Sex Over the Phone: An Analysis

Every Saturday, Cracked asks one of our favorite sites on the web to fill in for us. Our readers get to learn about an awesome site, and we get to take a day off to build a mechanized suit to fight crime. Today's guest feature is from ScenicAnemia.com, a frequent hangout of Adam Brown and several Cracked contributors.

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First, take a moment to absorb the following video, for the track "Sex Over the Phone":

The Village People came to prominence in the disco scene of the '70s on a wave of huge novelty hits and gay pride. And they haven't stopped riding that wave since.

1979

Today

But what if everything we knew about the Village People was but a mere facade? What if all that lip hair and leather was just a costume meant to trick an unsuspecting populace into buying Village People records at an alarming rate for a little while there in 1979, and then much less frequently after that?

In the above shocking video footage provided to us by sources at Google and YouTube, the famously homosexual members of the Village People are seen cavorting with what appear to be members of the opposite sex. Yes, you read that correctly. The Village People. With women.

So, have we been fooled all these years? Could it be that all those lyrics about dancing and being yourself and seamen were all a front? Are we ready to accept the possibility that all this time, the biker, the army man and maybe even the policeman have been secretly lusting for the ladies? I hate to believe it, but the evidence is damning.

The video, which runs just under four minutes in length, starts off with plenty of the flamboyant energy you'd expect from the Village People, seen here strutting their fabulous dance moves on the set of the movie Tron.

Looks gay enough to me. As the video progresses, the guys are seen in various states of dude loving and just basically doing the kind of stuff you'd expect the Village People to do all day. Like this ...

And this ...

And this ...

There's also a huge army phone ...

Nice. But then, somewhere around the 2:30 mark, the camera captures a glimpse of what our team of researchers have concluded is, in fact, probably a chick. I've provided a screen shot of the incriminating footage.

Even more damning, later in the video we see this shot ...

Oh, I know that ain't no girl on the phone! Tell me they ain't got a girl on the phone!

Look, before you go criticizing, understand this ... I like the ladies, too. I have no problem with a guy picking up the ol' landline to find some tail. But that doesn't change one simple fact: I keeps it real. And I say, if you're going to build a career on gay pride, don't go frolicking with the harlots just because you have a military surplus phone handy and you think the cameras have stopped rolling. But maybe that's just me and my weird sense of disco integrity.

So now it's up to you, the reader. Are the Village People gay icons or heterosexual skank-chasing frauds who've been living a lie for 30 years? Again, here's the video. Decide for yourself.

Adam hosts a podcast called Unpopular Opinion that you should check out right here. You should also be his friend on Twitter, Facebook and Tumblr.