The Top 10 Secret Celebrity Scientologists

#8: BECK: SCIENTOLOGIST

Best Known For: being in possession of two turntables and a microphone; being able to identify a good drum break; being the hippest white boy in the room.

Why You Wouldn't Expect Him To Be a Scientologist: The Reverend of Electric Soul, genre-hopping creator of esoteric and complex albums--doesn't Beck seem a bit too ironically hip to believe in something as goddamn ridiculous as Scientology without putting quote gestures around it and talking about it through a voice synthesizer first?

While he never came out about his beliefs until 2005, Beck is actually a second-generation Scientologist; there are a multitude of conspiracy theories online that both he and his record label tried to conceal his Scientologist leanings for most of his career. Clearly the label didn't want anybody to think that Beck, a 100-pound Fraggle who writes acoustic guitar raps about plastic eyeballs spray-painting vegetables, was weird or anything.

Connections: Beck's mother was the midwife for the birth of pasty-faced actor/second generation Scientologist Giovanni Ribisi (The Mod Squad, Saving Private Ryan) and his twin sister Marissa.

Beck is now married to Marissa, the mother of his son "Cosimo Henri." As of this writing they're expecting another one, who'll probably get an even more retarded name, if that's possible. (See also: Jason Lee's son "Pilot Inspektor Riesgraf Lee"; "Suri")

Presumed Operating Thetan Level: 7 or higher (able to audit self and "address the primary cause of amnesia"; according to Wikipedia, graduation from this level requires a $100,000 payment)

#7: GRETA VAN SUSTEREN: SCIENTOLOGIST

Best Known For: being a legal expert for CNN and FOX; covered the O.J. Simpson trial; host of Burden of Proof and On the Record with Greta Van Susteren.

Why You Wouldn't Expect Her To Be a Scientologist: Well, she has an education, for one, and by all accounts was a pretty good lawyer. Second, she's on the FOX network, which tends to put tree-huggin' Democrats ahead of Scientology's foe, the cursed space pirate Xenu, on their Most Wanted Lists.

Connections: Her husband John "Bhopal" Coale represented Lisa Marie Presley (Scientologist) in her divorce. Lisa Marie is of course the daughter of Elvis Presley, who enjoyed eating ham a lot (below; ham's religious affiliations unknown).

The law firm owned by Van Susteren and her husband has also brought a lawsuit against Wellspring, a cult recovery facility, for reasons unclear, since Scientology is so obviously not a cult at all. (Note to Scientologists: please don't sue.)

Presumed Operating Thetan Level: We're not sure about Van Susteren, but her husband is a level 8, the highest level currently available (can only be achieved while on a boat at sea; seriously, we are not making this shit up).

#6: DANNY MASTERSON: SCIENTOLOGIST

Best Known For: his Jewfro'd stoner Hyde character from That '70s Show.

Why You Wouldn't Expect Him To Be a Scientologist: Masterson played the only bearable character in a show consisting of smirking human skeleton Topher Grace, face-punchable douchebag Ashton Kutcher and functionally retarded ethnic stereotype (and Lindsey Lohan despoiler) Wilmer Valderrama. Masterson's the only guy in that cast that we don't actually want to strangle to death, and that's taking into account that he probably spends at least two embarrassing hours a day "sideburn-grooming."

But, alas, it's true. In his own words: "I have always been in Scientology my entire life. Each service in Scientology is something I have added to my toolbox of data for living." In December 2005, Masterson helped promote the gala opening of Scientology's controversial "Psychiatry: An Industry of Death" Museum. You know, for the kids.

Connections: Laura Prepon, the red-headed masturbatory aid from That '70s Show, was brought into the Scientology fold by Danny and his brother Christopher (troublemaker Francis on Malcolm in the Middle) after Laura and Christopher started dating. Frankie Muniz has so far not been asked to participate, putting his Thetans at considerable risk. On the plus side, Frankie Muniz has not been asked to participate in something.

Presumed Operating Thetan Level: unknown; can perhaps be found in his high-tech data toolbox

#5: ISAAC HAYES: SCIENTOLOGIST

Best Known For: The theme song to Shaft; playing Chef on South Park.

Why You Wouldn't Expect Him To Be a Scientologist: Who's a sex machine to all the chicks? Not Isaac Hayes, unless they're at least level 4.

Okay, this entry's sort of cheating, since after Hayes' public dismissal from South Park last year over the show's offensive portrayal of Scientology, pretty much everyone's aware of Isaac's Xenu-battling ways at this point. Still, though: motherfucker wrote the theme song from Shaft! Come on!

Rumors abound that Hayes was forced by Scientology overlords to quit South Park after the infamous "In the Closet" episode. Whew! Good thing it's not a cult, though! (Don't sue.)

Connections: The other three black Scientologists, who remain shrouded in mystery.

Presumed Operating Thetan Level: the baddest mother-- "Shut your mouth!" "I'm just talkin' 'bout Operatin' Thetan Levels!" "Then we can dig it."

#4: BART SIMPSON: SCIENTOLOGIST

Best Known For: Okay, it's technically Nancy Cartwright, the voice of Bart Simpson

Why You Wouldn't Expect Her To Be a Scientologist: Don't have an Engram, man! Of all people to believe in crazy shit L.Ron Hubbard cooked up on a sailboat while knocking back Coronas, we wouldn't have pegged the voice of Bart Simpson. Cartwright says she learned about Scientology in her acting class in 1988. It's frankly mind-boggling that she could have somehow heard about this in a place where people who can't act get in a group to act like trees and believe anything their teacher tells them.

Connections: Mr. Burns? Bumble Bee Man? LENNY????

Presumed Thetan Level: Four (self-"auditing"; gives one the ability to talk like an eight-year-old boy and produce catchphrases that wind up on t-shirts)

#3: SONNY BONO: SCIENTOLOGIST

Best Known For: being Cher's ex-husband; being a Republican congressman; not wearing a helmet when skiing

Why You Wouldn't Expect Him To Be a Scientologist: Back in the Sonny & Cher days, you totally would have pegged the diminutive, fringe-wearing Bono as the sort of vacuous, henpecked sucker to get roped into a fruity Hollywood cult.

But after he went all Catholic Republican in the '90s, he allegedly put all that hippy nonsense behind him. However, several sources claim he kept close ties with the Scientologist Church until his death, consulting members frequently on both personal and political issues. That's reassuring.

He was also quoted as saying: "My only sorrow is that L. Ron Hubbard left before I could thank him for my new life," in a full-page ad featured in several newspapers after Elron's death.

Connections: Widow and replacement congresswoman Mary Bono has also taken Scientology courses. Bono was introduced to Scientology by Mimi Rogers (who was also responsible for inducting football player John Brodie, and of course, Tom Cruise.)

Presumed Thetan Level: Slalom

#2: JERRY SEINFELD: SCIENTOLOGIST

Best Known For: Seinfeld; questioning the "deal" with airline peanuts; drilling a minor

Why You Wouldn't Expect Him To Be a Scientologist: Cynical Jewish comedians are better known for having issues with their mothers and getting their laundry back from the dry cleaners than worrying why the Galactic Confederacy blew up a bunch of volcanoes, dooming us all to centuries of terror. Also: he's Jewish. We're pretty sure religion doesn't advertise two-for-one specials.

Still, while Seinfeld claims not to be an adherent, "I took a couple courses a number of years ago that I thought were fabulous. I learned a lot and I had a good experience with it. I think the stuff I learned there really did help me a lot." He's also dismissed articles questioning Scientology as "poor journalism." Let that be a lesson to journalists everywhere, from the mouth of Seinfeld himself: stop questioning things.

Connections: Nothing we can prove. But Michael "N-Word" Richards could probably use whatever well-funded stealth Scientology PR team's keeping Tom Cruise's career afloat right about now.

Presumed Thetan Level: What's the deal with all these levels? Has anyone else noticed this?

#1: CHARLES MANSON: SCIENTOLOGIST

Best Known For: viciously murdering people, ordering people to viciously murder other people; carving swastikas into his forehead

Why You Wouldn't Expect Him To Be a Scientologist: One of the biggest lunatics in American history is actually precisely who we'd expect to be down on the ground with psychotic theories about aliens and immortal spirits. But here's the kicker: Manson took over 150 hours of Scientology courses, rejected it as too crazy, and then went on to murder a whole bunch of people.

We're just saying.

Connections: Peter "Big Gunner" Skinner, the guard he supplies cigarettes to so he can avoid getting raped all the time.

Presumed Thetan Level: Batshit insane, but knows total bullshit when he sees it.