If 'Twilight' Was 10 Times Shorter And 100 Times More Honest

FADE IN:

EXT. WASHINGTON

KRISTEN STEWART goes to FORKS, WASHINGTON.

KRISTEN STEWART (V.O.)

Once upon a time, there lived an enchanting girl named Stephanie Meyer, er I mean Kristen Stewart. She was so awesome that her awesomeness couldn't be contained in Arizona, so she moved to Washington to stay with her father, who was totally lame and not cool.

BILLY BURKE

Hey honey. I'm super lame. I got you a car, but it's totally uncool because I'm totally uncool.

KRISTEN STEWART

Thanks Dad, or whatever. Time for my first day at a new school. Since every coming-of-age story requires the main character be a social outcast, I suppose I'll have to endure being the unpopular new girl until I do something that proves my worth.

KRISTEN goes to school and is INSTANTLY POPULAR AND BELOVED.

ANNA KENDRICK

Oh my God I love your hair you're so pretty will you be my new best friend?

GREGORY TYREE BOYCE

Can I take you out sometime since you're so awesome?

MICHAEL WELCH

No way you asshole, I saw her first!

KRISTEN STEWART

I'd rather watch "The Messengers" than date either of you. Why don't you go ask Anna instead?

ANNA KENDRICK

Ohmigod I'm getting Kristen's rejects, that's so awesome!

KRISTEN STEWART

Wow. I guess this is what it looks like when the unpopular fat girl's pathetic daydreams get written down and published into a bestselling book. Aren't well-written characters supposed to have flaws?

ANNA KENDRICK

Flaws? Oh, well, um, I suppose you could argue that you're a little TOO perfect and amazing. But I don't think so. Let's make out.

Suddenly, ROBERT PATTINSON enters. The paleness of him and his family members reach blinding levels while the squeals in the movie theater reach deafening levels.

KRISTEN STEWART

Who's the albino Wolverine?

ANNA KENDRICK

Oh, him? That's Robert. He's universally acknowledged as the hottest boy in school but he doesn't date anyone because no girl is good enough for him.

KRISTEN STEWART

No girl is good enough for him? Man, the excuses closested homosexuals come up with these days...

KRISTEN sits next to ROBERT, who nearly vomits in his mouth and leaves school for a week. Eventually, he returns.

KRISTEN STEWART

Hey, where did you go? Because you are exceedingly mean to me, I find myself attracted to you.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Sounds like textbook daddy issues, you fat cow.

KRISTEN STEWART

(swoon)

ROBERT PATTINSON

You have a bright career as a stripper ahead of you.

ROBERT and KRISTEN continue not quite interacting with each other and having no chemistry what-so-ever.

KRISTEN STEWART

Hey, your eyes are changing color from gorgeous to ultragorgeous. What's going on?

ROBERT PATTINSON

Alright, you got me. I was acting like a jerk because I secretly totally love you.

KRISTEN STEWART

Of course! This also explains why the captain of the football team always acted like he hated Stephanie Meyer!

ROBERT PATTINSON

There's more. I want to eat you.

KRISTEN STEWART

Holy shit, really? I need to go home and do some waxing first, but...

ROBERT PATTINSON

No, I mean literally eat you. I'm a vampire.

KRISTEN STEWART

Hmm. The only way I will believe you is if you carry me up a mountain using special effects from the 70s.

He DOES.

KRISTEN STEWART

You really are a vampire! Does that mean that garlic, stakes, and sunlight kill you?

ROBERT PATTINSON

Don't be stupid. All of that lore is far too interesting for this movie. Being a vampire just means I get superpowers. It's like being Spider-Man, but sexier. Also, I sparkle in the sunlight.

KRISTEN STEWART

So that's why why your family moved here, because it's always overcast!

ROBERT PATTINSON

That's right everyone, this whole movie is a two-hour-long setup for a joke about the Pacific Northwest.

KRISTEN STEWART

So if you're immortal, how old are you anyway?

ROBERT PATTINSON

Over a hundred, but to be fair I've spent most of that time working on my hair.

The two of them GAZE into each other's eyes with UNCOMFORTABLY HUGE CLOSEUPS for 80% of the rest of the movie.

INT. KRISTEN'S BEDROOM

KRISTEN wakes up to find ROBERT watching her sleep.

KRISTEN STEWART

Holy fucking shit! If you weren't so hot I'd have you arrested! How long have you been doing this?

ROBERT PATTINSON

2 months.

KRISTEN STEWART

But I've only lived here one month according to the script.

ROBERT PATTINSN

Yeah, the script was written in six weeks. Don't get hung up on shit like that.

KRISTEN STEWART

Oh. Well, as long as you're here I guess we could have sex.

ROBERT PATTINSON

No, I can't have sex with you! I'd be unable to control myself! I'd bite you and turn you into a vampire! Also I ejaculate boiling venom, so I'd need to wear like fifty condoms.

KRISTEN STEWART

Wait, we can't have sex at all, and you can't suck my blood? How can you make a vampire movie without anyone sucking blood?

ROBERT PATTINSON

It's alright, I think this movie already has more than enough sucking.

INT. BILLY BURKE'S HOUSE

BILLY BURKE is cleaning his gun and drinking a beer while listening to country music.

KRISTEN STEWART

Dad, my boyfriend is coming over to pick me up. Try not to get dork all over him.

BILLY BURKE

Okay, let me meet him after the movie makes the film industry's ten billionth joke about protective fathers disliking boyfriends.

KRISTEN STEWART

Alright. Oh, and also: He's a 100-year-old vampire, don't say anything racist about vampires, okay?

ROBERT PATTINSON

Hello, sir. It's a pleasure to meet you, Kristen has said absolutely nothing about you because you're so lame.

BILLY BURKE

So I hear you're a 100-years-old. And interested in my 17-year-old daughter. So, mathematically that's like, what, a 40-year-old dating a 6-year-old?

ROBERT PATTINSON

Ummmmmmmm...

BILLY BURKE

Yeah, so my friend Chris Hansen would like you to have a seat right over here.

KRISTEN STEWART

Dad, you're embarrassing me almost as much as my acting! I'm just going over to his house to have dinner with his family, I'll be back before 11. Unless the ravenous vampires murder me, of course.

BILLY BURKE

Alright, just bring this pepper spray with you. It's literally the very least I can do to offer it to my teenage daughter.

KRISTEN STEWART

Daaaaad! Stop being such a loser, I don't need this!

BILLY BURKE

Really? Weren't you almost raped by four guys earlier in the movie?

KRISTEN STEWART

Yeah but I have a BOYFRIEND now, which means I no longer have to be independent or physically capable of doing anything on my own. GOD!

ROBERT and KRISTEN go to visit ROBERT'S FAMILY MANSION in the middle of the woods, because of course the FANTASY MALE should be rich, too.

INT. GLASS MANSION

KRISTEN meets ROBERT'S VAMPIRE FAMILY.

KRISTEN STEWART

Jesus, this place is paler than an Anne Rice book signing event. At least it doesn't smell as bad.

PETER FACINELLI

Welcome to our ridiculously expensive home. I'm the father figure of this family because I'm the one who turned them all into vampires. There's something disturbing about the idea that I've only turned teenagers into vampires, but let's ignore that.

KRISTEN STEWART

Wow, you guys are so close. What keeps this family together so well?

PETER FACINELLI

Funny you should ask. Let me tell you about Count Joseph Von Smith. One day a vampire named Moronula appeared to him and told him to find these golden stakes buried in a coffin...

NIKKI REED

Knock it off, dad. So, Kristen, there must be something really special about you for Robert to take such a liking to you and risk the lives of his entire family. Tell us about yourself.

KRISTEN STEWART

Me? Oh, no. I'm just a hollow placeholder for all of the teenage girls in the audience to project their personalities onto. I have none of my own whatsoever.

NIKKI REED

Oh. Well what do you like to do for fun?

KRISTEN STEWART

Mostly smoke pot on my porch in front of the paparazzi. What about you guys?

PETER FACINELLI

Vampire baseball.

KRISTEN STEWART

Ha ha, no seriously.

PETER FACINELLI

Really. Vampire baseball. We even have uniforms. Want to come watch us play?

KRISTEN STEWART

Actually, as it happens, the very last thing on Earth I or any other sane person would want to watch is vampire baseball, but go ahead.

They play vampire baseball, which looks exactly as stupid as it sounds to all of the males in the audience. The game attracts the attention of some EVIL VAMPIRES, who actually do the type of shit vampires are supposed to, like fucking kill boring humans. One of them, CAM GIGANDET, notices KRISTEN.

CAM GIGANDET

Oh man, that looks great, are you gonna finish that?

ROBERT PATTINSON

Stay away from her or my family will have to kill you. Specifically, we'll have to hiss at you like fifth graders pretending to be Dracula, and then kill you.

CAM GIGANDET

Murder, eh? That's one hell of a family activity. My family usually just plays Scrabble.

PETER FACINELLI

The family that slays together, stays together.

CAM tries to eat KRISTEN, a poorly directed action sequence ensues, and eventually he is defeated.

PETER FACINELLI

Kristen's been bitten! She'll be turned into a vampire within minutes unless you suck the venom out! I can't do it for some reason or another.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Since the whole novel this is based on is just Mormon propaganda for abstinence and bloodsucking is a metaphor for sex, what exactly is this advocating?

PETER FACINELLI

Look, all I know is that even though it's going to be REALLY HARD, you're just going to have to PULL OUT of her before CLIMAX. The climax of the movie, I mean.

He DOES. It's very DISSATISFYING.

INT. HOSPITAL

KRISTEN wakes up in the hospital, and ROBERT wakes up after her.

KRISTEN STEWART

I thought vampires never slept.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Script. Six weeks. Remember?

KRISTEN STEWART

Right. Well, thanks for saving my life after endangering it by inviting me into your dangerous world. Let's go to the prom together.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Actually, I think it would be better if we broke up. To keep you safe.

KRISTEN STEWART

From vampires?

ROBERT PATTINSON

No, from being typecast forever after this series is done. I'm screwed, but it's not too late for you.

KRISTEN STEWART

No. No, you can't ever leave me. Never. No matter what. We must be together forever and ever and ever.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Holy shit, you're a clingy psychotic bitch. Maybe we have a realistic high school relationship after all.

They stay together and go to the PROM.

KRISTEN STEWART

I want you to make me a vampire so that I can be with you, even if it means sacrificing my own life as a mortal.

ROBERT PATTINSON

So, the next generation of young women are currently flocking to see a female lead starring in a movie by a female director based on a bestselling book by a female author, and in this movie the main character wants to become completely submissive and self-sacrificing for a male.

KRISTEN STEWART

I love you. Put a baby in me.

ROBERT PATTINSON

At least the other three books can't possibly be more misogynistic and depressing.

They ARE.

END