9 Innocent Google Searches That Get Porn On the First Page
Some say the internet is a cesspool of depravity, where even searching for an innocent phrase like "water sports" will return filth. But it can't be that bad, right?
Using Google Image Search, we tried some common and completely non-dirty words with the "SafeSearch" filter on and then off. What we found left us shocked, disgusted and highly, highly aroused.
To help our readers avoid at-work-arousal, we decided to censor the naughty bits with a disapproving nun.
God hates your boner.
Not that we should need to censor anything, since we're only searching innocent words like ...
"Eat"
Safe Filter On:
Right away, we saw how the Google SafeSearch feature is basically a dam holding back a flood of depravity. For instance, when searching for "eat" with SafeSearch on, everything looks pretty clean. Our first result is a miniaturized version of a McDonald's value meal which, surprisingly, still contains over 1000 calories. The most tantalizing picture is one of a couple sharing an intimate moment at an expensive restaurant.
We can only imagine that a seedy motel and a milk maid's uniform are in their near future. Now let's turn off SafeSearch...
Filter Off:
Whoa! Alrighty. We've still got our value meal as our first image, but the very next one is a woman in the middle of an ass cheek sandwich.
You think you're out of the woods with a tasteful 50s toddler eating, and them POW! There's our childhood hero, Elmo, partaking in some carnal pleasure.
The next row of pics kicks off with a wide open panorama of vagina.
Thanks, internet. We searched for the word "eat," and in the top 10 results we saw more genitals eaten than food. Not a promising start. Or very promising. We're not here to judge.
"The Great Outdoors"
Safe Filter On:
Why, a search for "The Great Outdoors" gives us a poster for the family friendly 1988 comedy starring Dan Ackroyd and John Candy! What could be more wholesome than that?
The raciest image in the top 10 is a model in a one-piece swimsuit advertising Budweiser. Surely this search phrase is more than safe for, say, the young Cub Scout in your home looking for camping sites. So let's take the filter off...
Filter Off:
First is still John Candy and Dan Ackroyd, second is some generic mountains. Then, the internet having dispensed of all non-porn images of the great outdoors, gives us a full frontal naked lady as the third result.
In the second row, there's John and Dan again, right next to an equally naked lady bending over (thanks, sluttymexicans.com!). In the top 10 results for "The Great Outdoors" the internet has delivered every inch of the female anatomy, and the boobs outnumber the mountains 6 to 2.
"Sunny"
Safe Filter On:
Ah, just what we'd expect. First pic for "sunny" is a nice looking beach with smooth sand, pleasant palm trees, a nice ocean view and no other people around. Beaches and the sun take up most of the results, in fact... but not all. For Sunny is a woman's name, and this is the internet.
In the first row of the safe results we still get this "frog-sunny" picture of a half naked woman squatting like a frog with words tattoed on her ass, which makes us ponder whether this is porn or a new amphibian fetish (which we will call Phibies). There is also a wallpaper image of porn star Sunny Leone which gives us an early hint about what we'll see once the safe search is off.
Filter Off:
Shove a dildo up our butts, we were right.
Speaking of dildos, it appears that Sunny and her friend Roxy above are enjoying one of their courses at the "lesbian training blog."
Sunny Leone makes another appearance in the results for wearing lingerie that is less revealing than what she had on in the safe filter wallpaper. Also note that the Phibie picture has moved up a few spots. It may not be long before we start hearing about Pond Parties.
"Small"
Safe Filter On:
Ah, now we're surely in a no-porn zone. A generic adjective like "small" has an infinity of non-naked possibilities. Sure enough, with SafeSearch on we get intestines, cars, fonts, a guy on a morgue slab and two women with the last name Small.
There is something else from this search that is also small: our hope for seeing any titties.
Filter Off:
One breast, two breasts, three breasts, four. Five breasts, six breasts, seven breasts, whore. In the first six results for this random, bland word we've got four naked women, an odd number of breasts and a picture of a small dick. Everyone wins! Except for the guy with the miniscule manhood.
"Big"
Safe Filter On:
Well, "small" worked out so well, we might as well go the other way. A lot of pictures of the ocean and waves, for some reason (because the ocean is... big?). Big game, big bang, big oil, and the smallest hint of a scantily clad woman in the second row.
Filter Off:
We were worried with this one. There's a lot of ways "big" can go wrong on the internet. So let's just click the button...
Wow. This ... this may be the holy grail of unintentional porn. Everything you need to know about the internet is displayed in the first five image results for "big":
Big Tits
Big Booty
Big Tits
Big Dick
Big Boobs
It's like the first row is having a big, horizontal orgy up there, and none of the 700-lb women we feared were invited. Scroll down the page and you've got "Big Hooters" and "Big Butts" and, well, let's just say there's an extreme close-up from sexylabia.com.
Okay, we're starting to think any word we type in that search box will get us a porn-splosion. Maybe if we just start making up words...
"Woah"
Safe Filter On:
So you try a nonsense word like "woah" and what do you get? Bunch of pictures of Keanu Reeves, right?
How about boobies, in the very first image on safe search. Huge, cartoon, barely covered boobies. Oh, and the lady has a red scarf in her mouth for some reason.
The second result is one of those classic internet "WTF" pictures that in fact did make us say, "woah." Good work, Google.
Filter Off:
Give us a moment here, while we go gouge out our eyes and move to a monastery. And not because of the guy swinging his dick in our faces on the very first result, though that certainly didn't help. No, it's the woman on the second result. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING ON HER LAP?
It's like some skinless slimy alien probe oozing up to put the moves on her.
So to recap, the first four images for "woah" are:
Man swinging cock at camera;
Woman fucking slime alien;
Huge-titted cartoon puking a scarf;
Dudes torturing an alien in a shower.
As of now we are having serious doubts about this project. Let's take this as far in the other direction as possible. Let's try...
"Inspector Gadget"
Safe Filter On:
For once, the result turns up exactly what we were expecting: pictures of Inspector Gadget. Even better, most are of the cartoon version that entertained many kids in the 80s and had Gadget voiced by Don Adams, rather than the shitty movie with Matthew Broderick.
We were delighted to think back to a simpler time, when we didn't have all these adult worries like paying our bills by searching for Inspector Gadget porn for Cracked.
Should be no problem to turn the filter off...
Filter Off:
Ah, nothing to see here. Same lineup of images. Only... they seem to be offset by one, as if one extra image has entered the lineup. Let's look down at the end of the second row...
Oh, holy shit. That would appear to be Inspector Gadget fucking his little girl Penny.
Wow. Cartoon porn, incest, pedophilia, it's the Dateline: To Catch A Predator trifecta. DAMN YOU, GOOGLE!
All right. We're going all the way. Let's try "Lord."
"Lord"
Safe Filter On:
Jesus Christ! That's what Google suggests we should be looking for in its related searches. When Google is telling you that you need to find Jesus that's a pretty good sign that this search may send you straight to hell.
Otherwise the geeks dominate this page with Lord of the Rings results taking up several spots, and Lord Kelvin near the top. This not only isn't porn, we're firmly in realm of the virgins. Seems like we're out of the disturbing porn woods, guys!
Filter Off:
Apparently the movie poster for Lord of War was too provocative for the safe search... wait, what's that down there in the second row?
Woah! We have a gay bondage porn emergency here!
Yes, on the sixth freaking result for "Lord," the internet presents us the DVD cover for Lord of Milking. And it ain't about cows.
Lord and Lady Kelvin don't seem phased by this. Though, up close, the Lord's eyes appear to be closed.
In disapproval? Or ecstasy?
"Nuns"
Safe Filter On:
Come on, internet! It's nuns! But even with the safe search on, what do we get?
Five nuns, ten ass cheeks and one trip straight to hell. While we knew Catholic schools played a large role in the fantasies of males of all ages, it usually involved plaid schoolgirl outfits, not nuns. Right?
Wrong. If you were actually searching for a picture of the stern, 200-year old nun we used to censor these images, you'll need to find another search term, because this safe search returns nothing of the kind.
Nuns having fun, nuns with buns, nuns with runs (in their panty hose) and nuns with big 'uns.
Filter Off:
Of all the searches, this is the one that returns the skankiest picture? "Nuns"?
Sure enough, the tenth result is a nun straddling a guy in reverse cowgirl while blowing another dude. Let us stop the article one last time and remind you we didn't search for "naked nuns" or "sexy nuns" or "nun cowgirl + blowjob." Just "nuns."
It's not just one pic, either. We also have two nuns in a field enjoying each other's God given body, and another of a nun painting a naked dude (perhaps just moments before naked cowgirl blowjob action ensues).
Oddly, only with the filter off did we find the stern nun we ended up using to censor all these images. Bloody wrists with ruler indentations await us if we don't close the browser right freaking now.
