Cracked's Oscar Rundown (Part One)
It's never an easy choice to carefully analyze five performances and choose a winner. It's certainly not one made any easier if, like me, you didn't bother to actually see any of the films up for nomination. I gave it my best shot to Netflix some of them, but a lot aren't out on video yet, and the ones that were out were... fucking boring. So I watched Batman Begins again instead. Consequently, my strategy for picking for this year's projected Oscar winners was two-fold. First, the winners had to follow a stringently adhered-to elimination process: A) Did the film's poster look cool? B) Any tits? and B) Was Batman in it?* Second, I got my girlfriend Karla to write all the actress categories, on the grounds that she'd be better at it, but really because a can of french onion soup could win Best Actress for all I care. * Obviously extra points were awarded to films that showcased all three criteria: having posters showing Batman with tits on them. Or would have been awarded, had any film bothered to meet these criteria, the idiots. |
Jay: Alright, that should get you up to speed. Without further delay, our picks for the 2006 Academy Awards. Karla: And the nominees are... |
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Philip Seymour Hoffman, Capote Hoffman is author Truman Capote, investigating the Kansas heartland murders that led to his famous book "Fuck-Bandits In My Pants VIII: Deadly Thunder." |
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Terrence Howard, Hustle & Flow Howard plays DJay, a small-time pimp with big-time dreams of winning gold at the International Pimp Olympics. But can he overcome his demons in time? |
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Heath Ledger, Brokeback Mountain Ledger portrays Ennis Del Mar, a Wyoming cowboy who spends the better part of his life wondering: Was that a roll of dimes in his pocket? Or was Jake Gyllenhaal just happy to see him? |
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Joaquin Phoenix, Walk the Line Hairlipped Phoenix plays the conspicuously non-hairlipped Johnny Cash, striving to overcome a country western singing career to triumph as a wife-beating drug user. |
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David Strathairn, Good Night, and Good Luck Strathairn is Edward R. Murrow, and doesn't have a snowball's chance in hell of winning this, so let's pretend he played a crime-fighting astronaut who could fart love-grenades. |
WHO OUGHTTA WIN Jay: Philip Seymour Hoffman. He puts his middle name in everything. Anyone with three names is destined to win an Oscar. Karla: You're thinking of assassinating the President. Jay: Whatever. Your pick? Karla: Heath Ledger. If there's one thing liberal Hollywood likes better than nominating homosexual leading men, its rubbing a big ol' win in conservative America's face. Jay: I'm changing my answer. Christian Bale, Batman Begins. Homo-erotic leading men go down a lot smoother with bat-karate and rampaging bat-themed supertanks. |
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Dame Judi Dench, Mrs Henderson Presents Dench plays a woman who renovates an old London theater in order to put on all-nude reviews. (And yes, my penis just retracted into my abdomen thinking about that. -Jay) |
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Felicity Huffman, Transamerica Huffman portrays Bree Osborne, a man who’s not yet a woman, but already a father. Huffman is up for the award for having the guts to be really fucking ugly on screen. (And again: Penis. Abdomen. Zoot! -Jay) |
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Reese Witherspoon, Walk the Line Witherspoon pauses in her busy schedule of throwing half-empty cans of Pabst at effete husband Ryan Phillipe just long enough to warble "Ring of Fire" and wipe Joaquin Phoenix's spittle off her face. |
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Charlize Theron, North Country Theron plays Josey Aimes, a female coal miner who filed the first successful sexual harassment suit in U.S. history. A heavily fictionalized account, since girls are notoriously bad at "mining coal," if you know what I mean. (I mean ass sex). |
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Keira Knightley, Pride & Prejudice As Elizabeth Bennet, Knightley's tightly corseted form did an outstanding performance in Jane Austen's heartwarming date movie, I'm Going to This Because You Promised Me a Blowjob. |
WHO OUGHTTA WIN Karla: Oscar loves it when pretty girls get all fat and uggo for a statue. Since Charlize only got a little dusty, Felicity Huffman should take it for portraying the ass-ugliest woman-playing-a-man-playing-a-woman in history. Look for Witherspoon's Ryan Phillipe to moistly pout and glower at the camera after the announcement. Jay: You're so good at this. See, I told you you'd be able to offer a perspective on the female categories that I'd be unable to. Karla: You just don't care, do you? Jay: I'm far too drunk to answer that question. Karla: Your pick? Jay: Cillian Murphy, Batman Begins. Not technically a woman in the genitals-sense. But he can act the shit out of Dame Judi Dench, and he's so, so pretty.
Your tender eyes make my fluttering heart soar, Cillian. Your gaze is like a rainbow that ends in my pants. Karla: This explains so much. Jay: Oh Cillian... |
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George Clooney, Syriana Clooney portrays a CIA agent who uncovers that America will do just about anything to protect its oil interests, and his boots fly off his feet across the room because that's so shocking. |
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Matt Dillon, Crash Dillon plays a racist cop that actually needed to be made more racist in the script, so as to better reflect Dillon's all-consuming hatred of black people everywhere. |
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Paul Giamatti, Cinderella Man Giamatti portrays... well, if the photo on the left in any indication, some manner of enormous pink gopher. The gopher trains a boxer to inspiring victory in Depression-era New York. |
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Jake Gyllenhaal, Brokeback Mountain Gyllenhaal plays Jack Twist, a cowboy who falls in love with another man and, if Gene Shalit is to be believed, violently preys upon him before eating him homosexually. |
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William Hurt, A History of Violence Since Hurt has about as much a chance of winning as Strathairn, let's say he plays a... salsa-dancing pleasure-bot from the year 2026, whom a young boy befriends and teaches to love. |
WHO OUGHTTA WIN Karla: Jake Gyllenhaal, if only to make life a living hell for every Oscar-covering journalist who now has to properly spell this fuckhead's last name thirty times in one article. Jay: A seven-way tie between Gary Oldman (Batman Begins), Ken Watanabe (Batman Begins), Michael Caine (Batman Begins) , Morgan Freeman (Batman Begins) , Liam Neeson (Batman Begins) and Batman's Car (Batman Begins).
Oh, Batman's Car. Your gaze is like a rainbow that ends in my pants. |
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