Seven Supposedly Fun (And Actually Awful) Sex Ideas
On Saturdays, we ask the people behind some of our favorite websites to fill in for us. You get to learn about an awesome site you may not have heard of, and we get to watch cartoons in our boxers. Today we're bringing you the truth behind some sex ideas that sound great, but are actually terrible, from Philalawyer.net.
If you're like me, and I think you are, seeing as we both share an affinity for the internet, you're probably bored with all the constant sex you're having. Even when it's with another person. It's always the same - the missionary, the dog style, that thing where you put the Saran Wrap over her face. You find yourself thinking, "There's got to be more than this, some new ideas to spice things up." There are, but it's not all good...
Filming It
We're both putting on the just-out-college-in-first-job twenty five. I barely fit in my Dockers and have an impressive set of B-cup man-breasts. Your ass is expanding faster than the Chinese economy, and you're really insecure about it. Let's film ourselves fucking. We'll do it on the futon, in your efficiency unit. You have fluorescent reading lights next to your bed, right? I want to make sure we get all my backne, and those hairy moles on your thigh.
Problem No. 1:
She never wants to have sex again.
Problem No. 2:
That's fine with you.
Mutual Masturbation
I'm naked, you're naked, and we both want to get off. Here's a thought... Why don't we do exactly what we would if neither one of us could get laid? In front of each other.
Problem No. 1:
Ever jerk off in the mirror? Yeah, it's that ugly.
Problem No. 2:
She's competitive.
Problem No. 3:
She's never going to win.
The "Facial"
I'm plowing away on your pelvis, giving you the old "white man's jackhammer." You're numb, analyzing the stucco on the ceiling and waiting for me to finish. What do you say I pull out just when I'm ready, straddle you and jerk off on your face? "It's really sexy... Lots of women love it."
Problem No. 1:
Explaining where you got the idea.
Problem No. 2:
Using "the internet" or "Ron Jeremy" in that discussion.
Problem No. 3:
Having to finish yourself off on the couch watching Skinemax.
Sixty-nine
I want head, you want head. How do we decide who gives and receives first? Screw it. Let's do both at once. You give me a blow job while sniffing my testicles and I'll go down on you with my nose up your ass. What could be better than a sex act joked about relentlessly by fifth graders since the seventies?
Problem No. 1:
The coin flip is so much easier.
Problem No. 2:
"Sorry about that. I had Mexican for lunch."
Screwing Outdoors
Everybody who hasn't seen video of themselves doing it wants to have sex in a public place. It's fun to think you might get busted in the act. Fantasize that some impossibly hot chick out for a late night jog might stumble on the two of you going at it on the park bench and get so turned on she starts working herself over like Kim Bassinger in 9 and 1/2 Weeks. Or join in.
Problem No. 1:
Somebody is watching. Intently. And he's holding a camera phone.
Problem No. 1:
Do I need to tell you what's in his other hand?
The "Blumpie"
Some guys have high pressure careers - always on the phone, on the run, jumping from one deal to the next. We like a good "constitutional," and we like oral sex, but there just isn't time for both. We need to multi-task. And really, when you stop to think about it, what's more satisfying than a blow job on the toilet?
I know, I know... I'm tempted to think it's just myth myself - that the Blumpie only exists in folklore, like the "Rusty Trombone," "Cleveland Steamer" and the legendarily over-referenced "Dirty Sanchez." Still, I know, somewhere, somehow, it happens.
Problem No. 1:
You have to pay for the whole hour anyway.
Problem No. 2:
She's starting to go through heroin withdrawal.
Really Big Bonus Problem:
The motel room's in your name.
MFM
Ever wonder what some of your best friends look like having sex? Wanted them to see you having sex? Of course you have. You're sitting there, playing video games with a buddy and suddenly you start thinking, How cool would it be if Bob and I watched each other having sex? But you can't just ask him, "Hey, Bob, I was wondering, would you mind if I watched you fuck your girlfriend later? Then maybe you could watch me fuck mine." No, the only one way to do that without landing in therapy - or getting a black eye - is a threesome, MFM.
Problem No. 1:
Too many high fives.
Problem No. 2:
You realize you're high-fiving the girl.
The "Philadelphia Lawyer" (a slang term for smoove-talking ambulance chasers and billable hour slaves) is the mind behind Philalawyer.net. He has a book coming out discussing the types of vexing issues raised in this essay, along with 3524 reasons friends don't let friends go to law school. And a bunch of stuff about laughing gas. It's titled Happy Hour is For Amateurs, A Lost Decade in the World's Worst Profession. You can order a copy here.
