equally fucked, aren't you?

Not so! Thanks to advancements in paranoia technology, as well as in safe rooms, you can outfit your house or apartment with a room that can withstand a biological, chemical or nuclear attack. Not a direct one, but still, if there's fallout you'll be sitting pretty while your neighbors turn into mutants or just die horribly. We're not sure which as our research into popular films indicates either could happen.

Through the use of some air filtration and ventilation systems you can maintain pressure to keep the bad air out and the good air in. Take that, atomic warfare! While you may have to work out the food and water issue on your own, that's really a secondary concern.

In the meantime you can consider where you want your safe room. Should it be in the center of the building, thus giving you more protection from the fallout; or near the outside, so you can conduct surveillance and keep track of how many mutants you'll have to slaughter once you leave and try to rebuild society? Decisions, decisions.

2 Child-Sized Full Body Pandemic Coveralls

Let's face it, if it's not Ebola, SARS or Bird Flu, it's going to be something. One of these days the media will pump up a worldwide pandemic threat and for once they're going to be right, damnit!

Well thanks to the Internet, for just a little cash you can know you'll be safe the day the good Lord unleashes his pestilence into the world. Available are kits that protect from, "...Fire, Smoke, Explosion, Chemical, Biological and Nuclear hazards, as well as for SARS, Bird Flu and Equine Flu."

Equine flu? What? Is that a new one? Shit!

The product line includes Pandemic Escape Kits, complete with mask, gloves and anti-bacterial hand gel. And, as you see above, you can equip all of your family, including toddlers, in full body disease suits. The site notes that, should the apocalypse not occur, the suit is also great for "theme parties."

"Honey, do you want a clown for your birthday, or to have all of your little friends re-enact The Stand?"

1 The Blaster Car-Mounted Flamethrower

South Africans take a slightly more hard line approach to self defense than some other nations, and when it comes to protecting your car, no measure is too extreme, even if that measure is so fucking insane that you stare in wide-eyed shocked silence, shaking your head slowly in disbelief. But if life has taught us nothing else, it's that shit that's totally insane is often effective. Or at least awesome to watch.

That brings us to the Blaster, a device that shoots jets of liquid fuel from under the doors and ignites them via a spark with the soul purpose of burning the shit out of whoever is trying to jack your Miata. Yes, the Blaster is a flamethrower for your car.

The fuel is stored in the trunk and fed through hoses to nozzles under the door. Should jacking occur, one merely has to press a button to send the potential carjacker running around screaming "Holy shit I'm on fire!" For added kicks, the system fires on both sides regardless of what side an attack is coming from, discouraging looky-loos from standing too close when a carjacking happens.

The inventor assures the world it's actually nonlethal as no one is going to stand there long enough to get roasted to death. On the other hand, he's confident the attacker will be blinded for the rest of his life, and didn't mention how it reacts to various flammable fabrics but, come on, who has time for that shit. That's what they get for trying to carjack you. Or for being in the vicinity when you accidentally hit the flamethrower button.

For more products for the suicidal, check out 5 Insane Devices From Kids Cartoons (That Actually Exist). And then check out some stuff that will probably leave more lasting emotional scars on your child than the bulletproof backpack, in 20 Baby Products Great For Traumatizing Infants.

And visit Cracked.com's Top Picks to check out what safety products FoxNews keeps for when the liberals take over the world.