6 Ways to Ruin a Perfectly Good Wedding
Are you so unhappy with your own lot in life that you can't be glad for those around you? Sure you are! And now that wedding season is officially upon us, you'll need some failsafe methods for ruining the special day of those morons who are always rubbing their goddamned happiness in your face. Well, look no further, emotional cripple-just take a page out of these pros' books.
Slap Your Wife in the Face
Look at all these people--laughing, dancing like mongoloids, enjoying themselves. Who the fuck do they think they are? And, why is your wife going along with all of this? She wants to spin, huh? Well, you'll send her for a fucking spin alright. Oh, and guess who couldn't spin fast enough: Miss Dancie Pants. Time for you-know-what... Okay, now let's get the spinning right this time. What? You don't want to dance anymore? Well, who's being a wet blanket now, crybaby? No, I will not calm down, Roger! Let go of me!
Talk About Your Alcoholic Uncle's Erectile Dysfunction
Nothing takes humorous banter among close friends too far better than bringing up serious medical issues. And if you need to further infuriate the lucky couple, make sure the horribly uncomfortable, morbidly cruel joking has absolutely nothing to do with them.
Who Needs Speeches When You Can Rap?
Some best men respond to their moment of truth by stammering uncontrollably, others use their nervous energy to propel them to great toasts, and still others rap Warren G songs in an insulting "Hey everybody look at me, I'm a white guy talking like a negro" voice. The only way this video could have been any more embarrassing is if the camera had panned over to show that the bride was black, and our rappin' groomsman was just trying to offer an authentic "welcome to the family sista'." Alas, she' just a white girl who looks appropriately ashamed of her new brother-in-law.
Perform Oral Sex on the Bride
Some weddings just don't incorporate enough sex-play. And if you're not going to do something about it, who will? As this clip demonstrates, flashing your ass first, then sticking your head up the bride's dress is a fantastic way to generally creep everyone out. But, the reverse order (oral first, ass-flash second) will work just as well. Also, you should probably have another cosmo just to be on the safe side.
Kung-Fu Kick the Bride in the Stomach
Whether you're participating in a televised wedding such as this one, or attending a normal wedding, there's simply no better way to utterly derail someone's special day than striking the bride with a vicious kung-fu style kick to the gut. It works on two levels. First, the concept of violence toward women is especially disquieting, and second, bystanders will be stunned by how perfectly executed your vicious kung-fu kick was. Also, feel free to throw a couple of follow-up punches to make sure your point got across, and consider also running across the room to kick someone else in the torso as long as the cat's out of the bag.
Roll Up on a Motorcycle and Body Slam the Bride
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Now, assaulting a bride on her wedding day is one thing, but preceding it by skidding to a halt atop a rad Kawasaki motorbike is decidedly more badass. If you're about to wail on some bride's ass, you don't want to arrive, say, on a Segway. And after all, you need to show her fiancÃÂé that you love him and that you also love the way that he stands idly by as his future wife is physically assaulted in her $5,000 dress. Two pieces of advice if you go with this wedding-ruining technique: Make sure you shave your head beforehand to avoid the savage hair-pulling, and also try to do this at a wedding where the bystanders won't find the physical violence so downright hilarious.
