MI-6 to CIA: 5 Top Secret Agencies (Who Want to Hire You)
Did you dream of growing up to be James Bond when you were a kid? Are you still dreaming of it?
Well, lucky for you, becoming a spy doesn't involve getting thrown into a van with a blindfold and driven into an underground headquarters where you're waterboarded until you swear loyalty. No, you can just apply for it online, like any other job.
Let's take a look at your choices before you start your career as a lethal, tuxedo-wearing sex machine:
MI 6
To Apply:
Of course we start here, with the organization that pays for James Bond's poison dart-firing wristwatches. The foundation for The Secret Intelligence Service began in 1909, when monocled gentlemen needed to keep tabs on an increasingly hostile Germany. And while Bond probably got his job by making his way through some kind of obstacle course where he had to kill a bunch of dudes, today you can just apply via the careers section of the MI 6 website.
Provided you're British, all you have to do is fill out this quick and easy form and you're on your way to telling women just exactly how to make your martinis.
What You'll Be Doing:
You know, driving an Astin Martin, banging women with sexually suggestive names. Oh, and maybe taking part in a propaganda campaign to drum up support for a war. It was MI 6 who implemented Operation Mass Appeal in the years before the invasion of Iraq, planting stories in the news media to play up the threat from Saddam.
That might cause some disillusionment for those of us whose heads are filled with visions of gold-painted women and cat-stroking nemeses, realizing that our hours spent practicing precision coin-flips into the beam of a crotch-searing laser were all for nothing. That feeling may pass when you find out that "Q" was apparently based on a real person. Just show us to our invisible car, baby!
The National Clandestine Service
To Apply:
The USA's National Clandestine Service is a new branch of the CIA that was officially announced in October of 2005, so you can really get in on the ground floor of this one. They've been eagerly searching for new recruits. Perhaps you've seen the ads on cable.
That's right. The NCS is apparently looking for the average Joe Dirtbiker to serve in a covert group of government spies. According to the ad, it doesn't take much to make the cut. Are you a curious, purposeful patriot? Do the ads for DeVry look like too much reading, and not enough purposeful walking? Then sign on up, brother and we'll have you sitting in a nondescript pizza delivery van outside of Reverend Farrakhan's funeral in no time.
But the CIA isn't only trolling the fertile waters of late night cable audiences. They have a Facebook page too. Astonishingly, the group only has three friends, or at least three friends that you can see.
What You'll Be Doing:
Your new job as an NCS employee may include sexy missions like destroying video tapes depicting Americans "harshly interrogating" prisoners. And if you're really good, you may wind up in the Special Activities Division, sometimes referred to as "The Division of Blowing Shit Up."
They're looking for experts in parachuting, small arms, explosives and hanging off the bottom of helicopters. We believe the first question on the application is, "If you wind up in a life or death situation, and we at the agency disavow your existence, will you try to hunt us down? Y/N (circle one)."
Australian Secret Intelligence Service
To Apply:
We're not quite sure how and why Australia has an intelligence agency, but the fact that we've never heard of them proves they're doing something right. The ASIS recently took a break from not existing to seek out dungareed bruces to serve in their group of international spies through their website.
What You'll Be Doing:
Maybe nothing. We honestly can't think of a better job than a kangaroo-wresting survivalist with awesome charisma who gets a big paycheck from the government. And besides, who in the world would think that anyone who drinks Fosters could possibly be a spy?
The ASIS is not above dirty business, they just conduct it in lovable Australian fashion. For instance they decided to do a hostage extraction training exercise at the busy Melbourne Sheraton Hotel without bothering to tell anyone at the hotel it was a training exercise.
ASIS Deputy Director Dundee
They charged in, bashing down a door with a sledgehammer, brandishing weapons and shouting at everyone in their hilarious accents. They also allegedly racked up a sizeable bill for raiding the hotel room's mini-bar.
To save you the trouble of scrolling back up, here's where you can apply through their website.
If you think Australia is the most unexpected country to field a fleet of top secret assassins, you've probably never heard of the Canadian Security Intelligence Service. Laugh if you want, but the stock photo from their website dispels any doubt that Canadian Espionage is a very serious, and very sexy job.
"So top secret we don't even have desks."
National Security Agency
To Apply:
The NSA began under dubious circumstances in the late 40s-early 50s as an intelligence agency under the umbrella of the Dept. of Defense. Their job now is to pretty much monitor radio, phone, and um, internet communications of questionable individuals. And by that we're pretty sure they mean "everyone."
But, despite the fact that cryptology is a notoriously harsh branch of mathematics and computer science, the NSA website doesn't shy away from recruiting on the internet, maybe hoping there's some young Will Hunting out there, working as a janitor and solving complex equations in his spare time.
What You'll Be Doing:
Look, cryptology is hard. Really hard. And despite the fact that this fine website boasts the brightest and best minds of North America, we can't seem to get past King Vitamin's maze on the back of his cereal box. Why on earth would a job as complex and mentally exhausting as cryptology advertise itself to the average web surfing 4Chan addict?
They're currently reading about you reading this article.
Well, if you think about it, the NSA may have quite a bit to offer the angsty young man who spends his time trying to figure out how to hack into your MySpace page. Unless you've been living under a rock for past few years (And perhaps you have. Who are we to judge?) you have an inkling that the NSA has been up to less than legal dealings when it comes to things like warrantless surveillance. So who knows, maybe they need somebody who can simultaneously intercept Al Qaeda's encrypted emails and replace their Facebook profile with gay porn.
Israeli Mossad
To Apply:
The intelligence agency of Israel has been around since 1938, when a group of people decided to start smuggling Jews into Palestine. So unless you want your murdered body paraded through the streets by people who literally believe that you're Satan, Mossad agents are well advised to play things close to the vest. Their Human Resources department, on the other hand, employs a snazzy website to tell you all about what Mossad can do for you. Apparently they think that the Hebrew Jason Bourne is out on the internet, just a mouse click away.
What You'll Be Doing:
Have you ever seen the movie Munich? When terrorists attacked the Israeli Olympic athletes in 1972, Mossad spend the next 20 damned years hunting down the people responsible--and some who weren't--slaughtering each in new, more interesting ways like a two decade long slasher flick.
So in the course of your employment with Mossad, it's probably a good idea not to piss them off.
Vividly demonstrating this point is Robert Maxwell, a lovable old coot who "fell" off of his boat while it was near the Canary Islands. You see, shortly before his death, Maxwell was outed as a former Mossad agent and there were rumors he was trying to blackmail the agency.
Accidental drowning? Suicide? Assassination? That will probably be one of the questions they'll ask you during the first interview, and the correct answer is, "They'll never know, will they?"
Find out the true story behind one man who probably thought he worked for all five of those agencies in The Schwarzenegger Conspiracy: Deadliest Cover Up Ever.
