5 Movies Hollywood Needs to Stop Making Now
Elizabeth, Elizabeth I, Elizabeth: The Golden Age, The Queen Elizabeth, The Virgin Queen and The Queen. Why do we need so many movies about a representative figurehead who doesn't even do anything? If we really gave a shit about Queen Elizabeth, we wouldn't have fought and won the American Revolution. Enough already. Fuck.
How many movies do we need in which Braff plays a charmingly conflicted 20-something trying to figure out "what it all means" by staring sullenly at us from artful camera shots until he meets a girl who's vaguely "different" because she does wacky spontaneous stuff like yelling into canyons in the rain, all set to a soundtrack of last year's mainstream indie rock, which Braff clearly thinks is "edgy" despite the fact this life-changing music can probably also be found in a Toyota commercial?
These make me laugh so hard I become physically uncomfortable and if they do another-say, one in which Marlon pretends to be a hippopotamus in order to get a cheap land deal on the local zoo-I think my sternum might rip open, as it would be unable to contain the tidal waves of laughter surging from deep within my belly.
So Ray Romano is a squirrel who has to get a bag of nuts across Mean Old Farmer Frank's wheat field so his family can eat for the winter, and he only has Ollie the Ellen DeGeneres-sounding Turtle to help him get there and they have adventures and there are hijinks and light adult humor and they form unlikely friendships and who gives a fuck? It's no wonder kids are getting dumber.
