The Japanese invented reliable automobiles, robots that look like dogs and most of the more interesting sex acts on the web. But how well do they do costumes? To find out we strapped on our favorite web browser and scoured what the online Japanese costume world had to offer. We were not disapointed.
Full Body Costumes
From the world famous "Party Costume" line of party costumes, we have here a bodysuit patterned with what appears to be one of those Magic Eye things. "Don't focus on my ass. Focus through it."
We feel the need to point out that we didn't photoshop this, although clearly, this is exactly the kind of thing we'd photoshop were we inclined to create a monkey costume with an obscenely large sack and a tiny penis.
On a related note, if any of our readers work for a charitable organization, we'd be willing to bet that the "monkey with an enormous ball sack and tiny penis costume" might just be the hot new successor to those rubber Livestrong bracelets.
Translation: "I eat and live in your poo!"
Nothing says "I love the US of A!" and "man camel toe" like an American Flag bodysuit.
If you ever wanted to connect your head to your penis like some insane M.C. Escher drawing, this Halloween, consider the Mobius Giraffe.
Masks
Here' a giraffe, wearing a nice yellow collared shirt. Plaid too. Guess he couldn't afford the bottom half of the giraffe costume, so he wore the yellowiest thing he could find.
The closer you look at the way the mouth is hanging open like that, the more you have to wonder if we've stumbled upon an outfit for an unusually specialized type of fetish.
This might be the most racist thing we've ever seen.
This is either a Japanese version of Homer Simpson or a brave samurai warrior, battling his most dangerous opponent yet: jaundice.
This is sort of what we'd imagine a holiday film by Quentin Tarantino would look like.
Dasher: "Have you ever given a guy a foot massage?"
Blitzen: "Fuck You."
Translation: "We have won a Super Baseball Tournament! Now to celebrate with a ritualized act of group sex!"
One, it' a tail, not an enormous ropy piece of poo. So get your mind out of the gutter. Also note the lack of massive testicles, making this statistically the most wholesome monkey costume in this article.
Translation: "Rub me against women!"
This eggplant clearly has somewhere to be, so we won't keep him.
In Japan, Spiderman wears black, not red, and his great powers inspire no great responsibility within him. Actually, he spends most of his time using his incredible abilities to molest women on commuter trains.
We were a little torn about whether to use this picture or not, as the model is clearly not Japanese. We decided to include it, and a few others, simply because they were too ridiculous to pass up. Our favorite part of this one is the cocksure look on the guy' face. "Yes, that is the lower body of a swan ballerina, thank you for noticing. My skull is an enigmatic and magical being, and has a complicated back-story and creation mythology. I would be happy to explain it to you over coffee, or perhaps a drink sometime."
The next logical step after a swan ballerina on your head is of course a swan ballerina around your crotch, here inexplicably modeled by a 13 year-old boy. It' been awhile since we were that age, but we can't imagine this costume doing a kid any favors if any of his friends saw him in it. As we've seen time and again, 13 can be a pretty tough age for a boy, especially when you have legs like a goddamned woman.
And finally, we have the last costume from Japan. And we don't mean the last costume in this article, or the last costume wefound. We mean the last costume ever. The Omega Costume. Over the course of researching this article, we discovered that the huge amount of heroically retarded costumes we saw were only incremental steps of the development process of the Japanese Costume industry. Incremental steps that led to this, the greatest costume to ever exist:
Chris Bucholz is a Contributing Editor at Cracked Magazine, and writer of the hilarious blog Robotman!
