How To Do Your Taxes (Like You F#@king Mean It)

For most Americans, filing income taxes is a confusing process. But does it have to be?

"Yes, it does," say leading tax experts. They're liars. What the fat cats down at H&R Block don't want you to know is that a dog could file taxes. If you want to throw your money away, that's your business. But if you're not a moron, keep reading for how to get big-money cash payouts on your tax return.

Part 1: Your Name and Address

Remember how I said a dog could file taxes? Check it out: all you have to do in this first section is put your name and address down.

Hope you didn't break a sweat there. Naw, I'm just fuckin' around. Seriously, though, next time you drive by an H&R Block, throw your goddamn shoe at their window or something. Can you believe those assholes?

Part 2: Income

Okay, now the battle of wills begins. The IRS's job is to be as nosy as possible, hoping you'll show your hand. What your job is, is to grow a pair of goddamn balls and decide early on what the IRS needs to know, and what, last time you checked, is none of their goddamn business.

This is different for everybody. A lot of big morons, for example, don't mind telling the IRS every little detail of their private lives, like their panty size and where they buy their pretty little dresses. Others of us feel, quite rightly, that our various financial comings and goings are none of the IRS's concern, and that since we aren't living in Communist Russia, they can write down what we goddamn tell them and smile when they do it if they know what's good for them.

In Line 1 our sample form I've put down $1.00 as my total wage for the year. Now, I actually made quite a bit more than this--but because the majority of my earnings was from selling cocaine, I obviously would rather the government wasn't aware of this. Similarly, where the IRS has asked for total taxable interest in Line 2, I wrote a calm but decisive "No," as I had no idea what they were even talking about, and it's not the government's job to make me feel stupid.

In Line 3, we have been asked if we would like unemployment compensation and Alaska Permanent Fund dividends. Sounded good to me. I put "Yes" for this; you can too.

Line 4 requests that we add all the previous lines together, and again, your answer should be a firm "No." I have no idea where the IRS gets off assigning pointless busy-work like this, but if you're like me you could be making a lot more money selling cocaine than sitting around adding up lines like a dumb kid. Your goddamn time's money and this is something they could easily do themselves. Remember: A) our taxes pay their goddamn salaries, and B) of any of us, they're the most likely people to have a calculator on hand. Let them know you're leaving the bean-counting to the bean-counters, and don't be afraid to liberally sprinkle the word "faggot" around if you feel it helps get your point across.

At this point I became bored with Section 2 entirely and drew a picture of Kevin Costner. I recommend you do the same.

Part 3: Big-Money Cash Payouts

Finally we get to the good part: the big cash-money payouts. Remember that because we decided not to disclose our income earlier, the size of our refund is more of a friendly suggestion to the IRS than a concrete number.

Let's skip ahead to the Refund section. You'll hear a lot of whiny jerks talking about how difficult this part is, but it's actually dirt simple. Line 11a, for instance, tells us that if line 9 is larger than line 10, we'll get a refund. I don't know what ballerina school the weak-armed nancies who complain about taxes went to, but where I come from, making one number smaller than another is retard-simple. In line 10, I put $200,000. In line 9, $100,000.

This gives me a big-money cash payout of $100,000. You can do less or more depending on how big a refund you'd like. Just remember to make line 10 more than 9. Again: not rocket science.

Lines 7 and 8, just put "No" again. As for all your banking info, this looks suspiciously like a scam to me. They got our address, and last time I checked the post office wasn't broken. Firmly tell them to mail you your check, but be nice about it. After all, they're sending you money. If you chose to call the IRS a bunch of faggots before, now would be a good time to write an apology in the margin.

In the Third Party Designee section, we're asked if we want another person to discuss our return with the IRS. That's just crazy. If you want your neighbors or co-workers gabbing it up with the IRS about how much money you're getting, that's your business. Me, I checked "No." Fuck them. My refund is my business.

See how easy that was? The next time some H&R Block stooge tells you taxes are hard, sock 'em in the goddamn jaw and tell them they're probably a moron or something. Then fan out your refund in front of them like Ted Dibiase, and offer 'em a hundred dollars to wipe away their tears with (but don't really give it to them). Then just sit back till next year, basically.

Since his time at Cracked.com, Jay Pinkerton has helped write the two Left 4 Dead games, and the Team Fortress updates. He is currently helping Eric Wolpow write the Portal sequel. Check out his past looks at nude free fall strategy and why John Rambo is the biggest badass ever captured on film. Or lose an entire day to JayPinkerton.com