5 Mental Disorders That Can Totally Get You Laid

Foreign Accent Syndrome

This very rare condition arises as a result of a stroke or head trauma in which the brain's speech center is damaged, causing the sufferer to regain consciousness with a totally different accent. In addition, some people pick up a "bizarre intonation." We're not sure what this means, but we're guessing it's how you would sound if you tried to have a conversation while being enthusiastically fellated.

Will it get me laid?
Foreign accents immediately make you more interesting and exotic to the opposite sex, even if you're a fat, balding IT tech with a cubicle papered in Battlestar Galactica posters. The trouble is, you don't know which accent you're going to get. Some (Irish, for example) are business-class tickets to vaginatown, whereas others make you want to claw your own ears off and then eat them.

You could get lucky, like the lady who woke up speaking a strong Jamaican patois. Or, in a chilling worst-case scenario, you might end up like the woman who regained consciousness thinking she was French.

Jesus.

How do I get it?
From the cases we found online, the primary cause seems to be falling off motorbikes. As you'll see throughout this list, if our research is reliable--and we have no reason to suspect that a cursory scan of Wikipedia could be anything else-- then approximately 90 percent of interesting mental disorders happen this way. So, if you're in the mood for a change, and you're the kind of guy who likes fun surprises, just ride your bike into a truck and see what you wake up with.

Is it worth it?
Although some sufferers acquire specific dialects, most just end up with a "general foreign accent," which could make you sound like a brain-damaged Mrs. Doubtfire-type. Not sexy. However, the condition is usually short-lived, so go for it! What have you got to lose?

Ok, don't go for it.

Alien Hand Syndrome

It's otherwise known as Dr. Strangelove Syndrome, which should give you an idea of its symptoms. One hand appears to act independently of the rest of the sufferer's body, performing complex actions that are often in direct opposition to the person's intention. Your right hand, for example, might shake that of your girlfriend's father, while your left hand reaches around and gives him a cheeky pinch on his buttocks.

Due to its willfulness, sufferers tend to associate the hand with a specific personality, which is usually that of a total fucking dickhead.

Will it get me laid?
For a shy person, a rogue hand is an invaluable gift. Say a girl has been throwing you some subtle "bone me" signals that you've been too damn introverted to notice or believe. But your hand has noticed, and you watch in awe as its response leaves absolutely no room for doubt in the girl's mind that you are interested in commencing intercourse. To clinch the deal, you can now give her a line such as "Hey baby, do you know what my hand will be doing in 20 minutes? (cock eyebrow suggestively) Me neither!"

If that doesn't work (and let's face it, possessed limbs are often not the best judges of subtle moods), you've still got someone else's hand on the end of your arm. If you can persuade it that you love and respect it very much, and that your erogenous zone is not going to stimulate itself, you don't really need to get laid at all.

How do I get it?
Alien Hand Syndrome is caused by a particularly hardcore treatment for epilepsy in which a "doctor" surgically separates the two hemispheres of your brain. Due to its suicidal insanity, this operation can only be performed by a cackling madman in a lightning-lit castle at midnight. The lightning is important; on clear nights, a nurse is employed to switch the main light on and off really quickly.

Is it worth it?
It's your call. While the condition is rarely fatal, it can be very inconvenient. Are you a teacher? Better be careful. It only takes a few instances of "I swear it wasn't me! It was The Alien Hand" before the parents' association pays to have you arrested with unnecessary force. On the upside, you'll most likely get laid in prison.

Stendhal's Syndrome

Stendhal's Syndrome is a psychosomatic disorder that strikes when a person is exposed to too many beautiful or powerful objects in too short a space of time. Symptoms range from dizziness to full-blown psychosis. It can be triggered by famous works of art, areas of natural beauty and even entire cities; hence Jerusalem Syndrome ("Holy shit, I'm standing exactly where The Messiah once stood!") and Paris Syndrome ("Holy shit, I just paid $14 for a cup of coffee!").

Will it get me laid?
Without a doubt. The problem with most of these disorders is that you actually need to have them in order to reap their benefits. With Stendhal's Syndrome, you merely need the object of your arousal to think you have it. Just mention to your quarry that you suffer fits of dementia when exposed to overwhelming beauty, then look at his/her face and immediately crash convulsing to the floor, gibbering and foaming at the mouth. Maybe give the ground a couple of headbutts and chew off a portion of your tongue. Who isn't going to fall for that?

How can I get it?
If you want to experience the syndrome, Florence is the place to go. The author who it was named for, Stendhal, shat his mental gasket there in 1817 after spending too long staring at the Santa Croce frescoes. According to his memoirs, "Absorbed in the contemplation of sublime beauty ... I reached the point where one encounters celestial sensations ... I had palpitations of the heart...Life was drained from me," which makes you feel sorry for the poor bastard who had to mop the floor afterwards.

Is it worth it?
Oh, totally, guy. Aside from being retardedly romantic, Stendhal's Syndrome is also the only affliction on this list that can get you laid without you actually having it. If you're the honest sort who insist on really getting the disorder, the worst you'll have to suffer through is a trip to some grand city that will overwhelm your senses, which could also be accomplished by finding one of those 108-inch high-def TV's and popping in a BluRay disc full of boobs. Neither one sounds that bad.

Walking Corpse Syndrome

Walking Corpse Syndrome, otherwise known as Cotard's Syndrome, is a rare disorder in which the sufferers are convinced that they have died or otherwise ceased to exist. It was first described by neurologist Jules Cotard in 1880, but was only given scientific legitimacy in April 2007 when it featured in an episode of Dinosaur Comics.

Will it get me laid?
Not a lot, but there's a definite niche market opportunity here. You're a corpse, but you're still warm, which would make you extremely attractive to rheumatic necrophiles. If you made an ad on NDATE saying "I'm sprawled on my warm, comfortable sofa feeling dead and horny", you'd have sex-starved goths battering down your door.

How do I get it?
Cotard's Syndrome usually arises as a result of some other mental illness, but it can also be caused by brain injury. One victim developed the syndrome after (you guessed it) a motorcycle crash. His mother took him to South Africa to recover, where he was convinced that he had instead been taken to Hell. He arrived at this conclusion after noticing that everything had suddenly got hot, suggesting that Cotard may also be an abbreviation of COmplete reTARD.

Is it worth it?
The syndrome is associated with chronic depression, and the only conclusive cure is a heavy dose of electroconvulsive therapy - presumably to convince you that it's probably not heaven if "Jesus" keeps repeatedly tazering your head.

Synethesia

For synesthetes, the stimulation of one sense causes the automatic stimulation of another, resulting in the ability to taste shapes, see music, and countless other variations. One synesthete may perceive each letter of the alphabet as a different color; another may have entirely separate smells for each year in the calendar. So to that person, 1996 has a pleasant apple-like fragrance, whereas 1983 might smell like dicks.

Will it get me laid?
This is the motherlode, baby. Synesthesia has long been associated with high levels of creativity, and everybody knows that chicks get some heavyset boners for creative guys. Justin Chancellor from Tool has the condition, and he requires a snow plow to clear his driveway of boobies every morning. Richard James from Aphex Twin perceives music as colour, and girls perceive him as a walking penis. Pharrell Williams is the geekiest synesthete on the planet, yet as soon as he opens his front door, the sky above him is instantly filled with flocks of detached female underwear engaged in an urgent crotch-to-face migration.

How can I get it?
It's mainly hereditary, but you can trigger it if you overdose on psychedelic drugs. It can also be brought on as a consequence of deafness, or after a stroke. Basically, just go to a Tool concert. It is not necessary to be riding a motorbike while you do this, although that would be pretty fucking cool.

Is it worth it?
Synesthesia is more common than you think--up to 1 in 23 people have it- and it's largely harmless, although there can be a risk of sensory overload. In one form of synesthesia, every written word evokes a different taste, which can be distressing if you can't read your own mother's name without getting a mouthful of dog vomit and sprouts.