Failed Celebrity Auditions for Proactive Commercials
Don't believe what US Weekly tells you: Celebrities aren't like us at all. Do you have a Perrier bidet in your bathroom? Does your son think the Oedipal complex means wanting to fuck the nanny and kill your bodyguard? Do you go out on the weekends looking to have a low key night and wake up the next morning half engorged in Mischa Barton? Actually, that last one only proves that you know someone in a rock band, but for the most part, celebrities' lives don't come close to resembling yours. Except in one important way.
No matter how rich and famous they are, they also get disgusting, pus-filled pimples all over their faces. Lucky for them, Proactive works! And lucky for us, celebrities get paid obscene amounts of money to talk about it on TV. Through insightful, thought provoking infomercials, we've seen stars such as Jessica Simpson and P Diddy remove unsightly warts to once again return to a life worthy of a VH1 reality show.
CRACKED recently managed to get our hands on some audition tapes of Proactive-using celebrities that failed their auditions for their own Proactive commercials. See if you can figure out why!
John Goodman
I remember I was on the set of Roseanne, and Rosie, that' what she demanded I call her, said, 'DANNNN,' in that whiney voice of hers, and I said, 'No Rosie, it' only Dan on the show, my real name is John.' And she was like, 'DAAAAN, get rid of those pimples or I'm going to replace you with Andrew Dice Clay,' who was a popular comedian at the time. And I said, 'But Rosie, I've had these pimples on my face ever since I was a child and nothing works.' And then Becky, I don't remember which one, there were two of them, I think it was the first one, handed me this bottle of Proactive, and it changed my life forever. Now, I only have pimples on the spots above my crotch I can't reach because my stomach is in the way. Thanks Proactive, you saved my career!
Mo'Nique
Hey, Proactive, I've got a story for you! Now we all know that fat is beautiful, there' no denying that! But the raccoon-like areola of pimples I used to have around my eyes was not so beautiful, and I needed help. The first dermatologist I spoke with said that I should try wearing sliced cucumbers over my eyes at night instead of open Oreo cookies. But rather than make a lifestyle change, I decided to seek a second opinion. And that' when I found out about Proactive. I remember being on the set of The Parkers
a few weeks later, and the producer saying, 'Hey, when did we replace the grotesque woman with the raccoon-like areola of pimples around her eyes with a grotesque fat version of Oprah for the role of Ms. Parker?' I just giggled to myself and made a race-related joke about him being whiter than the ashy knees of my old boyfriend. Thank you, Proactive!
John Voight
Back before Angie was born, I couldn't get a good lay with all the pimples I had in the creases of my face. It was so bad that on the set of Midnight Cowboy, they were scrambling to write a backstory in which my character was burned about the face and neck in a toxic chemical explosion. Guess they thought it was problematic that the guy playing the crippled bum looked better than me. Too bad Proactive wasn't around back in those days. They ended up using what' known in the industry as a "belt sander and caulking gun." Now I'm so scary looking, I only get cast as terrifying villains like Coach Bud Kilmer in Varsity Blues
, Senator Thomas Jordan in The Manchurian Candidate or Franklin Delano Roosevelt in Pearl Harbor. I wish I had you back when I still had a shot at being handsome, Proactive! Now my daughter won't even talk to me!
Jon Lovitz
Before Subway would even give me the time of day, I had pimples all over my beautiful face. During the kissing scenes on the set of High School High, Tia Carrerre' stunt double wouldn't even come near me, often drawing a picture of her face on a paper plate and making me use that instead. But after I started taking Proactive, I realized that it doesn't matter if the pimples on my skin are unsightly and gross, all that matters is that I once was a star on SNL with a catchphrase, and I could probably get regular girls who are turned on by men with money. That boosted my confidence. Now, I can say 'Subway, Eat FRRRAISH!' with the kind of attitude I need. Thank you, Proactive, for saving my life.
Kathy Griffin
I never had pimples that a good face-lift couldn't cure. If I had a pimple on my cheek, I'd have them stretch my face until the pimple was behind my hairline. If it was on my nose, I'd stretch it until it was at least on my cheek! When my face became stretched so tight that I was having difficulty pronouncing words, they started using skin left over after Russian babies were circumcised. Now my face is comprised of 96 percent baby foreskin, and I can thank my 'proactive' attitude towards plastic surgery for my unblemished looks. What do you mean that doesn't count as a Proactive ad? I used the word 'proactive,' didn't I? Wait! Please don't take that camera away! I'm so lonely.
