James Bond Boozing: 10 Amazing Flasks for Undercover Drunks
Your average hip flask has always been the gold standard of getting drunk in public: It's convenient, discreet and there's a certain class to it.
Nevertheless, companies sometimes mess with the perfection of the common flask by tacking liquor reservoirs onto all sorts of accessories and accouterments. Thanks to the following products, you too can live the dream of becoming an alcoholic version of James Bond.
The Sippin Seat
With the rising prices of gas and food, many baseball fans will see their stadium beer fund run out by the All-Star Game. With the help of the Sippin Seat, thriftier fans can now enjoy the great American pastime of getting wasted in a concrete coliseum with 40,000 total strangers.
The Problem:
The Sippin Seat ranks so low on our list since it's actually a pretty handy device. Still, when given the options of drinking 36 oz. of ass-warmed lager on a July afternoon or shelling out $12.50 for two cold Heinekens, we might just splurge.
The Camera Flask
Pretend to capture precious memories with this flask. Unbeknownst to all, you'll actually be destroying your memories with this shiny key to Blackout City.
The Problem:
For real, this flask doesn't even try. Unlike real cameras, this thing's made out of pewter, and saying you're King Midas' less fortunate younger brother won't convince stadium security.
The Brandy Smuggler Cane
A shillelagh designed to get you shitfaced, this cane is perfect for drinkers wishing to unleash their inner beer baron. Best of all, this flask will keep you standing upright long after you've guzzled your hidden shame.
The Problem:
The following people are the only ones who can carry the Brandy Smuggler Cane without looking like total jackasses:
1) Dolemite
2) Grandfathers
3) Dolemite's grandfather
The rest of us would look like extras from a Fred Astaire movie, which is the diametric opposite of the "grizzled drunk" persona you're likely attempting to cultivate.
The Barnoculars
Like real binoculars, frequent use of the Barnoculars will allow you to see the world with newfound clarity. Unlike real binoculars, frequent use of the Barnoculars will also result in rambling, comically misspelled text messages to your ex-girlfriend.
The Problem:
What these real-life beer goggles have in camouflage, they lack in overall practicality. The Barnoculars may be great for secretly getting hammered on bird watching expeditions, but the moment somebody sees you trying to use binoculars by pressing them to your mouth, you'll lose even more respect from your peers than if you just got it over with and told them you were an alcoholic.
The Golf Klub Kooler
Hit the links, hit the drinks! The creators of this Thermos deserve a MacArthur Genius Grant for inventing the impossible: a device that actually makes golf interesting.
The Problem:
You'll need a cup, which sort of defeats the point of being stealthy. Nursing the nectar from this nine iron will not only get you banned from the country club, it's also a surefire way to get your caddy to file a sexual harassment suit.
The Reef Dram Sandals
Do you like getting drunk on the beach? Do you live on a beach because you're drunk all time? Have you ever wondered what whiskey would taste like ... in a shoe?
If you answered "yes" to all of the above, then you are the primary demographic for the Reef Dram Sandals. May God have mercy on your soul.
The Problem:
If the idea of downing 1.5 oz. of bunion-roasted Jagermeister doesn't turn you off, maybe the fact that these shoes bear an eerie resemblance to Richard Reid's shoe bomb will.
Seriously, you know you have a drinking problem when even Homeland Security's worried about you.
The Keychain Flask
Apparently unable to market alcohol-filled driving gloves or fuzzy dice, they did the next best thing and came up with a way to attach liquor right to your car keys.
The Problem:
If you don't understand why alcohol-themed driving accessories are a bad idea, we'll just leave it up to the highway patrolman to explain it.
The Beer Belly
The Beer Belly stores a whopping 80 oz. in its stomach bladder. That's more than a six-pack of beer and enough grain alcohol to embalm a moose.
The Problem:
As we mentioned before, the beauty of the hip flask is it's covert. It's small, unassuming and no one will notice you're a budding dipsomaniac.
On the other hand, everyone will notice you with the Beer Belly since you'll totally gross people out with your morbidly localized and rapidly deflating fatness. Expect onlookers to assume you're either a pregnant man or have an alien growing out of your gut, and consequently ask why you're not being played by Arnold Schwarzenegger.
The Good Book Flask
The Good Book Flask is ideal for storing sacramental wine, sacramental beer, and sacramental Rumplemintz.
The Problem:
Nobody's going to buy that you're bringing an innocent Bible to the Yankees-Orioles doubleheader unless you're that guy who holds up the "John 3:16" sign behind home plate, and even he proved to be a rapscallion. A kidnapping, bomb-making rapscallion.
Also, the UPC for the Good Book Flask may later be redeemed for a one-way ticket to Hell.
The Wine Rack
Brought to you by the brain trust behind the Beer Belly, this device blesses you with literal jugs of wine (or tits of tequila).
The Problem:
The WineRack has the exact same flaws as the Beer Belly. Your cartoonishly-large sweater puppets will attract a lot of attention, first in a good way (when everyone ogles you) and then in a bad way (when someone calls the paramedics for your leaking breast implants).
OK, so maybe the Wine Rack's ingenuity fails to achieve 007-levels. But that's the beauty of the flask. By the time you've got a boob and a half of whiskey down your throat, you'll be able to convince yourself you're twice as sharp as Bond, even if you look more like Bob from Fight Club.
Frequent Cracked contributor Cyriaque Lamar's sci-fi political satire America 20XX will be performed at the 2008 New York International Fringe Festival from August 8 to 24 in lower Manhattan.
If those flasks looked at all useful to you, than you're probably no stranger to the concoctions in our look at The Nectar of the Broke: The World's 5 Worst Ways To Get Drunk. And don't forget to find out Who's Really Keeping Kids Off Drugs.
