7 Horrifying Moments from Classic Kids Movies
In some ways, children are harder to scare than adults. If you don't believe us, go back and watch some of the movies you loved as a little kid. You'll be surprised to find that, at random spots, they've inserted scenes that are bizarre, hallucinogenic and/or just plain sphincter-bustingly scary.
Such as...
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory: The Boat Ride
Beloved Because...
It's the uplifting story of Charlie, a down on his luck kid living with his impoverished grandparents who obtains a rare golden ticket allowing him a tour of Willy Wonka's awesome and wondrous candy factory in a premise that even Michael Jackson would describe as "a little creepy."
Right off the bat the kids see Wonka's delicious candy room, where everything is edible and thus completely awesome. After an unfortunate mishap wherein a fat kid drowns in a river of chocolate (it's how he would've wanted to go, really), Wonka invites the remaining survivors to hop aboard his boat, where he informs them that they're "going to love this."
But Then, the Horror...
Aaaaaand Willy Wonka reveals himself to be a fucking psychopath.
First the passengers, and us, are treated to a flying monster tearing through some trees:
Now here's a dead guy with a centipede on his face in some kind of green fart mist:
Now it's eyeball time:
Giant lizard eating something, possibly a child? Affirmative:
And let's not forget the bug-eyed sociopath reciting a song that would later be featured on a Marilyn Manson album:
Exactly what part of "this" we were supposed to "love" is unclear, but presumably it's the part when the boat ride ends and we're allowed to clean the shit from our pants.
Dumbo: Pink Elephants
Beloved Because...
With the help of a mouse and some unspeakably racist crows, Dumbo is able to rise above his physical deformity and realize his full potential to become a circus sensation! Truly an inspiration for us all.
But Then, the Horror...
Disney teases our fear glands early, when Dumbo's mother goes banana sandwich and savagely beats the dogshit out of a young child. But they really go for the gold later on when Dumbo gets drunk, an experience which the filmmakers apparently confused with taking a shitload of bad acid.
The thing only lets up for a minute (starting at 4:15) before the whole sequence is topped off with epileptic madness.
We've been drunk before. This has never happened.
We understand if Disney was trying to discourage underage drinking, but holy shit. We expected to come back from this to find that Dumbo had used shards of glass to cut off his own face.
Pinocchio: Pleasure Island
Beloved Because...
Pinocchio tells the story of a wooden puppet who longs to be a real boy. There's also something about a cricket and an old man, and a rampaging murderous whale.
The theme of the movie is the importance of honesty and a strong moral compass. If you are a good little boy, you will have a happy life...
But Then, the Horror...
...but if you're bad, you will pay. Holy shit will you pay.
Specifically, The Coachman will come and find you. See, The Coachman has a couple of goons in his employ that lure burgeoning young thugs to his Pleasure Island, which sounds like the plot of an America's Most Wanted re-enactment but is actually what happens in the movie.
On the island, the boys get to indulge in their bad side: smoking and drinking and playing billiards, which for some reason are portrayed as illegal.
Their indulgences lead to an inevitable and wholly terrifying transformation into donkeys. Which is bad enough, but then...
Really, Disney? The fucking salt mines? Having them shipped off in boxes marked "Tijuana: Donkey Show" would've been less frightening than dooming them to a lifetime of grueling underground slave labor. At least at the donkey show they'd get laid.
Beloved Because...
This of course is the Disney retelling of Jack and the Beanstalk, and once again everything seems fairly normal at first. A kindly narrator paints the scene as we see best buddies Goofy, Donald and Mickey sharing their meager amount of food.
But Then, the Horror...
Out of nowhere, right at 1:55, somebody starts playing a Cannibal Corpse record in Donald's mind and he has an all-out Christian Bale meltdown at the dinner table:
He also tells the narrator to shut up and then starts eating his plate and silverware.
Goofy and Mickey try to calm him down, but Donald notices an axe on the wall and, knowing they have a cow, makes the arguably sensible decision to kill it so the three of them can eat. It's worth noting that this is the Disney universe, where animals have human thoughts and emotions (not all of them comprised of 100 percent psychotic rage) so this is essentially attempted murder by a crazed cannibal.
Goofy and Mickey wrestle the axe away from him just in time for Mickey to sell the cow for some magic fucking beans. This causes Donald to leap up to the ceiling and start pulling his hair out in a white-hot psychotic fury.
It's a bit much for children, sure, but we really can't fault Disney for showing a realistic depiction of desperate insanity, because honestly, we would've killed and eaten Mickey by this point.
The Brave Little Toaster: Suicide and Clowns
Beloved Because...
The Brave Little Toaster is the 1987 tale of five talking appliances' odyssey to get back to their original owner, who presumably left them behind to cover his security deposit.
But Then, the Horror...
Knowing that children are impressionable, the filmmakers made the wise decision to fill as many frames as they could with mechanized horror-beasts based on items every child could find in their very own home:
The air conditioner points out the fruitlessness of the other appliances' hope that their master will return, probably because he killed the guy himself.
The air conditioner then works himself into a resentment-fueled frenzy over being stuck in a wall, as opposed to being free to suck up stale Cocoa Puffs and broken shot glass shards like the lucky vacuum cleaner. He becomes so filled with anger that he overheats and fucking burns to death, and the rest of the appliances leave his charred corpse to rot in the windowsill.
"Where the fuck is the talking fire extinguisher?!"
Also, later on in the movie we're treated to this:
Because as long as we're rounding the bases of irrational phobias, we might as well toss in a satanic clown.
Sweet dreams, kiddies!
Beloved Because...
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is the 1968 Dick Van Dyke classic about a family that turns a busted piece of shit into a magical car and takes it on a grand adventure.
He can fly.
But Then, the Horror...
Amidst the traditional love story and all the happy singing, there's a nefarious Baron that inexplicably wants Chitty Chitty Bang Bang all to himself--because we all know a flying jalopy is the key to world domination.
He makes numerous attempts to acquire the vehicle, sending various henchmen to do his bidd- oh, hey, who's this gaily adorned and not-at-all frightening man?
This jaunty fellow has free candy and an awesome carriage. What could possibly go wrong here?
The answer is this. This could go wrong.
This magnificent bastard is called the Childcatcher. See, the Baron wants that car so badly that instead of, you know, maybe building one himself since he is a goddamn baron, he sends Vulgaria's premier freelance abductor up there to catch and kill the kids. At one point in the movie, Childcatcher even admits that he can smell the children's blood. Holy shit.
Hey, give credit where credit is due. The man knows his trade.
Beloved Because...
What was not to love about this movie? It's the ageless story of Snow White who, to escape an evil witch, takes shelter with a motley crew of dwarves.
But Then, the Horror...
That fucking forest.
Aside from the part where the Huntsman is looming over a defenseless teenage girl, ready to cut her heart out and put it in a freaking box, we are treated to a forest that rivals the tree rape scene in The Evil Dead. Where every branch is a frightening hand:
Every tree trunk a monster:
Every floating log an alligator:
And everything is watching you:
That's right, kids. Everything in nature is a demon-possessed harvester of tender flesh. Better to just stay inside and eat beanie weenies all day.
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And check out how else Disney terrified little children, in The 7 Most Terrifying Disney Movie Deaths. Or check out some questionable lessons they taught them as well, in 7 Classic Disney Movies That Taught Us Terrible Lessons.
And stop by our Top Picks to see the Cracked staff cowering in the corner after rewatching the tunnel scene.
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