The 25 Most Disturbing Sex Toys
Hedonism got way out of a hand when the internet came along and the sex toy market exploded like, well, a bukkake video. Where once it was simple shoulder massagers and turkey basters that had to be adapted to nefarious purposes, nowadays anything you can think of (and probably a few dozen things you could never think of) are out there to give some lonely shut-in the pleasure they can't get from molesting a damp slice of bread. Things like these ...
Pig Tail Butt Plug
This thing actually exists and as such, we feel soiled. And at most, 5 percent turned on, but that's pushing it.
Fun Website Quote:
"Make 'em squeal loud and hard with their new black pig tail butt plug! It doesn't get much more humiliating than this."
Area 51 Love Doll
The inflatable doll market is saturated with all manner of nearly identical, buoyant and boring rubbery women. However, every so often a visionary appears to make a new and exciting love doll, the kind that renews our passion for the loneliest, most pathetic form of self gratification known to man.
Fun Website Quote:
"Its pussy-shaped mouth, 3 supple breasts, suction cup fingers and ass-shaped ears make it the kinkiest love slave in the galaxy."
Hooded Spandex Full Body Binder Sack
We're not saying we know everything there is to know about sex, though we have spent a lot of time, uh, reading about it. But in none of our experience have we happened upon a case when bagging someone up like a Christmas tree on its way to the dump was a way to initiate coitus.
Fun Website Quote:
"This total body sack is so comfortable, I could spend an entire night in it."
Rubber Gates of Hell
What man isn't convinced that only the portal to the underworld itself (in this case, fabricated from rubber) can hold back his manhood? Probably quite a few men aren't convinced of that, actually. But for the rest, thankfully, the Rubber Gates of Hell penis harness was created. The exact purpose of this device was lost with its creator, Dr. Arnold Crazy-Fuck, but the thrill of rubber rings and little metal rivets on your junk lives on!
Fun Website Quote:
"Corral your stallion with these slightly stretchy rings designed to please and tease."
Baby Jesus Butt Plug
This was obviously made to be sensationalistic, probably by someone thinking a massive protest would rev up sales. Or, they were trying to make some kind of deeply personal statement about the flaws of organized religion. But either way, it's a Baby Jesus butt plug.
Fun Website Quote:
"Use him as the ultimate pacifier or make Baby Jesus the centerpiece of your magnificent Dildo Creche."
Houdini Locking Steel Cock Chastity
We're pretty certain neither Houdini nor his estate have anything to do with this. While the great escape artist was known for being able to free himself from some pretty tight squeezes, the odds are his wang didn't have its own road show where it did the same thing.
Nonetheless this product exists, apparently for the sole purpose of slapping what appears to be roughly 10 pounds of leftover steel plumbing bits to your unit, just so you can't fiddle with it.
Fun Website Quote:
"The tubular steel design makes it impossible to masturbate with this in place and the ratcheting cuff makes sure it stays put until the keymaster is in the mood to release you."
The Perfect Pair Breast Enhancers
Breast enhancement is nothing new in our world, but if you look closely at this picture using your keen detective skills, you may notice something is amiss. Indeed, these appear to be some sort of strap-on boobies for men. Because what's the fun of putting on grandma's support hose and her best Sunday dress if you don't have the jugs to match?
Fun Website Quote:
"Upright and firm, you can squeeze them and feel them--they feel real!"
The Cone
There was a scene in Billy Madison when Adam Sandler is talking to a kid when he first gets to high school and the kid says "I was a loser in denial too. Until the lacrosse team stuck a parking cone up my ass." Remember that? So did the designers of this toy. But unlike you, they thought it was an awesome idea.
Fun Website Quote:
"The funky, contemporary style means it doesn't need to be hidden away in the bedroom drawer."
Anal Speculum
Sex toys are often sold under the guise of bringing couples together and based on experiences we've repressed from summer camp in our teen years, we feel confident saying that few things get you closer to another human than an anal speculum.
Fun Website Quote:
"Perfect for ... medical/clinic scenes for the sadistic proctologist."
Orca
Sometimes you get to the point where the standard human dong just doesn't do it for you, no matter how unrealistic the proportions. For those people, the caring deviants in the fake dong industry put their skills to work in making a dildo modeled after the junk of an orca whale.
An orca whale.
Fun Website Quote:
"it is over 15 (inches) without the base"
The Hot Seat Inflatable Cushion Vibe
Did you happen to have a Space Hopper when you were a kid? And were you hoping someone could make your childhood memories of that toy disturbed and traumatic? Today is your lucky day.
This delightful little inflatable foot stool is designed with a flat bottom, so no more falling down and breaking bones then having to call the EMTs and explain you were just dusting when you slipped and somehow got this jammed in your nether regions.
Fun Website Quote:
"... try controlling your wild, bucking passion!"
Rubber Fisting Mitten
As best we can tell, this must be some kind of boxing glove (they must call it "fisting" in Europe). But why would this be in a catalog of sex toys? And why does the "mitten" go all the way up to her shoulder-OH SHIT.
Fun Website Quote:
"Use plenty of latex safe silicone lubricant when using this and don't forget to use some to shine your fisting glove like I have here."
Electro-Sex Glove Set
It is a scientific fact that every human being will, at one time or another, have a sexual fantasy in which they're that really weird Gremlin from Gremlins 2 that got turned into electricity and stuck in the phone lines. Guaran-damn-teed. It was for that reason that this product was made. Now, without having to involve any Mogwai at all, you too can electrocute the living shit out of yourself, your partner, the cat, the mailman, or anyone else you can chase down and grab hold of. As an added bonus, it will all be super sexy.
Fun Website Quote:
"Do not use on eyelids or broken skin. Not intended for use for those with a cardiac pacemaker or if you are pregnant."
Hotdoll
See, sex toys don't have to be all about you. They can just as easily be used to give pleasure to another, like, say, your best friend. This may or may not be stuck at the concept phase, but face it, it's probably the coolest looking dog toy you've ever seen.
Fun Website Quote:
"You can apply some female odor spray on it several times a month when your dog seems sexually hungry or nervous."
The Tongue Vibrator
Of all the products here most likely to inspire a horror movie, this has to be at the top of the list. What the hell could be scarier than a disembodied, licking tongue? You stumble into your bathroom at night, open the medicine cabinet and then this thing comes squirming out at you, just ... licking and stuff.
Fun Website Quote:
"The sweet licking motion provides endless and tireless rhythm"
OhMiBod Vibrator
The OhMiBod (we have to assume that "iCum" was already trademarked) is a way for all of us to climax along with the latest Beyonce single, and who wouldn't want that?
The should-have-been-named-iCum just buzzes and throbs along to the beat of whatever you're listening to on your iPod, which makes us wonder if you can hook it up to a video iPod and watch porn on the bus, thus making yourself the creepiest degenerate to ever walk the earth.
Fun Website Quote:
"OhMiBod is not endorsed by Apple Computer Inc."
I Rub My Duckie Massager
Inexplicably mixing an innocent children's bath tub toy with the debauched needs of a 40-something "Cathy" fan, someone came up with this cute little vibrating dildo duck.
Worse yet, it comes in a tiny travel size, for when you plan on leaving home but just don't have the space for your gigantic, novelty duck vibrator in your luggage.
Fun Website Quote:
"Just pop in the 2 AA batteries (included), flip the duckie on and utilize it till your heart's content."
Auto Suck
Because driving alone can often leave a man horribly aroused yet unfulfilled, the Auto Suck was designed to plug into any car cigarette lighter. We figure this invention is a good thing because there's probably tons of school buses out there full of kids who've never once driven past a man humping what amounts to a vacuum attachment in his car. How else will they learn about the world?
Fun Website Quote:
'do not use while driving!'
Kaylani's Foot Fetish
Being familiar with the internet as we are, we know there are people who get off on things like smoking, riding crops, vomit, amputees, slide whistles, artichokes, the elderly and yes, even feet. And while a foot fetish is one thing, this appears to be a rubber foot with a vagina heel.
Wait, what?
Fun Website Quote:
"Smaller than the real thing, this foot is ideal to keep in your drawer and take with you on those long business trips!!"
The Pleasure Periscope
One of the big complaints about sex that most people have is that they can't see four inches inside their partner's special areas. If only nature had created some manner of lighted probe to accommodate that. Where nature fails, the sex toy industry excels.
Fun Website Quote:
"The viewer window and inside light allow you to self-examine as you self-stimulate!"
Kochi the Anime Doll
Because maybe some people want to mix deviant sexuality and a full fledged nightmare together in a real world setting, this thing exists. This horrible, dead-eyed abomination with three usable holes.
Fun Website Quote:
"show her who's boss"
Dildo Gas Mask
We're not really sure about the logistics involved in this, although it does vaguely reminds us of a He-man action figure we once saw. That's kinda cool. Also, safe sex is important and if you have a habit of releasing tear gas during love making then this is right up your alley, so to speak.
Fun Website Quote:
"Can be enjoyed in so many ways!"
Stuffoscope
Sex should appeal to all the senses, which is why flavored lubes, scented oils and rawhide panties exist. But sound has often fallen by the wayside, with the average Joe left to appreciate nothing more than his own occasional grunt or the sobbing of his partner on the phone. Until now, with the invention of the Stuffoscope!
Hearing the insides of your nearest and dearest is only a humiliation away.
Fun Website Quote:
"listen to your partner's innermost secrets!"
Prince's Wand
One look at the design of this thing told us we don't want to know what it does.
Seriously, don't tell us.
Fun Website Quote:
"Here is our latest piss hole stuffer."
Mr. Jack With Mustache
Hey, remember when we said that tongue thing would be most likely to get a horror movie? We were way fucking wrong.
Near as we can figure, this was designed for people who wanted a blowjob from an incognito Guy Smiley using Burt's eyebrows as a mustache without the rest of his Muppet head getting in the way.
Whatever the case, we haven't slept for days for fear an army of these will attack us and attach themselves to our spinal cords.
Fun Website Quote:
"fits like a glove!"
If you liked that, please enjoy The 15 Most Sexually Unappealing Porn Titles. If you think you can do better, give it a shot by signing up in the forums to be a writer.
