Liberal Guilt Justified: 6 Creepy Mail Order Bride Websites

6 KievConnections.com

These ladies from Kiev, Ukraine are seeking eligible bachelors for meaningful relationships (i.e. visa sponsorships). Like many international bride sites, Kiev Connections allows you to either make contact through a translated letter and/or by sending gifts, including flowers, chocolates and teddy bears. All of which will be burnt for heat during the winter.

Sample Profiles:

This is Natasha. She's an accountant, but likes to spend her spare time practicing the art of undoing her pants without breaking overly intense eye contact with you. Also, she has the head-to-body ratio of a bobble head doll.

Here is Tatyana posing next to the tree she hides behind during Cossack raids.

True Love Testimonial:

"I am the luckiest man in the world. I have a wife who unquestionabl loves me. She is the most wonderful lady I have ever known and I am proud to call her my wife. We are also VERY much in love and every minute of every day is spent together."

This comes from Brett, who also happens to be the proprietor of Kiev Connections. He's an American that had bad experiences with other mail-order bride sites before meeting his wife and getting his own pimp on. In other words, he's not just the president of the Former Soviet Harem Club for Men, he's also a client.

From the FAQ:

"Aren't there any decent men in Ukraine?"
"Unfortunately, it is very difficult for a Ukrainian man to provide for his family. There are few well-paying jobs in the Ukraine. How can the men here take pride in themselves if they can not provide for their family The result Ukrainian men bend to peer pressure and drink and drink."

Of the many, many things that cause men of the Ukraine to drink--things like, say, their wife leaving them for a pock-marked IT guy from Kansas City--they go with "peer pressure." Apparently, this devastated nation is just a few Saved by the Bell-message-episodes away from getting back on the right track.

Chances of Finding Everlasting Love:
A perusal of the profiles reveals that many of these women don't speak English and are attracted to qualities like "independence," "self-sufficiency" and "financial loaded-ness." If you're rich and don't mind spending months to years in an uncomfortable silence, and are not totally devastated by the stiflingly depressing idea of buying a poor man's wife away from him, by all means give it a go.

5 AsianBridesOnline.com

This introduction and tour service claims to represent over 20,000 beautiful women that have the potential to bear children who are good at math. It's boasted that members can meet between 500 to 2,000 of these ladies while on one of their tours, meaning there's a good chance your special someone has already been passed over by numerous other clients.

Sample Profiles:

Hailing from Shenzhen, China is Ximei. She can shot-put the hell out of pretty much any kind of fruit, if you're into that sort of thing.

True Love Testimonial:

"It was refreshing to meet women who are actually looking for real love, not just a penis with a wallet. And the best thing is they are much more beautiful and younger than the women I meet in America. I only wish I had discovered this 20 years ago." --Robert L 2006

Robert is pretty up front about who he is: an old man who uses Asia like it's MySpace. By saying he wished he discovered this 20 years ago, Robert really means he would've liked to erase two decades of unconvincing penis and wallet-touting pick-up lines.

From the FAQ:

"Do they use the metric system?"
"Yes. The metric system is in use."

Matchmaking should be facilitated, but perhaps the site should examine whether those who ask this common inquiry should be allowed procreate or, at the very least, represent the United States overseas.

Chances of Finding Everlasting Love:
Testimonials remark about the number of beautiful women met, but few describe meeting a more permanent mate. With tour packages running from $3,000 to $7,500, it sounds a bit pricey for a surrogate spring break.

On the other hand, they do offer a fiancée visa tutorial if you want to take one home with you. And remember guys, the tutorial specifically recommends you refrain from using the term "concubine" when describing your situation to immigration officials.

4 South of the Border Introductions (SOTB.com)

This site offers thousands of profiles of Latinas looking for long-term partners in the US, and does its best to remove any guilt by mentioning that many of the women are English-speaking professionals who already have visas. These corporate types often show up in profiles wearing bikinis and flaunting heaving tanned cleavage. Apparently, office dress codes are not nearly as stringent in Latin America.

Sample Profiles:
This is Kelly from Columbia in SOTB's models section. She is looking for a generous man to pay 25 bucks to send her email she will never return.

Here we have Vilma from Brazil. She is 5'2", Catholic and on loan from a Godard film.

True Love Testimonial:

"I will be leaving for Peru in May as a result of the Personal Ad you placed for me in South America. Thanks!!! This may be the one. What I would like to know is how do I get her to Texas?" D.B. - Texas

This testimony was particularly attention-grabbing due to D.B.'s question. Hopefully, SOTB responded by telling him, "Invite her." Other options for getting Peruvian women to Texas, including "by coercion" or "by llama," seem troublesome and possibly illegal.

From the FAQ:

"Are these members looking to escape economic conditions in their country?"
"No. Many of these members are very well educated, have good jobs or careers and some even own their own businesses. They also have extremely close family ties, which is a strong part of the Latin culture."

Gotcha. As long as it's not for financial reasons, it's all good that they're leaving their culture, businesses and family to go marry some random American that thought they looked hot in a two-piece.

Chances of Finding Everlasting Love:
Going "South of the Border" is usually associated with blinding intoxication and encounters with low-cost prostitutes in Tijuana. In this case, it's something entirely different. There's implicitly no booze and the women involved are possible mates rather than prostitutes. That being said, we'd like to remind interested parties that the original meaning can usually be handled with simple antibiotics.

3 Anastasia-International.com

This is one of the slicker sites out there, and since it operates out of Bangor, Maine, company representatives are able to understand the harsh, barren conditions their Eastern European clients are trying to escape. Meanwhile, skin-bearing profile pics tend to marginalize the interests and what-type-of-man-I'm-looking-for sections, making it very similar to a Fredrick's of Hollywood catalog.

Sample Profiles:
Elvira is a 38-year-old divorcée who enjoys long walks and ill-fitting ten-gallon hats.

Irina from Odessa, Ukraine wants a man who can respect her for her mind.

True Love Testimonial:

"Dear Anastasiaweb.com I first of all would like to thank you and appreciate all of you in a big gratitude of thanks." Georgia, USA May 2005

It should be noted that if you marry a foreign bride you may begin to speak and write like someone for whom English is a second language.

From the FAQ:

"What about the privacy of the messages I send and receive?"
"The agency personnel who translate your messages will not know your identity at all, and in many cases will not know the lady's identity either. Furthermore, she will be an industry professional, accustomed to assisting in communications of the most intimate nature."

We don't know what's sadder, the idea that anyone would believe this or the idea of some "industry professional" diligently studying a foreign language, dreaming of being an interpreter at the UN, only to wake up one day and find themselves translating awkward, creepy international love notes.

Chances of Finding Everlasting Love:
If you're going to trust any site, this one is probably as good as any. They do a lot of business and seem to attract a lot of positive press including being featured in Forbes magazine, Red Herring and in a story on the AP newswire. It's kind of strange really. We can't imagine why any reputable publication would want to devote an entire article to such a topic.

2 ForeignLadies.com

ForeignLadies features profiles, but its main focus is arranging tours whereby men can travel to the usual suspects of Eastern Europe, Asia or Latin America to meet available women. One particularly popular tour goes to Peru and offers the opportunity to visit Machu Picchu, an Inca ruin that is coincidentally named after the god of romantic desperation.

Sample Profiles:
Mhea is a 19-year-old Filipino looking for a man that doesn't mind being constantly suspected of statutory rape.

True Love Testimonial:

" tastes run toward Asia. Thai ladies are a great combination of extraordinary beauty, high-class sophistication, and complete devotion to their men."

We're going to take a wild guess and say this man's mail-order bride will eventually murder him in his sleep.

From the FAQ:

"Who are foreign ladies?"
"ForeignLadies.com is an international dating website featuring women from Russia, Ukraine and Latin America who are looking for lasting relationships and/or marriage with Western men."

Or more to the point, they're the women you're attempting to poach from foreign lands, leaving disillusioned foreign men with nothing but rage. Rage directed towards the United States. We can only hope Al-Qaeda isn't creating ForeignMen.com as a recruiting tool.

Chances of Finding Everlasting Love:
While the trips arrange for an array of activities, it's not clear how any of them will put you in contact with women who are anything but totally and utterly creeped out by your presence in their living room asking them if they "like to party."

So your chances are probably on par with what you'd be looking at if you cruised up to a "MILF" in the produce section of the local grocery store and told her you were looking for "ripe melons" with a knowing smirk on your face.

1 HotRussianBrides.com

This site offers to put you in touch with attractive bachelorettes in Russia and the Ukraine, but something is just not right about it. Many of these profiles feature women who are simply too incredible to believe. We're not talking stripper hot either. We're talking hot like Scarlett Johansson. Check out the first sample profile and you'll see what we mean.

Sample Profiles:
Elena is 24, hails from the Ukraine and makes our hands sweat by leaning against a well and holding a cell phone.

This next shot is not from a profile. It's a picture of Svetlana and Texas Jerry, a coupling facilitated by the site. If there is any justice in this world, Elena will not meet the same fate.

True Love Testimonial:

"You have been extremely helpful and it is truly appreciated. I have met some wonderful ladies on your website and your excellent customer service continues to make my investment worthwhile." -Tlhapi

Forget about all those American women that only care about money. These smokin' Russian woman are the best, because their wonderful nature yields repeated dividends on the initial investment.

From the FAQ:

"I'm no stud. What would these girls want with me?"
"Many men assume that all women are overly concerned with a man's appearance and how much money he makes. Sure, some are, but we know from experience that most Russian women aren't...They love their men for who they are on the inside."

Oops, I forgot, I actually am a stud with no personality. Would they still want me? Sure, some women are only after stimulating conversation, but not Russian women. They don't understand a damn word you're saying and just want meaningless sex. And isn't that why you're perusing this site anyway?

Chances of Finding Everlasting Love:
Doubtful. First off, the best-looking women on Hot Russian Brides are just too attractive to want schlubby Westerners who spend all day trolling the web for girlfriends. By the time you make contact, they'll have already shacked up with some oligarch or a smooth-talking comedy-website writer. Those guys get all the chicks.

If you liked that, you'll probably enjoy Anthony Layser's look at the Creepiest Craigslist Casual Encounters. Then, head over to the blog and read about the Children of Men TV series and what a terrible idea it is.