The 6 Most Obnoxious (And Unavoidable) Facebook Groups
When Facebook emerged on the scene in early 2004, it was the plucky young challenger to big bad MySpace. Over time, Facebook has risen to dominance by offering its users a far longer list of ways to annoy their friends to the point of physical violence.
The worst of the annoyance techniques has to be the copious and utterly pointless group invites which come standard with any account. You may recognize them as...
Facebook's Latest Feature has been Sent to Destroy Us!
Why You Invited Us:
Human beings thrive on familiarity. It's a big warm blanket in a cold, scary world. We've been using the Facebook we know and love for years, and now they went and changed it! Join this group to force them to change it back and keep it that way forever!
Why We Unfriended You:
For starters, you haven't been using Facebook as you now know it for years. It has evolved constantly in that time, and each innovation has been treated as a crisis, causing the community to descend on Mark Zuckerberg's e-house like it was Frankenstein's mansion.
Or, at least, to swear to never use Facebook again.
Of course, you came to accept all those changes with time, maybe even came to enjoy some of them. But more importantly from Facebook's point of view, you're not going anywhere and they know it.
So for the seven people from this group that actually do stop using Facebook, there will be 100,000 new profiles created... today.
If 1,000,000 People Join this Group, I Will Do Something Wacky
Why You Invited Us:
The whole internet social networking phenomenon came about thanks to modern man's almost pathological need for attention. Also, among Facebook users there is still a large demographic of college-age males who will risk life and limb just to finally get someone to look at them.
"A million members and I'm gonna drink this semen!"
Why We Unfriended You:
First of all, we're probably not getting this invite from the actual guy offering to do the stunt. No, far more likely, it's coming from somebody else, spreading the gospel of Billy: The guy who will fuck a goat. We guess everybody needs something to believe in.
"999,999 people joined. Holy shit this is on. This is so on."
Now, we admit we're mildly amused by the thought of a guy whose parents are spending thousands of dollars on his education say, setting fire to his grundle hair at the urging of enough strangers.
But we all know that none of these groups actually end with the stunt being performed. Our attention whore who started the whole thing knew he'd never hit that ludicrous target and was just hoping to get an "Oh, you're so silly," and a good-natured pat from the cute girl down the hall he's too scared to actually start a real conversation with.
"Here, take my card. I almost drank semen."
But even if he was willing, it's still asking us to earn our internet entertainment. Handing out Facebook invites isn't a lot of effort, granted, but it sure is a lot less to just click on over to thousands of existing videos on YouTube of dudes trying to ramp their dirtbike off the roof of their house.
That's the way it should work; you put out the effort, then we decide if you're worth the attention. Now grab the peanut butter and the camera, and climb into the lion's cage. How else will you ever get people to like you?
Join this Group to Fight
Why You Invited Us:
The world we live in today is filled with bad things. You might have heard about this on the news. So when a little invitation pops up for a group preaching awareness and compassion over the latest horror to inflict itself on humanity, it feels good to click "Accept." Inviting others to do the same feels even better.
You're part of the solution.
"I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna save Africa."
Why We Unfriended You:
No, you're not.
"I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna watch Gossip Girl on Hulu.
While there are people out there who put in huge amounts of their spare time and energy for these causes, there are far more whose commitment to Darfur ends at "Send Invitations."
It's not helping. It's the opposite. It's what people do to alleviate the guilt of not helping while continuing to not help. Once you've sent the invite on to enough people to feel like you've done your good deed, you move on to drawing penises on your friends' graffiti walls.
It's like the social networking version of Live Earth. How many of the people in attendance were there because they wanted to save the environment, and how many were simply jumping at the opportunity to look like they cared while seeing top musicians for free (or in some cases the opportunity to be baked enough to pretend they weren't watching Akon gyrating with no shirt on)?
And if you do decide to get up and actually donate to a good cause, please, please don't start one of these...
For Every 1,000 People That Join, I Will Donate
Why You Invited Us:
From our point of view, it's similar to the group above: a form of charity that doesn't actually cost us anything. Only this time actual money is involved. Maybe.
Simply by clicking accept, and maybe bringing a few friends along for the ride, we have the chance to be a part of somebody else's money going to a good cause. So that's an improvement, right?
Why We Unfriended You:
Wait a second! Why can't you just quietly donate, as millions of people do every day? Why do you have to hold your donation for ransom until the world pays you enough attention?
Can't you perform an act of generosity without dragging the attention-hungry asshole side of your personality into it? Who are you, Bono?
For the sake of optimism, we'll assume the group's creator will follow through on their promise to some degree, which is in itself a big leap of faith. Take a gander at some of these groups when they actually catch on. Smart money says you'll find backpedaling not seen since you bet the neighborhood dumbass he could bike up Dead Man's Hill.
But even for the ones who follow through, when you feel the need to announce your good deed to thousands of strangers so that they can marvel at what a great person you are, it's no longer charity. It's PR. You're paying a fee to buy a slice of positive public opinion.
Yes, at heart it winds up being the same attention grab as our Jackass stuntman up there. Sure, the end results are far, far better than a shaved ass or a singed eyebrow or two. But whittled down to pure motivation for creating the group, what do you find? Another dude hoping to impress the people he barely knows, and maybe get laid as a result.
Let's Create the Biggest Facebook Group Ever
Why You Invited Us:
Because we're looking at a once in the lifetime opportunity here. After all, there are millions and millions of profiles on Facebook, and the number's growing every day. It's easy for somebody to get lost among the masses, but how many people can claim to be a part of the biggest Facebook group ever created?
Well, if the group were to actually succeed, several million, but that's beside the point because the guy who started this one talked to Guinness and they're totally going to put us in their book you guys!
Why We Unfriended You:
First of all, your plan sucks. There's a reason neither presidential candidate chose the slogan, "If enough people vote for me I'll totally be President you guys!" These groups skip the part where they give the millions of people needed a reason to join. Well, beyond the prestige of appearing in the pages of Guinness alongside the world's oldest stripper.
More importantly, we've been studying up on the dictionary, and it turns out there can only be one largest group on Facebook. And since there are already an annoying number groups using this strategy, odds are, your group will fizzle out and die long before it reaches its lofty mark. Such as this one:
Which is desperately climbing the group size ladder, currently nestled between a group dedicated to a non-speaking film character and one for racist Eagle fans.
Groups Against Groups
Why You Invited Us:
You share our disdain for pointless Facebook groups, but have difficulty grasping the difference between irony and simply being part of the problem.
Why We Unfriended You:
Because these are the worst groups on this list. By making fun of people that make the previous groups via yet another group, the people responsible are getting the same little "Look at me!" high the creators of the others do while still clogging up the Facebook world with needless group invites.
By sending us the invite you are asking us to reward their creators for being just as attention-hungry as the people they pretend to be better than. Hell, at least the Jackass-impersonators are creative in their goals.
That's the first five results that came up when we searched for "1,000 nothing." When the guy that took the time to incorporate a smiley is at the forefront of the group's creativity, you're doing something horribly, horribly wrong.
And if your intent behind spreading the word of the do-nothing groups is genuinely to show the folly of trying to change the world through Facebook groups, we have to ask you to take a step back and examine what the group you're inviting us to is trying to say. Go ahead and take a minute, we'll just be over here looking at those humorous pictures of people ironing their clothes in daring situations.
When not writing for Cracked or drawing penises on his friends' graffiti walls, Bobby writes for his blog.
If you liked that, read up on the 10 People From Your Past Who Will Haunt You On Facebook. Or find out why none of this would be a problem if they'd just follow The 10 Commandments of Facebook.
