The 10 Least Useful iPod Accessories Money Can Buy

10 iPond

Tired of normal iPod accessories that could connect to car radios, or make pretty flashing lights? Australian pet stores decided to make something new. Something innovative. Something ... alive.

For only $60, you too can own the iPond, an iPod speaker with a built-in aquarium that hosts a single Betta fish. It's about the size of ... well, about the size of an iPod, and the whole thing shakes the fish in time to the music. We are unable to confirm rumors that the same Australian pet stores started off selling bonsaiKitten accessories.

So what's the problem?
For some reason, the idea of trapping a fish in a chintzy aquarium the size of a deck of cards its whole life, then vibrating it with bad pop songs, has got animal rights activists up in arms. They argue that the tiny enclosure is 15 times too small for the fish, that it doesn't provide sufficient oxygen, and that the risk of suffering through hours of Good Charlotte's "music" is just too high.

Seriously, imagine being trapped in a tiny box, and some asshole makes the walls vibrate along to his music. It's like living the rest of your life in a college dorm room.

9 iPod Breathalyzer

In case you've always been too drunk to remember, a breathalyzer is the reason you wake up in jail after a night of heavy partying and erratic driving/neighborhood mailbox reduction. Once only available to law enforcement officials, anyone can now measure their blood alcohol content, at which point they'll drunkenly declare themselves fine to drive despite what it says.

The latest version connects to your iPod and is made available by David Steele Enterprises for only $50. But wait, there's more! This little gadget can also serve as an FM transmitter for your car radio.

So what's the problem?
How anti-social do you have to be to bring your iPod to the bar or a party with you? And how long do you think it'll take before you and your buddies start to use the breathalyzer to judge drinking competitions?

Still, more interesting to us than this product's potential for misuse is its vendor. David Steele seems to actually think that he's the Q to Steve Jobs' James Bond. Most of his website is used to sell hidden cameras and spy phones, but he seems to have been getting into iPod accessories recently. For example, he sells iPod video glasses, which we could probably make fun of if we wanted to, but which actually sound pretty damn cool (at least until the head-splitting migraines set in).

8 iBeam Flashlight and Laser pointer

Griffin Technology produces a broad range of accessories for the iPod. Many of them are actually quite useful, consisting mostly of a variety of cases and hardware to hook up your iPod to a radio. Then they ran out of ideas.

Thus, the iBeam will provide both a flashlight and a laser pointer attachment for your iPod for only $19.95.

So what's the problem?
Let's just assume that for some inexplicable reason, you end up stranded somewhere in the middle of the night, and the only thing you have with you is your iPod. Hey, stranger things have happened. What do you think the chances are that you'll also just happen to have that dumb little flashlight attachment that your friend gave you as a joke gift?

Furthermore, you already have your iPod, and to the best of our knowledge, there has never been an iPod invented that doesn't already come with a built in backlight. So, you use up your headphone jack (making it impossible to listen to music) to plug in the iBeam, which does what your iPod already does anyway. To be worth our 20 bucks, we're thinking the laser attachment better be able to cut through a pair of handcuffs, James Bond-style (which we think is what Mr. Steele from the previous entry would've done).

7 Bulletproof iPod Case

The story goes that a Japanese man had his iPod crushed against a handrail in the infamous Japanese subway system. He decided to do the world a favor and invent an iPod case that could withstand overly crowded commuter trains. Then he also made it able to withstand stray bullets. And we're pretty sure that he continued to make it Godzilla-proof.

So what's the problem?
Let us ask you a question: What do you like about your iPod? It's small size? It's sleek, sexy shape? Perhaps you like the way it can fit in your pocket without ripping through and sliding down your leg? Or the fact that people don't give you horrified, repulsed looks every time you pull it out? All of these benefits are lost when you use the Bulletproof iPod Case.

Though we admit it would make a nice blunt weapon if things should turn ugly.

6 iPod Bra/Panties

From hats to sneakers, lots of companies have made clothes you can plug your iPod into. We're not sure why you wouldn't just clip it to your belt like a proper, God-fearing human being, but at least all of them have a contrived sort of practicality to their design.

Then the Power Pouch Sports Bra and the iGroove iPod panties hit the scene. In case you've ever wanted to store your iPod in your underwear, want no more. The future is here, and it's stupid.

So what's the problem?
Do you know why evolution hasn't graced the kangaroo with a pouch that can support the iPod? Because that's retarded. The same thing goes for breasts. If mother nature doesn't want to mess up the beauty of the female form by slapping an awkward, boxy pouch over the most interesting part, then who the hell are we to argue?

As for the panties, we can't even imagine the scenario when this would come in handy. If you need your iPod on your person during hot sexy foreplay, then you should do like the rest of us and clench it between your butt cheeks.

5 iBuzz Two

This seems to be the second generation of iPod sex toy (of the kind we mentioned in a previous article). This "music activated sex toy for couples" as they call it lets you and your partner both plug in your earphones, your vibrating nodes, click on your DragonForce song list and enjoy the feeling of sexual stimulation without actually touching each other.

So what's the problem?
We have to admit, at first we didn't see one. The thought of two beautiful women in a passionate embrace, with the sound of Barry White playing in their ears was quite intriguing to us. (Hey, if they feel like they need to plug into sophisticated music technology to enjoy themselves, more power to them.)

Then someone pointed out to us that most of the people using this are not going to be lesbians. No, most of the people using this are going to be heterosexual couples. And if the male in that relationship neglects to use the strange plastic toys, there's only one place (we hope) that he can make use of his end of the vibrator.

We're not judging here. We're just saying you better label which end belongs to which partner.

4 SongThong

Didn't we just do the iPod for your panties a while back? Oh, wait. This is a pair of panties for your iPod.

Yes, for $4.95, you too can have this black leather thong that your iPod can wear. We don't really know what else to say.

So what's the problem?
Every single case or skin for the iPod has the same design. It protects the body from nicks and scratches while still allowing the user access to the click wheel and the screen. But somebody seemed to think that design was outdated, and thus the SongThong was born.

It denies access to the click wheel and obscures the screen, replacing function with the kind of pure, electronic fetishism that will surely lead to the downfall of civilization.

3 PodShave/PodShaveLady

Great for morons and camping enthusiasts, the PodShave and PodShaveLady are electric razor attachments that utilize your iPod's battery. It costs $41.05, and supposedly can both suck up your stubble as it shaves it off, and allow you to listen to your music as you shave.

So what's the problem?
Because it's an electric razor attachment for your iPod! Why the hell would you ever need this? There is absolutely no reason why you can't own a razor and an iPod and use them independently of each other. Then you would have to worry about the movement of the razor messing up the sound quality of the music (which it has been reported to do).

Good God, what's next, an iPod toilet pap ... oh, Goddamnit!

2 iPod Toilet Paper Holder

Atech Flash Technology decided that they wanted to bring more music into this world. After what must have been months of brainstorming on how to enact this poetic initiative, they came to their conclusion: an iPod you can listen to while taking a dump. Good job, guys.

Costing $99.95, the iCarta is basically exactly like any other number of iPod docks, except that this one has a built in toilet paper dispenser, and its speakers are waterproof.

So what's the problem?
Have you ever been sitting on your couch, and thought, "Oh my God, I really have to take crap, but I don't want to stop listening to this sweet Tears for Fears song"? Yeah, neither have we. As far as we can tell, that's pretty much the main reasons that Steve Jobs made the iPod so portable.

"But Mr. Cracked writer," you might respond in an urgent whisper. "I need music in the bathroom to cover the sounds of my messy bowel movements." We're not really sure what to say to that, except that you're weird for telling us, and that if the sound of your bowel movements is that big of a concern, you should probably just master the trick of a well-timed flush like the rest of us.

Still, the thing that weirds us out the most is that the iCarta advertises that its four speakers are waterproof. If you have a problem with the walls of your bathroom getting wet every time you take a dump, embarrassing noises are probably the least of your worries.

1 Rock My Teeth

Yes, that is a teeth-whitening system that hooks up to your iPod. And yes, corporate America thinks that you will buy any damn thing they tell you to.

So what's the problem?
First, we'll let the Rock My Teeth people tell their side of the story. Here is their cartoon scientists explaining how sound waves can clean things, but only when there is music involved:

Yes, blasting anything with sound will instantly clean it--after all, was there ever a cleaner group than the crowds at Woodstock?

Actually, if you need an explanation as to why an elaborate contraption using "sound wave energy" and your iPod's battery to clean the teeth that you couldn't bother to take care of in the first place, then losing that $30 will probably be an important learning experience.

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