The 8 Most Obnoxious Internet Commenters
Under every video on YouTube or Break, and under every story on Digg or even right here on Cracked, there is a mini-culture that forms down in the comment section. The hit-and-run nature of the comments means it's fertile ground for some really annoying personalities to thrive.
These are the eight commenter personality types you'd most like to avoid, but can't because they're freaking everywhere.
The Non-Believer
Typical Comment
"FAKE! Did you see how that guy exploded just BEFORE he hit the tree. Fake, don't waste my time."
Who Are They?
They like to think of themselves as the jaded skeptic in a world full of gullible sheeple, determined to be a flickering light of truth in a dark internet full of lies and fake viral videos. "No one could really fart on a birthday cake that way!"
Why We Hate Them:
The guys we're talking about here are the knee-jerk skeptics, the ones who take it too far. They have an automatic reaction to call "fake" on pretty much any video that shows anything remotely remarkable happening. They're not doing it in some grand quest for truth, they just want to feel smarter than the room and generally suck all of the wonder out of the world.
This is the internet, if we want to believe some dudes can catch sunglasses on their face like that, who are they to take that from us, dammit!
Actual Examples:
The Macho Man
Typical Comment:
"Holy shit!!!!!! That was fukin awsome! but IF that guy did that to me id kill him fuk"
Who Are They?
We think this guy is the same 'roid-monkey, blond-haired, fake tan, lip-pouting douche bag who made your high school life hell. He is the same guy who would have called you "dweeb" if you lived in a 1980's teen movie, but it is more likely that he called you "fucker" and pooped on your porch after egging your house.
Why We Hate Them:
This guy shows up commenting on any video or news story that involves a fist fight or confrontation. He's quick to remind us of what a badass he is in the real world, and is quick to make physical threats ("You want to come to Jersey and say that to my face??!?!?!").
After spending his formative years settling disputes on high school football fields, he's desperate to be the same kind of bully online he is in the real world. But he's found himself in a strange realm where huge biceps don't seem to count for anything, and is having a tough time making the adjustment.
No, you can't punch people over an internet connection, Macho Man. We've tried it.
Actual Examples:
The Great Defender
Typical Comment:
"I'd like to see you do any better. What have you ever done with your life? Stop judging people and let everyone be who they want to be because, in the end, isn't that what life is all about?"
(NOTE: This comment is usually followed by someone replying with a shatteringly eloquent: FAG!)
Who Are They?
The Great Defender sees himself or herself as a moral crusader, like a cross between Batman and Jesus. In reality they are more like a cross between Jeremy Piven and that annoying girl who always feels the need to inject herself into every conversation, at least long enough to let you know she holds the moral high ground.
Why We Hate Them:
Much like the Non-Believer up there, it's the knee-jerk nature of the Great Defender that's so annoying. You can have a YouTube video of a group of neo-Nazis shooting puppies out of a cannon, and the Great Defender will jump in with, "Wow you have to wonder what kind of trauma these guys had growing up that caused them to be so misguided. Some of you are so quick to judge."
That, or they may chime in with the much more annoying, "There are millions of starving children in the world, and you guys are getting worked up over some puppies?"
That seems to be the Great Defender's favorite weapon, which works on the premise that we're not allowed to get mad at anything as long as something worse is going on elsewhere.
You know what? If we want to be outraged, let us. That's why we watch those videos, it makes us feel better about ourselves. Sure, we may have stolen some movies off Bittorrent, but at least we didn't fire puppies out of a cannon while we were doing it.
Actual Examples:
Mr. Science
Typical Comment:
"I think you'll find that when you mix pure Hydrogen with Oxygen you don't produce water (2H2O) as would be expected, you, in fact, create an explosion. So it is perfectly normal that this video shows an explosion during the attempted grafting of Helium (He) and Sodium (Na)."
Who Are They?
This guy knows everything about the laws that govern the known universe, even the stuff science hasn't figured out yet. He has an education, works in a lab (or claims to) and has devoted his extraordinary gifts to telling strangers on the internet that they are wrong.
Why We Hate Them:
This guy is the brainiac version of the Macho Man. His goal is not to inform others, but just to make it clear that he knows way, way more than them. This is the guy who stops an entire game of poker because you didn't "burn" the top card before the river."
There's of course a reason this guy is hanging out on YouTube instead of some forum full of other professionals. He gets off on being right so much that he actively seeks out the company of people who are chronically wrong.
He seems to be wholly unaware that showing up in the comments section under some retarded YouTube video is about as impressive as challenging a room full of kindergartners to a fight. Winning is almost as bad as losing.
Actual Examples:
Hitler's Apprentice
Typical Comment:
"Damn spic, send him back to mexico!"
(NOTE: This is usually posted in a video about Mexicans actually in Mexico.)
Who Are They?
If you need to be told, then you are probably him. He's white, suburban, middle-class, and the only time he's been to the inner city was when Mom and Dad's SUV took a wrong turn in Atlanta because the GPS malfunctioned.
Why We Hate Them:
The internet has done wonders for racism. This guy probably never utters a racist word out in the real world, but once he can hide behind an avatar on the internet... BAM! Mr. KKK the Nazi Loving Aryan Prince rears his ugly head.
If the video or story or photo has a black person in it, this guy will be there unleashing all of the racial epitaphs he's been forced to bottle up while in polite society.
There is also a second tier of these guys who are slightly more educated, in the sense that they have memorized half a dozen highly suspect statistics that support their racism ("Blacks have smaller brains. It's not racist, it's true.") They don't mind that their views on race would have seemed old-fashioned about 40 years ago. They tell themselves they do it for the humor and shock value, which isn't much better since those jokes stopped being funny or shocking about 39 years ago.
Actual Examples:
The Ninja
Typical Comment:
"your a fag"
Who Are They?
This commenter is in and out in a flash, they will usually only post one comment, no more no less, just enough to get the job done. The ninja will lay in wait while some comment section argument rages. Then, just as everyone has stopped caring whether or not the new Harry Potter trailer looks stupid, the ninja will strike with such grace and precision that it will devastate everyone who stumbles across his comment, forever changing their lives.
Why We Hate Them:
Their style of drive-by insult is the sort of thing you can't get away with in real life, where shit-stirrers can get called out and often beaten. We can only imagine that he is sitting at home rubbing his hands, glowing in his accomplishment as he watches replies pile up for hours under a cheap insult it took him four seconds to type.
He sees himself as the internet equivalent of the Joker, spreading chaos for chaos' sake. He laughs maniacally towards the heavens, before breaking into a coughing fit and reaching for his asthma inhaler.
Actual Examples:
The Political Activist
Typical Comment:
"How can you guys sit here and watch a video about two girls pooping into a cup when America is being turned into a Fascist police state?"
Who Are They?
These are almost always college kids who, in the last few months, have begun reading about politics. Unfortunately, all of their reading comes from inflammatory blogs and YouTube videos with techno background music and scary titles.
These guys have just now figured out that--gasp--there is corruption in politics, and now they're storming into every comment box they can find with guns blazing, ready to inform the rest of us about how the world really works.
Why We Hate Them:
Aside from the fact that these people have basically no real education on the topic, grossly exaggerate every issue and cling to every single conspiracy theory that comes along, they are by far the most in-your-face of all of the personalities on this list.
We almost wouldn't mind them if they aimed their comments at videos and articles that actually have something to do with politics. But these guys will inject their love for their favorite politician (ie, Ron Paul) under a YouTube video of a toddler on a trampoline. The only thing that makes us feel better is knowing most of them aren't old enough to vote.
Actual Example:
Posted after a video about one guy sucker punching another guy in a McDonalds.
The Bot
Typical Comment:
"That video was FUNNY!!! For more funny videos visit www.fakesite.com/vn/TrojanHorseVirus.rar"
Who Are They?
"They" are not real, they are usually a computer that searches websites and creates fake accounts to post ads about bullshit websites that are often so riddled with spyware that even the pop-ups are enough to shoot sparks and hunks of melted plastic out of your PC.
Why We Hate Them:
Aside from the obvious (that we wanted funny videos but instead we got shit load of midget porn spam and became the 10,000,001th victim of identity theft) there's the fact that these aren't always computer programs. Often they're employees who spend all day manually signing up to websites to post their spam. Regular Bots may screw up our computer. But the idea of humans that do this for a living is just depressing.
The thing is, it's even worse than the most annoying legitimate advertising, because these spammers don't even intend for you to click the link. They're just pasting in code because it helps their search engine rankings (you rank higher on Google when your URL appears on lots of other sites). That's why instead of some kind of enticing link to a product (which, hell, we might even enjoy, who knows) you often get a jumbled bunch of meaningless code meant purely to fool a search engine.
Actual Examples:
See the below comment section for more examples.
And if you want to see how it all got started, check out The Insane True Story Behind the Birth of the Internet from Those Aren't Muskets.
