7 Methods for Coping with Tragedy (Courtesy of James Bond)
Although our attempts to form a religion around the teachings of James Bond have largely failed, the man still has much to teach us.
Today we'll examine how Bond deals with the many, many tragedies he's encountered in his life. We hope to show you that, though he may be a suave secret agent with an almost inhuman ability to score chicks, Bond lives his life by principals we can all apply in our own day to day existence.
A Colleague Dies
As Seen In:
A View To A Kill, The World Is Not Enough
The death of a coworker is something we must all be prepared to deal with, especially if we work at a large company with bad health benefits. Being able to cope ensures the tragedy doesn't derail a healthy workplace and career. Having repeatedly watched fellow agents fall in the line of duty, Bond has had no choice but to learn to properly mourn his colleagues.
"Goodbye, Hagrid."
The Grieving Process:
Step One: Look slightly surprised for two seconds.
Step Two: Go on as if nothing happened.
"I shall miss you, Agent 003. As soon as I finish looting your corpse."
You Find Your Best Friend's Corpse, After a Drug Lord Fed Him to a Shark
As Seen In:
License To Kill
Probably no more than 10% of you will lose a close friend to a premeditated shark attack, and fewer still will find out about their death from a taunting note taped to the half-eaten body.
But as Bond demonstrates once again, you must learn to keep the tragedy from taking over your life.
The Grieving Process:
Step One: Resign from the service.
Step Two: Go on a rampage, brutally murdering every drug dealer in South America.
Step Three: Utter dry witticism.
Step Four: Never mention friend again.
A Woman You Love is Murdered
As Seen In:
Goldfinger, You Only Live Twice, Diamonds Are Forever, The Man With The Golden Gun, Moonraker, For Your Eyes Only... pretty much all of them.
How often have you met a woman--say, during a high-stakes card game or while sneaking into a criminal mastermind's submarine--only to have her turn up brutally murdered later? As Bond demonstrates, the important thing is that you not blame yourself ... even if it's happened to a statistically convincing percentage of the many women he's slept with.
"That must have taken forever! What an asshole."
The Grieving Process:
Step One: Bow head for three seconds
Step Two: Kill said bad guy
"You're about to find out why they call me Bulletfinger."
"Wait, what?"
*POW*
Step Three: Utter dry witticism.
Step Four: Go on as if nothing happened.
The Love of Your Life Is Cruelly Murdered By Your Arch-Nemesis on Your Wedding Day
As Seen In:
On Her Majesty's Secret Service, concluded by Diamonds Are Forever.
The death of the spouse is the most life-changing event a person can suffer (according to the Holmes-Rahe Life Change Scale). How can any man go on? Ask Bond.
The Grieving Process:
Step One: Spend five minutes attempting revenge
Step Two: Fail
Step Three: Fly to Vegas
Step Four: Pick up cheap floozie
"My wife just died, you know."
"Oh, you poor man. Sympathy's an extra five bucks."
Step Five: Go joy riding in a stolen moon-buggy for some reason
Step Six: Go on as if nothing happened, even when face-to-face with said nemesis.
"Well, Bond, how do you feel about my killing your wife?"
"My what now?"
You're Forced to Murder a Woman You Loved (Because She Turned Out to be Evil)
As Seen In:
Live And Let Die, The World Is Not Enough
If you ever find yourself in this situation, please consult a professional before you murder the woman. Bond is careful never to kill his lovers unless they are a threat to the free world. Finding out she's banging your neighbor Todd does not qualify (at least, in the eyes of the law).
"I know that unlike Denise Richards, you can actually act. But trying to kill me is still going to end poorly for you."
The Grieving Process:
Step One: Utter dry witticism.
Step Two: Bow head for two seconds
Step Three: Dive out the window to kill more bad guys.
You Lose a High-Stakes Card Game
As Seen In:
Casino Royale
Up to 10 million people suffer from gambling addiction. The effects of major losses can result in depression or even suicide. Bond shows us that the path to recovery requires a little help from a friend.
The Grieving Process:
Step One: Order vodka martini, angrily refuse to specify whether shaken or stirred.
Step Two: Have someone smash your nuts over and over again.
Your Parents Die in a Skiing Accident at Age 11
As Seen In:
Referenced in the books, mostly, but comes up from time to time.
We pity anyone whose childhood was lost to the untimely death of a parent. But, once more when life is at its cruelest, Bond shows us that it is possible to transform tragedy into a life of purpose and resolve.
The Grieving Process:
Step One: Drop out of school
Step Two: Join the Royal Navy
Step Three: Transfer to Secret Service
Step Four: Get paid by the government to kill bad guys and get laid like it's 1969.
"THIS IS MY BURDEN AND I SHALL BEAR IT ALONE!"
Be sure to check out The 15 Most Cringe-Worthy James Bond Puns, or if you're the creative type, this week's photoshop contest is asking you to come up with James Bond Gadgets That Didn't Make It Into the Movies.
