The 10 Most Terrifying Guides to Sex

10 The ToyBag Guide to Erotic Knifeplay

The Book Says:

"A shiny blade against smooth soft skin is terrifying, of course, but for many people also highly erotic."

Reviews Say:

"This was an amazing read, and it really got me thinking about lots of new and fun play ideas."

We Say:

We're assuming that "erotic knifeplay" is like that scene in The Animatrix where the couple slash each other's clothes off with swords. We're thinking this is one of many things that looks like fun in a cartoon, but should probably be avoided in real life.

So on that count, we have mixed feelings about The ToyBag Guide to Erotic Knifeplay. On one hand, we don't like the idea of a book legitimizing the whole knife-sex thing. On the other hand, if you're going to start practicing a sex act where you whip out both your dong and a razor sharp blade at the same time, you better damned well study up on how to do it right.

9 Sex in the Golden Years

The Book Says:

"Now that more people are living to be 70, 80, 90 and 100, research shows quite clearly that sex is as important as ever."

Reviews Say:

"Our sex life has truly changed and is now the best we've ever had - even though we are both in our early seventies!"

We Say:

The above quote scares the shit out of us. If the best sex you've ever had is in your 70s, you may have ruined your life somehow.

Now, understand, being the lovers of freedom and individual rights that we are, we're not suggesting senior citizens shouldn't have sex. We're just suggesting it never be talked about or acknowledged openly in any way whatsoever because it horrifies us.

Now picture them porking.

Horrifies us like watching Satan kill Santa Claus, then burning down Disneyland while drinking the last beer ever. But apparently that feeling isn't held by a small, but determined population of internet porn shoppers and the authors of this book who figured people who had most likely been having sex for seven decades now need a guide on how to do it.

8 Paying for Sex: The Gentlemen's Guide to Web Porn, Strip Clubs, Prostitutes & Escorts -- Without Humiliation, Job Loss, Bankruptcy, Infection, Bloodshed or Incarceration

The Book Says:

"How to buy great online porn, have a naked stripper gyrating in your lap or get laid by an erotic professional without putting your life, wallet or reputation at risk."

Reviews Say:

"... It's a guide for being a faceless sexually frustrated man."

We Say:

While this book promises to show you how to buy porn online, get a stripper in your lap and engage in nefarious acts with an "erotic professional" which we think means either Dr. Drew or a hooker, we're pretty sure we know how to pull off all three of those things, minus the Dr. Drew part.

Pay for it: Pay for porn, pay the stripper, pay the hooker. Look, that's nine words. This guy's book is 134 pages. We win.

Based on reader reviews the book actually doesn't offer anything more complicated than that as advice, beyond using a fake name. All of which makes us wonder what manner of sad, shameful individual is sitting at home thinking, "How do I buy porn online?" and, after wracking their brain for some manner of succor and coming up with the porn goose egg decides to order this book. Which in turn begs the question: How did they know how to order this book if they can't piece together how to order porn?

7 Va-Va-Voodoo: Find Love, Make Love & Keep Love

The Book Says:

"You'll meet a few of Voodoo's most helpful spirits in matters of love and happiness-Erzulie, Ogoun, La Sirene, Baron, and Legba--and learn how to work with their energy to attract a lover, find 'the one,' keep a relationship steamy, or recover from heartbreak."

Reviews Say:

"I was pleasantly surprised to find a range of magical techniques that would be useful to women (and men!) in a variety of love situations."

We Say:

Voodoo--the loosely organized set of beliefs best known to Western culture as involving chicken blood and tiny dolls you poke with pins--is about as unsexy as your average slaughterhouse visit.

Hot.

But all that aside, we're thinking affection born from some magic spell you created with the head of a chicken and the blood of a virgin goat isn't the most promising foundation for a healthy sex life.

Also, if your relationship has decayed to the point where you find yourself perusing Amazon for a book to spice up your sex life, and Voodoo is the best option you can come up with, it may be time to move on.

6 The ToyBag Guide to Dungeon Emergencies and Supplies

The Book Says:

"An essential quick reference guide to minor and major emergencies that can take place during play--from scrapes to freakouts to fires--plus how to set up a cost-effective first aid kit and other emergency supplies for the sexually adventurous."

Reviews Say:

"The book's second (and largest section) deals with a wide range of BDSM emergencies, things like allergic reactions, burn care, bleeding, fainting, etc to 'personal emergencies,' like defusing arguments or emotional upsets, to what to do in case of a power failure or a visit by the authorities."

We Say:

These are some of the scariest scenarios we've ever imagined. Why did the authorities get called to your home? How the hell do you start a fire with sex?

Once again, we're not trying to judge: Even the best of us enjoys dressing up like the Thundercats and being fellated by the vacuum. But that rarely requires an emergency supply kit. If your sex does require an emergency supply kit, and ends up with someone passed out, covered in hives and bleeding while the fire department is kicking your door in, we humbly suggest you just seriously did something wrong. Like really wrong. Whatever you were doing, don't do it again. For the love of God, don't do it again.

This shouldn't happen.

Wait a second ... this appears to be written by the same people who published that book on erotic knifeplay. And now here's their guide to dealing with bedroom disasters. We're thinking they're playing both sides of the market here.

5 Make Your Own Sex Toys: 50 Quick and Easy Do-It-Yourself Projects

The Book Says:

"Ranging from the kinky to the cozy, these simple and budget-friendly toys can all be made from materials found at home, the hardware store, or the supermarket."

Reviews Say:

"I rather struggled with the hydraulic probe, but there was an intense burst of satisfaction on completion!"

We Say:

A This Old House approach to sex with the addition of foreign objects is probably best saved for only the most penny-pinching couples ... and even then, only if one of them is an absolute master craftsman. Approaching your lovers genitals with something you made yourself out of a bicycle pump, electrical tape and party balloons is a recipe for a hilarious story the emergency room staff will definitely retell later, again and again.

As a fun side note, the writer of this book also wrote a book called What Shat That?: A Pocket Guide To Poop Identity, meaning it may behoove you to think twice about following his directions in designing something meant to be inserted in your body.

4 More Family Jewels: Further Explorations in Male Genitorture

The Book Says:

"The word genitorture might bring some frightening images to mind, but in reality it is not always about pain. It can incorporate a full range of sensations from sensual to painful."

Reviews Say:

"How many TV shows and movies tantalize us with the exciting threat? Everyone from James Bond to Jack Bauer has hooked our viewing to scenes of men getting their privates worked over."

We Say:

Genitorture is a word that only exists in dictionaries found in the bowels of Hell.

Also, we're not at all comforted by the book's assertion that it's not always about pain. As soon as you start throwing around a word that combines "genital" and "torture," we don't hear anything else you have to say. We're too busy crossing our legs and avoiding anything that looks like an alligator clamp.

Somewhat more unsettling than the very premise of the book is the reviewer's reaction to filmed torture scenes which are meant to demonstrate some seriously awful, crippling, horrifying shit.

The kind of people who get turned on watching James Bond have his nuts mashed into paste at the end of Casino Royale are the kinds of people who give innocent perverts like furries and adult babies a bad name.

3 How to be the Best Lover: A Guide for Teenage Boys

The Book Says:

"Best Lover introduces teenagers to the heart of relationships--not shying away from telling them about oral sex or making love ..."

Reviews Say:

"I purchased the book online and read it immediately. I have since insisted that my husband read it, all three of my daughters have read it, and it has since moved on to the boys they are involved with."

We Say:

What teenage boy doesn't want to learn about sex? Now what teenage boy doesn't want this man to teach them to be the best lover?

Those two questions have distinctly different answers.

A sex guide for teens isn't inherently odd. But there's something unsettling about proclaiming your sex guide will turn the 14-year-old boys of the world into the best lovers ever, which up until this point has been one of those nefarious NAMBLA goals most people don't discuss in polite company, or outside of the special wing of the prison in which they're held.

Sure, you're setting them up to peak awfully early. But mostly you're just being creepy. The realm of creep has expanded in the hands of readers, like the reviewer, who apparently hands this book to their daughters' potential boyfriends as something of a how-to guide in pleasing them, something you really don't want to discuss with your girlfriend's mom unless you're living in a porno.

2 Intimate Invasion: The Erotic Ins & Outs of Enema Play

The Book Says:

"Author and experienced practitioner M. R. Strict addresses issues of psychology, physiology, and personal safety with regard of using enemas for foreplay."

Reviews Say:

"There are two kinds of enema lovers--those who find enemas erotic in a regressive/submissive setting, and those who eschew such settings in favor of purely 'cleansing' or 'erotic' activities."

We Say:

Apparently there's no end to the things someone is willing to write a how-to book about, even topics that are generally covered in the "directions" panel on the sides of enema packages the world over.

Somehow the author of this book took that information, which we assume amounts to "squirt this thing in your ass" and stretched it to 144 pages.

It's possible those extra 143 and 4/5 pages are filled with the eroticism promised in the title, tips like telling your lover how positively glowing they look as you fill their anal cavity with Fanta or whatever passes for a sexy enema elixir these days. Or maybe doing it on a bed of rose petals and a sensual tarp to manage any overflow.

Or maybe they added a subplot about diamond smugglers or something, we really don't care what's on the rest of the pages as long as it's not pictures.

1 A Hand in the Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting

The Book Says:

"This long-awaited guide by Deborah Addington has been approved by three fisting-positive physicians."

Reviews Say:

"I would say this is a great book for details regarding how to put one's whole hand into a vagina."

We Say:

How many patients do you think those three fisting-positive physicians see in the average day? Were there any additional fisting-positive physicians who did not approve of this book? Like how in toothpaste commercials only 4 out of 5 dentists agree that Crest is best for preventing cavities. Is it possible there's a mystery fourth fisting-positive physician out there who read this book and just couldn't in good conscience lend his support to it and is biding his time until a book on fisting comes out that meets his exceedingly high standards?

Not that it matters, as the review provided by an enthusiast who assures us he's "super into fisting" pretty much cuts to the heart of the matter and confirms this book indeed explains how to get one's hand into a vagina. And we suppose it's better that people discover how from this book rather than, say, as the result of a very awkward accident.

Find more of Ian's stuff at ScenicAnemia.com.