Thoughts of the Average American (As Imagined By Network Executives)

"If I cannot see sports scores, stock reports, and weather forecasts scrolling across the bottom of the screen at all times, I will kill myself."

"I can't wait to see this overweight middle aged comic and his disproportionately attractive wife deal with their adolescent children in a humorously unorthodox, though ultimately conservative manner."

"I don't see enough petty, selfish individuals in my daily life. Therefore, I will tune in to tonight's scheduled reality television show."

"You cannot make a television show too stupid for me to watch."

"I was going to change the channel until the network reminded me, halfway through the first commercial break, that the program would 'be right back.' I had previously been under the impression that the program was lost and would never return."

"I find this sitcom intellectually challenging."

"I am completely unaware of the fact that the corporation being investigated by the FBI in this news segment owns this news station. Even if I were aware of this fact, I would put great faith in the objectivity and journalistic integrity of this enormous media conglomerate."

"Becker is not on TV enough."

"I'm glad this rock band has a limited repertoire of similarly progressing power chords. If their songs were more creative, it would confuse me, and I would not buy their album."

"As a member of the African-American community, I readily identify with this hip-hop artist's misogynistic views and propensity towards crime."

"That beautiful and scantily clad young woman, whose name escapes me at the moment, is my favorite musical artist of all time."

"It's a good thing my carbonated soft-drink came with one free music download, for I would have felt uncomfortable downloading free music on the internet."

"Finally a halftime show that combines my love of hard-nosed championship football and pre-pubescent teen-pop!"

"I will buy any CD that produces sound."

"I am upset that I work full time and still fall below the poverty line. I blame queers and people of another race."

"Clearly, the best way to reduce crime is to build more prisons. Evidence linking poverty and crime is flimsy at best."

"At least both candidates favor education initiatives with humanitarian names that direct money towards arbitrary and biased standardized tests. Hiring more qualified teachers and rebuilding crumbling inner-city schools would yield questionable results."

"The rich do enough for this country. They should not have to pay higher taxes than the rest of us."

"I fear that we might one day be attacked by a country whose economy is based almost entirely on trade with the United States. Therefore, we must spend more on our military than every other nation combined. This will make other countries feel more secure, and they will whore their underclass to us rather than initiate an arms race."

"Morality is derived from creatively interpreting apocryphal texts, not the desire to reduce human suffering."

"If we give free health care to poor people by taxing the super-rich, the economy, and quite possibly the universe, will collapse."

"I see many distinct differences between these two courageous candidates."

"Congratulations on successfully side-stepping another important question and leaving me lost in forest of vague rhetoric and empty catch-phrases. You've got my vote."

"One American life is worth approximately ten European lives, four hundred thousand African lives, and fifteen million Arab lives."

"A presidential candidate's war record is the deciding factor in his ability to oversee the American economy."

"The rich white liberal cares about me more than the rich white conservative, though they both care about me very much."

"I prefer the product with the attractive salespeople."

"I was heretofore unaware of the maximum safe duration for a chemically induced erection."

"That recognizable athlete scores all those points because of his brand-name sports beverage, right?"

"This song reminds me of my youth. Therefore, I will buy."

"I can only afford $74.99 on a new pair of old looking blue jeans; $75 is just too much."

"I would have gone to an amateur poetry reading rather than the monster truck rally had the gentleman on the radio commercial not been yelling."

"Wow. I had no idea smoking was so bad for you."

"If I buy this face cream, I will be as beautiful as the actress endorsing it."

"After hearing rap music on their commercial, I can now trust this giant white-owned corporation to fulfill all my consumer needs. It no longer bothers me that the CEO eliminated all employee benefits to build his own country club."

"There is very likely buried treasure somewhere in the backyard of my suburban Chicago home. If only there were a way of detecting the presence of metal underground."

"Yes, I have been injured recently. And, no, I hadn't considered litigation until this trustworthy family man suggested it."

"I can't believe I voted for a politician so soft on crime. I will not make the same mistake this election. I am also far more likely to vote for the smiling candidate in the color photograph."

"This electronics super store has so many things I need at such great prices that I might just kill myself."

"With that many explosions, how could the movie not be good?"

"I will enjoy your inexpensive, highly potent alcohol responsibly."

"This celebrity who appears to be in good physical shape must be an expert on health and nutrition."

"When passing a car dealership with a catchy jingle, I will remember that they have fair prices and know that I am a busy man. When I finally have some free time, I will buy the first safe, reliable, and easily financed automobile I see."