What Your Girlfriend's Hollywood Crush Says About You
So, you're in a happily committed relationship, right? And you're certain that your girlfriend is really into you, right?
Or maybe-just maybe-you're not that certain. Luckily, you can tell a lot about a girl by her movie star crushes. "My girlfriend doesn't have one of those," you might be saying. Uh huh. Just for fun, go take a look through her DVD collection. Do you notice how there are eight films starring James Spader? Connect the dots, dude.
Below, we've provided a handy list of Hollywood studs; why your lady fantasizing about them is a blessing in disguise; and why it might not be, either.
Jude Law
Why
It Bodes Well
Apparently hairlines are no longer a prerequisite for your girlfriend'
affection. This is definitely a good sign for any man who' woken
up next to a clump of his own hair. Also, he' notorious for having
cheated on his wife.
Why You're Screwed
Okay, so you've got balding covered. Now you just have to get hot,
rich, famous and British-and how hard can that be?
Oh. That hard? Shit. Plus, the fact that he' a cheater probably makes your girlfriend realize that she'd have a shot at a one-night stand with him. Double shit.
Colin Farrell
Why
It Bodes Well
If she admits that she likes Colin Farrell, she' pretty much admitting
that it' okay to get really drunk and throw a phone at her.
Why You're Screwed
We've actually looked into this and no-no, she really isn't
admitting that at all.
Orlando Bloom
Why
It Bodes Well
He' noted for playing roles as swashbuckling heroes in film franchises
like The Lord of the Rings and Pirates of the Caribbean,
which we're pretty sure serves as tacit approval of you skipping
out on your anniversary dinner to play World of Warcraft. Plus, what'
hotter than your 11th level Druid Mage in Dungeons & Dragons?
Why You're Screwed
Um, just about everything' hotter than your 11th level Druid Mage
in Dungeons & Dragons. Also, even you have to admit that you'll
never be quite as attractive as Orlando. It' best if, every time
he pops on screen, you just point out that he' prettier than your
girlfriend and let jealousy do its thing.
Jake Gyllenhaal and/or Heath Ledger
Why
It Bodes Well
They starred in Brokeback Mountain, which pretty much makes them
gay, doesn't it?
Why You're Screwed
Whoops. Nope, it doesn't make them gay at all. It just makes you
insensitive and homophobic for thinking it. And now you're probably
going to have to make out with some dude just to prove that you're
not. On a happier note, this can now be your excuse if your girlfriend
catches you making out with some dude.
George Clooney
Why
It Bodes Well
He' getting up there in years, and as Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson
have proven in recent years, a few too many years as a Hollywood heartthrob
makes a man snap like a slice of dry toast.
Why You're Screwed
He actually seems to have his shit together, so it seems unlikely that
he'll be jumping on couches or ranting about how much he hates Jews.
But still, fingers crossed!
Adrien Brody
Why
It Bodes Well
Seriously, Adrien Brody? He looks like Paul Reubens if you broke his nose
a couple of dozen times. Honestly now, can you really say you're
not hotter than Adrien Brody? If not, are you honestly certain you have
a girlfriend?
Why You're Screwed
He' rich, famous and talented, and your girlfriend will insist
that he' "interesting-looking." And this is all true.
But still, Adrien fucking Brody?
Matthew McConaughey
Why
It Bodes Well
Having a crush on a man composed entirely of bong resin probably means
getting stoned every day is A-OK in your girlfriend' book. Plus,
doesn't he sound just a little bit stupid and redneckish? You could
take him if it came to it. At bar trivia.
Why You're Screwed
In spite of his hemp poncho-and-bongos appearance, he actually seems pretty
intelligent, which makes you and your dropped-out-of-community-college-to-smoke-pot
life seem almost inadequate somehow.
Leonardo DiCaprio
Why
It Bodes Well
He' apparently fallen into the habit-popularized by Benicio
Del Toro-of looking a little bit more like a toad every day. By
the time he' 35, he'll have his own wild ride at Disneyland.
Why You're Screwed
If you squint really hard, he still looks like the guy from Titanic,
which-as anyone knows-is a powerful industrial-strength lubricant
specifically designed to open squeaky, rusty, clamped-shut thighs.
James Dean
Why
It Bodes Well
From one end of the spectrum to the other, James Dean is dead. And not
even still-warm dead. We're talking lonnnnng dead.
Why You're Screwed
Because he died young, he'll never follow the same downward spiral
faced by such former heartthrobs as Marlon Brando and Harrison Ford. Oh,
and you. You're getting a little soft around the edges there, fatty.
Tobey Maguire
Why
It Bodes Well
There' no nice way to put this: the guy' kind of a nerd.
And if your girlfriend' into nerds"¦ well, there' no
nice way to put this: you're also kind of a nerd.
Why You're Screwed
He' exactly the kind of Nerdy Nice Guy your girlfriend always said
she wanted to date before she went through her Bad Boy phase. You know,
that phase she had right up until she met you, where she slept with a
couple of dozen junkies before "settling down with a nice guy"
(read: stopped having awesomely freaky dirty sex).
Brad Pitt
Why
It Bodes Well
He' sleeping with Angelina Jolie, which according to the Hepatitis-O-Meter,
makes him a prime candidate for all kinds of STDs.
Why You're Screwed
Most STDs are curable these days, and the ones that aren't can be
dealt with by ignoring them. At least, according to your slutty girlfriend
they can. Really, what do you see in her?
Taye Diggs
Why It Bodes Well
Sure, he' attractive, well built and has no real known character
flaws. And yeah, maybe he' rich and famous. I suppose all of that'
alright if you're into that sort of thing.
Why You're Screwed
Face it, you're pretty much screwed.
