The 5 Biggest Pricks in Congress
A Gallup poll last month put Congress' approval rating at 29 percent, which ties it with the President and puts both exactly two points behind AIDS in terms of popularity. This raises the question: Why does America loathe its elected officials so much?
Forgetting that whole "war" thing for a minute, you could make the argument that it's because most members of Congress are arrogant pricks who would rather toss Rosie O'Donnell's salad after a summer hike than do anything remotely kind, thoughtful or constructive for America. Cracked.com has singled out five of the most stubborn, abrasive, inconsiderate pricks on Capitol Hill that you should be keeping your eye on:
REP. JAMES SENSENBRENNER, JR. (R-WISCONSIN)
In a Nutshell
While some lawmakers like to develop a consistent world view and apply it to their governing duties, James Sensenbrenner enjoys a far more inventive approach to lawmaking-one that evidently involves a blindfold, a dartboard and a friend willing to spin him around.
Why He's a Prick
Among his more absurd positions, the hefty Wisconsinite thinks that broadcasters shouldn't face FCC regulations when they swear; instead, he believes that they should, like murderers and rapists, face criminal prosecution. After all, if there's one thing worse than raping or killing somebody, it's forcing grown adults to hear words like "shit-titties."(Use words like "fucking terrible" and "licks balls" in your Rise of the Silver Surfer review at your peril, bloggers. Sensenbrenner's on the case.)
Biggest Prick Moves
- Introducing the Patriot Act to the House in October 2001, effectively making it legal to shove coat hangers deep into the urethral tract of anyone remotely suspected of knowing someone who might know someone who is a terrorist (or, failing that, Kevin Bacon). The good news: Assuming they swore while you tortured them (a pretty safe bet), you could throw them in jail.
- An already rich man with a net worth of about $10 million, Sensenbrenner won $250,000 on a lottery ticket in 1998.
SEN. ROBERT BYRD (D-WEST VIRGINIA)
In a Nutshell
Like many other politicians, Robert Byrd made a few indiscrete and youthful mistakes. He once drank a beer while under the legal drinking age. He took his father's car for a drive a few times without asking. Oh, and he served as the Exalted Cyclops of his local Ku Klux Klan chapter. You know, typical dumb teenager stuff.
Why He's a Prick
To his credit, since his involvement with the Klan in the 1940s, when he wrote letters discussing "this beloved land of ours degraded by race mongrels," Byrd has apologized hundreds of times. So the next time you pause to consider that one of America's senators once led the Matoaka, West Virginia, chapter in recruitment drives and hate rallies, remember that he said he was sorry.
Biggest Prick Move
- Filibustering for 14 hours against the Civil Rights Act of 1964. Old habits die hard?
Don't miss the first page full of Congressional pricks!
REP. DON YOUNG (R-ALASKA)
In a Nutshell
Don Young is a buffoon who's constantly trying to steal money from the federal government, but is too obnoxiously stupid to get away with it.
Why He's a Prick
When he's not misquoting Lincoln, brandishing an 18-inch walrus penis on the House floor (yes, he did this), or directing hundreds of millions of federal dollars to roads bearing his name, he's just generally being a total ass. One gem: "Environmentalists are a self-centered bunch of waffle-stomping, Harvard-graduating, intellectual idiots." After all, if there's one thing our senators should be teaching the children of tomorrow, it's that graduating from college and being intelligent is for hippie fags.
Biggest Prick Moves
- Earmarking $223 million in federal funding for an enormous-and egregiously unnecessary-bridge connecting the small Alaskan city Ketchikan to Gravina Island, which boasts a population of-drumroll-50 people.
- When questioned by House members why he'd removed a limiting of carbon emissions from a bill, Young claimed that it was unnecessary, because Greenland is already cooling down (it' not; Greenland's ice loss doubled between 1996 and 2005), that it' not America' fault it needs to burn more oil, since it' so darn big (China' also pretty big, and it burned 7 million barrels last year to the USA' 20.6), and that the polar bear population is increasing (it' actually due to be placed on the Endangered Species list later this year). Take-away point: Don Young has no problem making up shit to support whatever he feels like doing. That' a skill they simply don't teach at them fancy Harvard intellectual schools.
REP. ROY BLUNT (R-MISSOURI)
In a Nutshell
The House Minority Whip has a thing for easy-to-nail lobbyists, it seems, having left his wife for one in 2003.
Why He's a Prick
Dumping wives for younger models is almost expected from our nation's leaders. What makes it extra-prickish in this case: His new boo is a lobbyist for Altria, the big tobacco company that used to go by the name Philip Morris. Plus, Blunt's connection with Altria officials isn't limited to the area between his knees and his belly button-they're his single biggest contributor, and he, in turn, sponsors Altria-friendly legislation. Blunt's looking out for the interests of all of those poor, tobacco-deprived kids in Missouri, presumably.
Biggest Prick Move
- Voting to reduce the waiting period for gun buyers from 72 to 24 hours. Add this to his encouragement that you enjoy the crisp Virginia taste of tobacco, and basically, this guy would really just prefer it if you died.
DICK CHENEY (R-PRES. OF SENATE)
In a Nutshell:
Oh, snap! You were expecting William Jefferson , weren't you? Well, he's certainly the most corrupt, but that's a lot different from being a prick. Not only does the Vice President act as the President of the Senate, but he's also the president of behaving like a giant penis.
Why He's a Prick
A brief recap of Mr. Cheney's time as our nation's second highest ranking public servant: While the CEO of Haliburton, he was put in charge of a committee to find the best candidate for Vice President, then took advantage of the half-wit who appointed him to that committee and gave himself the job. Once in office, he helped start a war now widely regarded as unnecessary, scoffed when asked if his $18 million in Haliburton stock options represented a conflict of interests, used the war to award Haliburton $11 billion in contracts, smirked during the State of the Union while the President suggested we become less reliant on foreign oil, shot one friend in the face, got another convicted of perjury and told a room full of grown men to go fuck themselves. That, my friends, is how you run a motherfucking Senate.
Biggest Prick Move
- This one time, he was the driving force behind the invasion of this other country, and, well, it didn't go too hot. We think it might have been in the news or something.
