So You Knocked Her Up: A Child-rearing Guide
Sexual intercourse, we can all agree, is delectable. It is a beautiful and elegant slice of class smothered between two heaving, sweaty college freshmen.
But there is a dark side to the horizontal jog: STDs. Chief among these is a disease known to cause a large, screaming discharge and require nearly two decades of financial support. The illness, known on the street as "pregnancy," "bun in the oven," or, in South America, "a flesh tamalé," CAN be prevented, either through abstinence or an uninterrupted diet of alcohol and prescription medication. Still, nearly ninety percent of Americans will face this horrible affliction in their lifetimes.
Of course, having children isn't all bad (sorry, we're required to say that). But now that you've crapped out a post-placental want machine, here are some tips on minimizing the detrimental effects your new goblin will have on your heady, go-getter lifestyle.
TV: The Magical Robotic Parenting Machine
Look at them, they love it! That' right, good old TV, the same place you get hours of quality product placement, can also serve as an effective surrogate parent. Simply place the child in front of the set, turn it on, and patented Edutainment Gnomes will do the rest.
Well, not really, but explaining how it really works would take too much of my valuable time. The important point is, if you've got a late night at the office, a peace rally, or just need to play a few rounds of back-alley craps, your TV is ready, willing, and able to embrace your son or daughter in its loving, probably-eye-cancer-causing arms. With great kid' programs like Blue' Clues, Dora the Explorer, and that one with the mentally handicapped Aardvark, your kids will be well on their way to careers in counting to the number "6."
Note: Children will still require nourishment.
Child Obesity: If They Can't Move, They Can't Bother You
You see them all the time on Maury and Donahue: fat, fat children, barely able to lift that last buffalo wing to their fleshy maws. And we know what you're thinking: why not me? Well, believe it or not, you too can have the Shamu on the block. All you need is a little dedication, elastic diapers, and some pages from the Chunky Kidz™ recipe guide. Is your child sick of macaroni and cheese? Why not macaroni and cake batter? Carrot sticks not cutting it? Try a Twinkie or two with a little peanut butter smeared on the top…mmm, good.
The advantages of a fat baby are numerous. Besides always having a ready conversation piece, a fat baby can survive even the harshest of winters, if, say, one were to accidentally leave them under a bench at the park or in the crawlspace behind the downstairs bathroom. Even if forgotten at home during a long trip abroad, their luxurious coat of baby blubber provides both warmth and sustenance, either for them or the family dog, whichever goes insane with hunger first. A final warning for those going the fat baby route: massive, sloppy dumps are virtually unavoidable.
Anal caulking is strongly encouraged.
If All Else Fails, Smother Them... With Love
Children need love, and as much as they can get. Regardless of race, genetic background, or intellectual ability, nothing will aid the development of your baby more than your love. That's why you need to ram it so far down their filthy throats that they start farting rainbows. Really get it down there. Shake it into them, if necessary. Your love MUST transfer from you to your child if it is to feed off of your life force and leave you an empty husk collecting Social Security and reeking of imminent death.
Love them often, and with all of the intensity you can muster. Shout "I love you" into their ears while they sleep so that they dream of your warm embrace. Shave hearts into their wispy hair. Ignore them for hours on end, so that your brief moments of half-hearted affection seem grander by comparison. Whatever you do, fill your child' life with such a thick fog of love that it dies gasping for breath in its pink, stuffed-animal-laden crib. Figuratively, of course.
If you're still having trouble coping with the rigors of parenting, there are many fine books on the subject at your local library. That, or I know a guy. Either way, we here at CRACKED wish you a pleasantly distant and closed relationship with your new burden…I mean child.
