The 10 Creepiest Craigslist Casual Encounters
Craigslist is great for finding a used bike or cheap tickets to the ballgame. Oh, and also for posting pictures of your genitals and telling the world that you're a "bottom."
If you're confused, you've probably never checked out the "Casual Encounters" link in the Personals section of Craigslist. Recently, CRACKED did just that and turned up a list of the best requests for no-strings-attached nookie from across the country. And don't worry, for your emotional health, we've excluded the listings that feature stranger junk.
"Bottom for rape fantasy tonight/tomorrow"
Desired Demo:
Violent homosexuals
Quote:
"Submissive bottom here looking for one or more aggressive guys to come by late tonight or early morning. I'm staying at the Bensalem Hampton Inn. Room door will be unlocked and I'll be asleep. Just walk in, drop your shorts and bury your dick in my jock-strapped ass. Safe play only!"
What We Can Assume:
This is pretty cut and dry. We have a submissive bottom, who wants one or more guys to enter his hotel room and sodomize him while pretending that the act is actually being carried out by force. Thanks to the torso picture we also know that this fellow seems to be somewhat athletic, which may explain why he sleeps in a jockstrap.
Though ... this may not be as simple as that. This could easily be one creative man setting up another man for an unexpected ass raping.
Where It Went Wrong:
Unlike some of the other solicitations featured, we are genuinely concerned for this listing's author. Maybe this is prudish, but it seems dangerous to let the world know the exact hotel where you'll be staying, that you plan on leaving the door open and that you expect to be brutalized. Not everyone is into rape. Some people are more into robbery and gay bashing.
Chance of Getting Laid: 67%
It's really just a matter of who gets there first, the sexually frustrated gay men, the homophobes or the cops. It's also possible that this is one of the cruelest pranks ever perpetrated using the Internet.
"Clein man looking for clein woman for tonight"
Desired Demo:
"Clein" women. Whatever that is. Perhaps he's German?
Quote:
"tomarow weekend! im reed if you are must have pic! i got pic check it out!"
What We Can Assume:
That whatever educational institutions this man has attended have failed him. Any attempt to read this listing will confound even the most skilled codebreaker. However, we can glean from the photos that the author has studied a martial art, wears a referee jersey while tending to small children and competes in bicycle races. It doesn't seem like much of a stretch to speculate that his dad is just barely out of the frame of the bicycle race, having just let go of the seat of his bicycle.
Where It Went Wrong:
Where do you start? First off, any "clein" woman looking for a hook up needs to understand this strange secret language to communicate her interest. For regular human females, the logistics of using email to set up a place to rendezvous with a guy who has no grasp of the written word or any understanding of basic syntax will seem daunting. And, if that's not enough to scare them off, he mentions tonight, "tomarow" and the weekend as times he's available. Sounds like our little buddy here isn't the most popular mental defective in Houston.
Chance of Getting Laid: 28%
We're assuming that this is about the percentage of women in Houston that don't know that you can purchase Karate Gees with Black Belts on the Internet for a few hundred dollars.
"Pregnant (expecting mother)"
Desired Demo:
Knocked-up ladies
Quote:
"Thanks for reading this post. I am a well built and drug free gentleman with a strong sexual drive. I have a desire to be with an expecting mother(Pregnant)and want to make this fantasy come true. There is something so beautiful about pregnant women and I would love nothing more than to please one. I play no games and ask that you do the same."
What We Can Assume:
Right away, we know Damion is a polite guy. He opens by offering thanks for reading his listing and signs off with "sincerely" just to let you know that he's not kidding about wanting some pregger's poontang. He does mention that he plays no games, which probably means breast-pump bingo is out of the question. From the photos, we can also note that while not chasing women with child, Damion hangs out in abandoned train yards and old water-damaged barns.
Where It Went Wrong:
Clearly, the photos are pretty damning. Had Damion went with a single photo, one might think, "Weird, he looks kinda gay." Combine the two and any single, horny pregnant woman in San Diego will probably move on. They've got enough problems without introducing a sexually-confused lover into the mix. Also, "I am also a massage therapist" is doing Damion no favors. Roughly three out of five guys who post attest to being massage therapists. Basically, it's code for, "I promise to provide half-assed foreplay before wanting to bang."
Chance of Getting Laid: 13%
Any pregnant woman cruising the Craigslist casual encounters has enough on her plate. She probably doesn't need the heaping second helping of mommy issues this guy's clearly bringing to the table.
"DRINKS TONIGHT ILL BUY MABEY ILL GIVE U ORAL IN THE CAR"
Desired Demo:
Age and body type have intriguingly not been specified.
Quote:
"im a 23 male brown hair blue eyes 5'11 160 lbs attractive athletic and im looking for a woman to have drinks tonight and mabey do a lil oral play in the car i love to eat pussy email or im me on yahoo at garglemygoods i have more pics ill buy the drinks NO MEN"
What We Can Assume:
By leading with all physical attributes including age, hair and eye color, height, weight and the description "attractive athletic," we know this guy is proud of what he looks like. The fact that he wants to meet up for a drink and exchange oral sex in a car, well, that leads one to believe that he probably lives with someone. If it's a girlfriend or wife, that's one thing. If it's his parents, that's kind of sad, plus it might mean the car he's proposing to make out in is owned by his folks. If any bodily fluids are spilled, be prepared to be handed a Wet- Nap.
Where It Went Wrong:
He requests that interested parties contact him via IM using the screen name "GargleMyGoods." Any woman looking for a discrete gentleman may find this a bit lacking in subtlety. Meanwhile, he completely forgets to give any sort of indication about what type of woman he's looking for, which gives off the impression that he'll pretty much let anybody gargle his goods. The fact that he spells maybe, "mabey" not once, but twice is also somewhat troubling.
Chance of Getting Laid: 32%
His discretion and apparent total lack of standards help make success a sliver more likely then for Damion up there.
"Safe fisting bring intense orgasms......Getting to be popular fun!"
Desired Demo:
Women who like their sexual organs to be treated like the African monkey trap.
Quote:
"Experienced gentleman with smaller hands, looking for a woman who enjoys being fisted ..... curious newcomers welcome as well. If you've been there and done it, you already know and understand what's written below ..."
What We Can Assume:
What follows that quote is about 150 words describing "fisting" in extreme detail (You can click on the pic for the full ad, if you must). The verve he uses when rolling out the numbered steps of the process makes it evident that this guy will approach a possible encounter like some sort of demented camp counselor demonstrating macrame.
Where It Went Wrong:
The header reads "Getting to be popular fun!" C'mon now, if a woman is considering letting a guy go wrist-deep, it's probably not because everybody else is doing it. More than likely, it's not the type of experience she wants to have just so she can share the story at the watercooler with her fisting-enthusiast co-workers. Also, he might want to edit the tidbit about it taking "1-2 days for vagina to return to original state."
Chance of Getting Laid: 7%
If the whole fisting thing doesn't scare you off, we're assuming the unsettling drug-dealer-from-a-1980s-PSA vibe ("C'mon kid, all your friends are doing it. Don't be a chicken.") will do the trick.
"Willing to please you"
Desired Demo:
Men who are into terrifying cross-dressers
Quote:
"i am submissive cd willing to please. I have rented a residence in North Vegas, off Craig street. If interested please email me for a appointment. I am very willing to please you."
What We Can Assume:
That no matter how disturbing these photos may seem there are more than a few dudes out there who want a piece of that, because he/she/it is taking appointments. Additionally, it's been indicated that our cross-dresser lives in North Vegas. And while everyone knows what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, few are familiar with the North Vegas slogan, which is: What happens in North Vegas will haunt your dreams forever.
Where It Went Wrong:
For someone who's not into female impersonators, there is so much wrong here. But even if that is your cup of tea, you've got to be taken aback by the doll photo. That's some crazy serial-killer stuff right there. Combine that with the freaky flowers-and-curls wig and any sensible person answering this listing would have to be at least a little worried about ending up in a freezer.
Chance of Getting Laid: 74%
On the other hand, it's Vegas.
"Winter is coming; I want a cuddle buddy"
Desired Demo:
"Cute and cuddly" women
Quote:
"I'll provide the rugged good looks and the high metabolism. You provide the cute and cuddly. Not looking for a one-night thing. I want all of the winter or when one of us finds someone better, whichever comes first. P.S. I won't have sex with you. I'm saving it. Period."
What We Can Assume:
First off, Mr. Cuddles is probably in the wrong section, because he's looking for more than a one-time thing and he's ardent in his declaration that there will be no sex. We can also assume that he doesn't have adequate heat in his home, as his winter-term relationship seems to involve you becoming his human space heater.
Where It Went Wrong:
We're not saying every woman on Casual Encounters is looking to get tore up, but this just screams LAME. You've got a picture of kittens, you've asserted that you're a 25-year-old virgin and the best descriptions you can come up with for yourself is that you have a "high metabolism?"
Chance of Getting Laid: 14%
No offense Mr. Cuddles, but you should consider eHarmony. If there's no ass play or misguided fantasy involved, Craigslist Casual Encounters has no use for you.
"God, this never works......but is there a submissive lady out there"
Desired Demo:
Women who want to be manhandled by a lover with a questionable sense of style
Quote:
"This is a recent picture of me taken four weeks ago ... Vanilla women is out of the question and I only do KINK women that have a drive and a need to be controlled and in a submissive relationship. We all have options and your is to be with a DOMINANT LOVER. I am DOM in a good way, I am not a beater, yell or threaten - any male can to that, we call them ass holes. A true DOM knows how to control by asking once and can give you a look that will melt you in one second."
What We Can Assume:
This guy likes to be in control. He knows what he wants and he's confident in his ability to melt flavors other than vanilla with a look that has been clocked at one second. Unfortunately, honing this incredible melting stare power has kept him from having time to get to the mall. Our best estimates track this tie to the Structure's 1992 spring collection.
Where It Went Wrong:
In the first line where he reveals that it's a recent picture of him. He may not be what we call "ass holes," but his pose and choice of neck wear are clearly giving off a heavy vibe of dork. And, it's not the sweet helpless sort of dork either. We're guessing that the annoying repeated capping of "DOM" is an indication our friend is desperate to act out a control fantasy that has something to do with being passed over for a manager position at the grocery store where he's a "professional" cashier.
Chance of Getting Laid: 38%
This is the sort of guy who quietly stewed his way through high school, managing to alienate any girl who bothered to talk to him. We don't see why a listing that gives off the same bitter vibe he does in person would make his chances any better.
"Cum With Me"
Desired Demo:
Masculine gay men under the age of 35
Quote:
"I'm a 33yo male ... I would like to find a MASCULINE male, under 35 ... I'm offering ot take you on a cruise to Hawaii (expenses paid for) with me that is round trip to LA."
What We Can Assume:
You want to know the last time a 33-year-old woman offered a young heterosexual man a $3,000 vacation for sex? Never. It just doesn't happen. So despite all the name calling, feelings of alienation and social discrimination, sometimes it is really, really awesome to be gay, like when you get extended a two-week Hawaiian vacation and cruise for a few hook-ups. Also, sometimes it's not that awesome to be straight, broke and desperately in need of a vacation.
Where It Went Wrong:
Honestly, the only thing wrong with this listing is that it evokes a great deal of envy amongst heterosexual males. The curious straight guy who happens upon this inquiry will inevitably ask themselves why they've been cursed with an attraction to the opposite sex when the best you can hope for in the women-for-men listings are 40-year-old single mothers looking to host dudes who enjoy big-bodied females at their mobile home.
Chance of Getting Laid: 97%
We're actually considering replying to this one. The only way this goes wrong is if he's full of shit and the cruise turns out to be a trip around the bay on his Uncle Remus' fishing boat.
"SODOMY"
Desired Demo:
Women who are attracted to cult-leader types.
Quote:
"Sodomy is the ultimate act of trust. You could really get hurt if you resist. But pushing past that fear, by passing through it, lite rally the joy that lies on the other side of convention ... If you're an atheist, you will get to know God experientially, from being fucked in the ass."
What We Can Assume:
Butt sex means a lot to this guy. Not many listings offer a spiritual experience, but the author of this one is doing just that. Photos of his torso display a muscular build, because no one wants to be reamed to a point where they "know God experientially" by someone who doesn't have a membership at Crunch.
Where It Went Wrong:
When the Archbishop of Ass-Nailing completely disregarded the fact that this is called Casual Encounters. The feeling you get after reading the listing is that an encounter with this guy is going to be anything but casual. In fact, it doesn't seem like a stretch to think his idea of foreplay includes some chanting and the sacrifice of a goat. However, it's good our anal missionary here is looking to convert nonbelievers using Craigslist. Taking his divine message door to door like a Mormon would be pretty creepy and probably illegal in most states.
Chance of Getting Laid: 52%
It's his unwavering belief that he should have anal sex with you versus your animal survival instinct. Really just a matter of whichever one gives out first.
