Sex-Off! Women of the '70s vs. Today

If you're like us, you yearn for a time when fondue, tennis and cognac ruled the social scene and the women were bra-less and easy. We're not talking about last Wednesday at Burt Reynolds' windowless Malibu chateau-we're talking about the 1970s. Not surprisingly, the women of that carefree, mustache-accepting decade were notably more attractive.

Why? Maybe it was the fact that their breasts were made of playfully droopy fat deposits rather than sacks of plastic, and their faces weren't stretched out and injected with horse semen (that's what Botox is, right?). Or maybe it's just the simple fact that cocaine hadn't really caught on yet. Either way, we conducted some scientific-ish research and proved indisputably that the women of the 1970s are tits and ass above the women of today.

During the 1970s, Bo Derek sent a strong, womanly message to men under 40: "Hey, why don't you jack off while you look at me?" And jack off they did. With four-inch-long nipples and the face of a sexy, whorish angel, Derek became a shower companion to men nationwide.

Lohan, however, fluctuates between 47 and 182 pounds, and her daily breakfast is usually a surprisingly accurate recreation of the last scene from Scarface. Oddly enough, she was a lot hotter back when she was 15. Yeah, we'd much rather bang the 15 year-old Lin-what? Nothing. Oh yeah-we were going to say that she also appears to be African-American from the waist down, and that's just weird.

WINNER: THE '70s

Admittedly, Simpson has perhaps the best body on the entire planet besides Las Vegas' Dean Cain. But that's a whole different article that also involves a long talk with mom and dad. Bach, on the other hand, has a noticeably les ample bosom and hair that looks like it hasn't been washed for seven to eight weeks.

That said, the most striking difference is their overall expression. Simpson's body language seems to say, "You come one step closer and I'll throw a shit-fit that concludes with my personal security director, Reginald, shoving half of the General Lee up your pee-hole." Bach's, in contrast, seems to say, "If you show me your penis, I will do literally anything you want me to do to it. And your pal Reginald can join in for an extra 10-spot."

WINNER: THE '70s

Now, you're probably saying to yourself, " Fast Times at Ridgemont High, the movie that skyrocketed Cates to T&A immortality, was released in 1982. That's not during the '70s!" Well, if you're a giant tool you're saying that. The point is, although the movie was indeed released in August of 1982, we're pretty sure that Cates' tits were just as fantastic 20 months earlier while it was still technically the '70s. Hell, they were probably better.

Cuthbert, who actually starred in a movie called The Girl Next Door, is ajnla akl xjkf-sorry, lost focus there for a second. Holy hell. But the reason Cuthbert's so scrum-diddily-umtious is because she actually looks like she's from the '70s. Feathered hair? Fur coat? Real boobies? It's impossible to deny that she is a time-traveling sex robot sent to show us what hot really is. Can you imagine how hard Judge Reinhold would have jacked it to her coming out of that pool? Pretty hard, that's how hard.

WINNER: THE '70s

Outside the constraints of this category, Kate Beckinsdale's hotness would crush the skulls of the rest of these women, assuming that they'd all be willing to fight each other to the death for an arbitrary sex-related victory on CRACKED.com.

But, unfortunately for Beckinsdale and the rest of Team 2000s, today's biggest female superhero is a lot like that goth chick who sat behind you in Chemistry and always looked like she was about to cry-masturbate on your back. Clearly, unlike real-life Beckinsdale, the goth look ain't terribly sexy. On the other hand, when looking at Carter's Wonder Woman, one feels like one has just walked in on one's friend's mom getting ready for some role-playing with her better half. And that, friends, gives one a boner.

WINNER: THE '70s

Say, are you aroused by women that are both bat-shit insane and boast IQs in Forrest Gump territory? Well, this is the category for you. Pretty much everyone with an Internet connection and a penis has actually seen Hilton mid-coitus. (Disturbingly enough, that probably includes your dad.) Suffice it to say, her performance was slightly underwhelming, especially the part where her billionaire chameleon skin turns all green. Still, she was naked, and that's pretty cool.

But now take a good long look at Farrah Fawcett-keeping in mind that she was able to satisfy the reddest-blooded American man in history, Lee Majors, for nine years of marriage-and you'll see the scientific truth: there's no way that Fawcett , in her prime, couldn't out-coitus Hilton. She is to carefree sex what Dean Cain is Las Vegas: incomprehensively awesome.

WINNER: THE '70s

It's a landslide, folks! The '70s win! Happy cock-touching!