Rosie O'Donnell to Fred Durst: The 7 Most Bizarre Celebrity Blogs
Celebrities are people just like us. They eat just like us, they sleep just like us and they put their $700 jeans on one leg at a time just like us. So, it should come as no surprise that some of them start batshit insane blogs like some non-famous people do, too.
None are batshittier than these.
Rosie O'Donnell - "R Blog"
You can find it HERE.
Rosie O'Donnell's "R Blog" serves as a chronicle of her waning sanity. This is evident in the borderline incoherent writing style that she employs when discussing any and everything. For example, have a guess at what she's talking about in this post ...
"as the lines all blur
together
into the brightest yellow
i saw a light
they say
those who went and came back
follow it
if u can"
Ok, time's up. Did you say "Oprah?" Congratulations! You're goddamned crazy also!
As an outspoken lefty, her blog is surprisingly light on the Bush bashing. But, when she does decide to copy and paste something someone else said about Bush into one of her posts, the fire and passion displayed when she occasionally adds a sentence of her own at the end is truly inspiring. Such as when she pasted this bit from the Washington Post, then declared to America, "we r lost."
The rest of the entries provide a disturbing look into the mind of a former comedian (and we can't stress the "former" part enough) with way too much time on her hands now that her gig on The View has reached its merciful conclusion. Among the various nonsensical posts are several videos of a squirrel Rosie has decided is named Shady who, for your enjoyment, performs several acts of animal cuteness such as eating, staring and walking around.
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?!?!
Keep in mind, Rosie is a married mother of four adopted kids. That she still fits in time to always be looking out the same window, camera at the ready, waiting for a fucking squirrel to show up so she can post a video of it on her blog suggests that the early stages of Jack Nicholson in The Shining-style cabin fever may have already set in. No work and all play makes Rosie a very crazy broad.
Words of Wisdom:
"today
out in the bay
there r no words
really
80 % say conspiracy re jfk
hmmmm
gonna get a ? of the day button
this will b fun
maybe a graph
pie chart
something
dolphins
a nudge
from above
4 me"
Pat Sajak - "Sajak Says"
You can find it HERE.
Pat Sajak has spent the better part of a quarter century watching garden variety dumbasses stumble over fourth grade-level crossword puzzles. In reading through some of the entries on his blog, you get the sense that this daily interaction with the dregs of society has instilled in him a loathing and mistrust of common folks that has him teetering on the brink of a Michael Richards-style breakdown at any moment.
In fact, if the entry titled "The New Big Brother" is any indication, it may be his biggest fear. In a diatribe that wouldn't have been out of place in the Unabomber Manifesto, Pat goes into way too much detail about how Big Brother, the omnipresent privacy invading government entity from the George Orwell classic 1984, has already arrived. But, and here's the rub, it's not a government entity. Nope, it's YOU! You and your camera phones and your YouTubes spreading vicious untruths about decent, hard working, celebs behind the anonymity of a computer and a screen name!
Even worse, he argues, the government now has to live in fear of the people. Preposterous! In another post titled "The Dark Side of the Internet," Pat rails against the idea of "online communities," arguing that if the Internet was really a community, it would have schools and shops and such. Yeah, it would be awesome if you could shop and go to school online. Maybe someday Pat, maybe someday.
Christ, has this guy actually even been on the damn Internet? But it's not just the way the regular folk yield their new fangled computer boxes that bothers Pat. In a post titled "Artificial Intimacy," he recounts a tale of a young man who dared to ask if he wore a toupee during a question-and-answer session on the set of Wheel of Fortune. He's baffled by the fans who seem to believe he, "wouldn't have a job if they didn't watch."
That's right, Pat. Advertisers paid you millions, not because anyone watched the show, but because they liked writing checks to douchebags.
Words of Wisdom:
"In addition to giving up so much of our personal lives, the new technologies have also forced us to spend endless hours on truly trivial matters. In a world without cell phones, would you really want to paste decorative wallpaper on your old telephones?"
Lily Allen - MySpace Blog
You can find it HERE.
It used to be that no matter how big a rock star got, there was still a curtain around their personal lives. Outrageous stories still made their way out of the rumor mill (tales of, say, fucking a groupie with a mud shark), but that all just added to the sense of mystery.
That was before the Internet. Now, the artists can talk directly to fans eager to know every completely inconsequential detail of their daily lives. And, more than any other star in this world, Lily Allen is more than happy to oblige.
If Lily Allen took an odd-looking shit, you can bet there would be a delightfully misspelled post on her MySpace blog about it an hour later. Nary a negative comment pointed in her direction goes unanswered, no shoes go purchased without her telling the world. When it comes to keeping her fans in the know, Lily Allen does not fuck around.
It would be plenty awesome enough if she left it at that, but Lil' goes the extra mile and makes sure to include photos when describing the innermost details of her personal life. Take the August 10, 2007 post for example. When most musicians would explain canceled gigs with a simple "sorry, I'm sick, I'll make it up to you," she not only tells us how she got sick, what it is that ails her, what cities the doctors who diagnosed her practice in and exactly how long she expects to be out of commission, she also makes sure to include this photo as proof ...
She's an odd duck, but that's pretty fucking charming; a far cry from the "holy shit, she's totally going to kill herself" reaction that most people had after reading her May 12, 2007 post titled "fat, ugly and shittier than winehouse." In a sob story rant that surely sent the self esteem of genuinely obese chicks throttling to new lows, Allen talks of how she used to not care about being a little chubby, but has now "fallen victim to the evil machine" and is researching gastric bypass surgery and liposuction. Naturally, all of this research was being done "in a sea of tears." Lest anyone think that was an exaggeration, there was a picture, of course ...
That picture has since been deleted from the blog, but the post inexplicably remains. If any of the blogs on this list are worth keeping tabs on in the months ahead, this is the one. In December 2007, Lily Allen announced she was pregnant with her first child. That should make for interesting reading from a woman set adrift on a sea of tears by being a few pounds overweight, especially considering she managed to pull it together enough to look like this right before getting knocked up.
Let the over-dramatic nervous breakdowns commence!
Words of Wisdom:
"Everything i write here gets twisted and rewritten buy a bunch of lazy fucks who havent got anything better to write about."
Jeff Bridges - "Stuff"
You can find it HERE.
There are a couple types of strange in this world. First, there is the oddly endearing kind of strange that may weird you out a little, but you put up with it for one reason or another. Like the old guy in the park that always gives you spot on stock tips who just happens to have Tourette's syndrome so he also calls you a "fuckhunter" after every sentence. Then, there is the kind of strange that annoys you to the point that you just want it right the fuck out of your sight as soon as possible, like the cashier at the grocery store who thinks he's really good at impressions and insists on speaking to you strictly in his best Bill Clinton voice at all times.
On his blog, Jeff Bridges wants to be the first kind of strange. He winds up being the second.
On the blog's homepage, for instance, instead of a series of neatly arranged posts with clearly worded titles, His Dudeness has opted to scatter a bunch of half-assed doodles that people lucky enough to make money as actors or musicians usually refer to as "their artwork." It's at this point that nine out of 10 readers probably don't even realize this is a blog and not just a collection of shitty drawings and hit the back button in search of The Big Lebowski quotes.
Each picture is actually a link to a different blog post, if that's what you want to call them. You see, what really blows the mind isn't that Jeff Bridges would draw a picture for each of his posts, it's that he takes the time to draw a picture even when he's just posting a link to some inane website or news story. And in most cases, that's exactly what he's doing. Jeff Bridges is a man clearly moved beyond words by each and every forwarded email that arrives in his inbox. So much so that he whips up a snappy little doodle to represent it and posts that shit on his blog where it can be enjoyed by fucking nobody but him.
It doesn't take long before clicking on all of those obnoxious pictures in hopes of finding something that isn't a damn link to something else just tires you clean the hell out. It's right around that point that you'll stumble across this gem ...
Yeah, it's called "some links," because it's a link to more links. Naturally, each of those links have their own colorful little drawings to go along with them also. By the time you do find something that is actually of Jeff's own doing, it's usually a bunch of pointless goddamned rambling and it looks like this:
Fuck you, Bridges. We're not doing that.
Words of Wisdom:
Roseanne Barr - "Roseanne World"
You can find it HERE.
There are several celebrities capable of discussing their political viewpoints in a thoughtful and intelligent manner. Roseanne Barr is not one of those celebrities.
On her "Roseanne World" blog, Roseanne Barr dishes out attacks on George Bush, Dick Cheney and just about anybody else with all of the calm objectivity of Rush Limbaugh on a two-week meth bender. In a post titled "getting old really really sucks," Roseanne screams about how she's tired of nobody listening to her just because she is a "loud and offensive old woman!" For the record, we here at Cracked are completely against writing someone off based solely on their age or sex. With that said, if someone you know has ever drawn up a picture like this ...
... ignore that person at all costs. That picture is from the post charmingly titled "Huckahitler" and is, well, just what it looks like. Why draw Hitler mustaches on Mike Huckabee and his kids? Because during his time as the governor of Arkansas, he apparently let a convicted sexual predator out of jail early and helped his son escape punishment for killing a dog at summer camp ...just like the holocaust.
Of course, even the most hardened political blogger needs a break sometimes. Every once in awhile, Roseanne tones down the political crazy to indulge in some good old basic vanilla crazy. For example, check out this excerpt from the post titled "Christmas Wishes":
"God is now making Itself seen. It is creation Itself. Creation is an interconnected Being. It is a silver thread shaped like a spiral, and we the biosphere that moves up and down it, like Jacob's ladder. It's 'language' is RNA. IT IS GREEN. HER BABYLONIAN NAME IS 'NEMESIS'."
Word up.
Words of Wisdom:
"Pat Sajak ... you traitorous old queen!"
Fred Durst - "American Alien"
You can find it HERE.
Oh man, this fucking guy! How well-liked was Fred Durst by the time this blog was started in 2004? So much so that he made it a whole three posts before hackers got into his Xanga account and took the site offline for over a month. He returned to make one last post and then disappeared never to post again, bringing the sum total of this blog's output to a whopping four posts.
And, what a hilariously shitty bunch of posts they were. Apparently, the idea behind "American Alien" was to give Durst an outlet to explore his newfound interest in, wait for it ... philosophy.
That's right, the man behind thought-provoking lyrics like "I did it all for the nookie (come on), the nookie (come on), so you can take that cookie and stick it up your (yeah)" was reinventing himself as, literally, "a person who offers views or theories on profound questions in ethics, metaphysics, logic, and other related fields." So what does it sound like when Fred Durst gets philosophical on that ass? Something like this:
"this assures me all is well regardless of my minds own interpretation of exactly where i am at in this particular genre of love and life. i know, i know, i'll stop. when things that are living are in fact dying they change colors, but the things that are already dead will always remain the same."
You know what else will always remain the same? The fact that no matter what Fred Durst is saying, we will always want him to just shut the fuck up. Never before have computer hackers seemed so benevolent.
Words of Wisdom:
"This is so accurate to me. Powerful words assassassain29"
Courtney Love - MySpace Blog
You can find it HERE.
Unless you've been stuck with the task of compiling a list of potentially dangerous blogs for the government, or you really fucking hate yourself, there is no good damn reason you should be reading Courtney Love's MySpace blog. There are professionals like us whose job it is to sift through this 50,000-word long Internet nightmare comprised exclusively of wholly incoherent rants that are all misspelled to the point of making your average Nigerian email scammer look like Hemingway. It's dangerous work, and best left to the experts.
There is literally no subject that Courtney Love can't turn into a short story-length exercise in consonant and vowel misplacement that, if copied and pasted into Microsoft Word with spell check turned on, will cause your computer to make a sound like a boiling tea kettle before bursting into flame.
It's foolish for us to keep trying to describe it, so we'll just let Courtney's blogging skills speak for themselves:
Words of Wisdom:
On her new album:
"when i first stazrted this endaevor almost 4 years ago ( yeah but ONLY 74 DAYS IN THE STUDIO ALL IN) i had these niave barely there little songs this paino sinmset ,marwuis i gave to Visionare because i loved the idea of anything being in Vinyl and becaus ei knew that it would never opthewr wise see the light of day, so yes it goes on and on - bu tthaqtsx because itll cvome out when its ready"
On identity theft:
"i feel as tho my karma is good emnough that i wont get burned sonc eim not the one that did the plethora of oh every whiote collar crime you can think of from morgtage fraud to notary fraud to a MASS id fraud abnd 20 some corps oppened on my name"
On miyo;cooya/need princess ai to tour and record/ mirakami:
"i cant seem to find you! i am sending nobuku th emarch kera ( please include ther new kera in your package when you get this) i have a major very impoirtant task for you-= it involves mirakami and you will be mroe than welcome- it is not mr mriaskami ylou willbe seeing someone else- but its important we speak japamnese to this person- not geijin through geijin."
On spelling:
"im a good speller technically but its like i juts cant post toptally cohetent long thoughts as my braon goes os fast"
Adam hosts a podcast called Unpopular Opinion that you should check out right here. You should also be his friend on Twitter, Facebook and Tumblr.
For an article about celebrities doing what they're actually good at, check out Mike Swaim's compilation of The 11 Most Unintentionally Poignant Drunk Celebrity Videos or check out real professional blogger Ross Wolinsky's rundown of the most underreported celebrity stories of the year.
