The 5 Most Ill-Advised Dating Sites on the Web
As jet-setting, high-life-living internet comedy writers, we here at Cracked are pretty much awash in chicks. Even those of us who are chicks do alright with the ladies. So honestly, we don't have much use for internet dating sites. But we understand not everyone is so lucky.
So please realize, when we recently visited several dating sites and found that some of them were, to put it mildly, less than a good idea, it was just in the name of research. You know, for your benefit. You're welcome.
Women Behind Bars
Find It Here:
http://www.womenbehindbars.com/
In Their Words:
"Prison inmates are in desperate need of friends on the outside!"
In Our Words:
"Prison chicks so desperate they might even have sex with a loser like you!"
How It Works:
Before our resident conservatives get all indignant about how the prison system is like a big country club, we'll have you know that women in prison, for the most part, don't have internet access. So in order to use this site, these lovely gals apparently anticipated a prison stay ahead of time, and had the wherewithal to research the best options for meeting men once there. Dude, she totally wants it!
To post a profile, they have to mail a handwritten bio, including date of birth, the state where they are currently incarcerated and expected release date. They also have to send what one can only hope is a recent picture. What they don't send are the details about what got them locked up.
To find that out, you'll have to click the "add to cart" button next to your lady love's profile. For a nominal fee, you get her mailing address so you can send her a letter. It's like 1985 up in this piece!
Why It's a Bad Idea:
Let's get the obvious out of the way here. There are some high-end dating sites that actually check for criminal backgrounds before allowing people to sign up. At Women Behind Bars, the criminal background is the only prerequisite. This means most dudes will find themselves way in over their innocent little heads, no matter how tough they make themselves out to be on their MySpace page.
But believe it or not, it gets more ominous than that. Look through the profiles on Women Behind Bars and you'll notice a disturbing trend. Most of the ladies ... well ... look like criminals. And they have release dates to match. But as "luck" would have it, the handful that happen to be kind of attractive also happen to be getting out soon. In some cases, real soon.
Now would be a good time to mention a fun fact about Women Behind Bars: they don't even try to verify that the pictures they receive are actually of the inmate.
Release date ... just in time to fuck your shit up.
Here's what we like to call a recipe for disaster:
1. Get to know said hottie via mail.
2. Fall in love. If you're bright enough to strike up a budding love affair with an inmate, you ARE the type that will fall in love in a couple of months. Have no doubt.
3. Don't bother visiting, she'll be out soon!
4. Upon release, send money for a plane ticket.
5. Find yourself face to face with the 300-pound prison-tattooed she-beast who posted the fake picture on Women Behind Bars and is now standing at your door.
6. Continue relationship or/and be bludgeoned to death.
Motodate
Find It Here:
http://www.motodate.com/index.cfm?index.cfm
In Their Words:
"Many of us have used numerous ways to meet people, and now you can do it while you're on the road or stuck in traffic!"
In Our Words:
"Finally, hit on that chick in the car next to you without all the unwanted police intervention ... at first anyway!"
How It Works:
Motodate.com works just like any other dating site, with one stalkertastic difference. Members are sent adhesive labels to apply to their car windows. These labels have the Motodate.com website address and a four digit code printed on them. When a woman's potential suitor (and likely abductor) sees her in traffic, all he has to do is remember that four digit code until he gets home or, more likely, to the public library, and head to Motodate.com.
Once there, he can enter the code to find out more info on his potential mate/victim and, presumably, unleash a torrent of increasingly threatening emails.
Why It's a Bad Idea:
If you're a dude that happens to think you're hot enough that chicks will actually regret not flagging you down in rush hour traffic, putting one of these labels on your window will have but one result. You will look like a conceited douchebag. This is a step away from airbrushing a photo of your abs above the words, "Which of you bitches wants it?" on the side of your car.
For the women, we've already discussed the unwanted serial killer attention aspect. But if there's one thing attractive women don't need any help with, it's getting harassed by pervs in traffic. If you think that's the girl of your dreams sitting in traffic with the Motodate sticker on her car, rest assured, that four digit code is eventually going to tell you something you really didn't want to know. Don't say we didn't warn you, Romeo.
No Longer Lonely
Find It Here:
In Their Words:
"Find friends or seek romantic relationships knowing that everyone on this site has some form of mental illness!"
In Our Words:
"Know about your new guy or girl right away what you normally don't find out until it's much too late!"
How It Works:
On the bright side, it's absolutely free! Register, fill out your profile, upload a photo, go nuts! Sorry, poor choice of words there.
But really, there isn't much to how it works. It's a pretty standard dating site. It's once you start meeting people that, presumably, things get more interesting.
Why It's a Bad Idea:
Something about 9,000 bipolar/schizophrenics assembled on one dating site just seems like a problem waiting to happen. Don't get us wrong, it would be more than awesome if scientists discovered that when two crazy people mated, each person's crazy canceled out the other person's crazy thus rendering both of them uncrazy. If that was the case, NoLongerLonely.com would be one big e-cure for mental illness.
Unfortunately, our extensive experience with suicide cults and supervillain cabals indicates that it doesn't work that way. Generally, when you put crazy in the room with more crazy, you get a sort of multiplication of the crazy that winds up creating a whole clown shit-and-bananas flavored milkshake, greater than the sum of its just regular parts.
So with that in mind, it's hard to imagine how this site is a good idea for anyone. If you had a mental illness, would someone else with the same problem really be the best dating option?
But forgetting that for a moment, what happens when people without mental illness start popping up on NoLongerLonely.com? What happens when some lonely soul has no luck on regular dating sites and decides that maybe the vulnerable-minded ladies of NoLongerLonely might make for easier pickings? No need to answer that. We know what happens. This happens ...
Tallmingle.com
Find It Here:
In Their Words:
"A place where you could meet new friends and mingle with other tall singles or admirers!"
In Our Words:
"Quit spamming us you lanky bastards!"
How It Works:
Tallmingle.com works like any other dating site, except all of its members are tall. Finally, someone levels the playing field. Now maybe it won't just be short dudes scoring with the ladies for a change.
Why It's a Bad Idea:
On the surface, Tallmingle.com is no better or worse than any other goofy niche dating site. But if you read the comments section of Cracked's daily articles, (and you should because they're often every bit as hilarious as the articles themselves), then you're already familiar with Tallmingle.com and you know where we're going with this.
For those of you unaware, Tallmingle.com is the dating site that insists on dispatching their grammatically challenged spambot to inundate us with bizarrely rambling comments every single time we post a damn article. So what does that have to do with you and your love life? Well before you go to Tallmingle looking for the Ralph Sampson to match your Hakeem Olajuwon, consider this. When you visit a dating site, you would like to think that it's run by people with expertise in the area of attraction, right? Well here is what the folks at Tallmingle.com consider a worthy come on when it comes to getting people to visit their site ...
You don't see Neil Clark Warren pulling stunts like that, do you?
Neil Clark Warren, eHarmony founder, infrequent Cracked comment spammer
STDMatch.net
Find It Here:
In Their Words:
"Got an STD? Join today, be dating again tomorrow!"
In Our Words:
"Like Match.com with a more honest website address!"
How It Works:
STDMatch works like any other dating site in that everyone has an STD. The only real difference is nobody is lying about it.
Why It's a Bad Idea:
You probably think we're going to say going to STDMatch.net is a bad idea because you could catch an STD. Negatory good buddy, if that was the issue we'd tell you going to the bar is a bad idea. In fact, if you already have a "gift" of your own, STDMatch is probably right for you.
Otherwise, do not, we repeat, do not out of some sense of curiosity go poking around STDMatch.net. Why? Because if any dating site anywhere on the internet has a higher concentration of smoking hot chicks than STDMatch.net, we have yet to find it. Hell, even the dudes are pretty fly.
And then the realization will hit you. Anyone who has been to a regular dating site and pored through the pages and pages of average Janes and Joes and then suddenly stumbled across some drop dead gorgeous type always has the same thought right away ... "Wow, they look great, I wonder what's wrong with them?" After a trip to STDMatch.net, you'll know. You'll never be able to go to another dating site again without saying, "Wow, they're hot, too bad they have genital warts."
And seriously, the ugly folks are few and far between at STDMatch. It's a damn goldmine. It puts that herpes commercial with the "Living the life I want!" jingle into a whole new perspective.
Not an actual STDMatch.net user ... but not far from it.
If you think we're lying, you're welcome to check it out for yourself, but we wouldn't recommend it. If you don't want to shatter the fantasy that the perfect 10 you met on Chemistry.com really isn't too good to be true, just take our word on this one.
Adam hosts a podcast called Unpopular Opinion that you should check out right here. You should also be his friend on Twitter, Facebook and Tumblr.
If you liked that, you'll probably enjoy our look at The 10 Creepiest Craigslist Casual Encounters. If you decided to go ahead and test your resolve at STDMatch.net, you're probably going to eventually laugh knowingly at this spoof ad. Then find out about the crack team of roller blading commandos the French have put in charge of guarding the Olympic torch. This in addition to their primary duties: answering yes when asked if anything is more humiliating than being a bike cop.
